Give me your weak...


11-12-04

~I was wrong. It never lasts. There is no...this is no modern romance.~

So I was deep in thought while sitting in traffic on the way home via I75. Thinking about what was going down this weekend...Natalie's "party" on Saturday and then I remembered the other evening when I accidentally answered my phone only to be trapped by Stalker Thomas. I didn't know he finally got a home phone. Didn't recognize the number that came up on my caller id. So like a moron, I answered. And then when he told me that he saw my Jeep at Natalie's the other day (I swear he's stalking me) like a bigger dumbass, I mentioned her party plans. So that ruins getting drunk and crashing there on Saturday night. This idea moved me to thoughts of what Nicole informed me of the other night. She does happen to be his banker and apparently he told her that he's going back to Indiana soon. Well, as far as I know, he hasn't finished school yet. So why is he going home? Well, my mind tends to wander. So I figured...he's not having a good time here. Who would? Then I thought about the type of guy Thomas is. He seems like the type who always needs someone there. He needs a girlfriend. And he's been harassing me for quite awhile now. Not to sound conceited but I concluded that Thomas is going back to Indiana w/out finishing school because I wouldn't date him. Got a good laugh out of that one. And then I thought...hell. Why not pay my debt to society and give the guy a chance. I'll be there for him. I'll date him. Help him study. Get his feet back on the ground and once he's graduated and ready to move back home, I'll set him free. Only no. He's the type who would get so attached that once I refuse to go with him, he'd probably go home and sulk and then ultimately kill himself. Or come back and stalk me in the seriously psycho way. I don't know if it's possible for him to be more psycho but I'm picturing Sleeping With the Enemy...I could cut my hair and move to another state. He'd hunt me down and try to kill me and my new boyfriend. Ya, I got a kick out of this thought pattern. But it's the simple fact that I contemplated dating him...just to help him out. Not in any way benefitting myself. Without being attracted to him...completely void of the things that it takes to make a relationship work...proves what my aunt and several others have said to me. She told me that I have this horrible pattern of dating what she calls "stray puppies". The boys with problems. The ones with issues. Either monotarily or emotionally or socially or all of the above. Here I am! The f'n Statue of Liberty. "Give me your weak, your downtrodden..." Seriously! Who the hell do I think I am? Some Saint...friggin' Mother Theresa?!?! Honestly! How hard is it to find an equal? Well, the buck stops here buddy! You got issues? Baggage? You can leave it at the door or get the hell out!!! Haleluyah! Can I get a AMEN?! God Bless America.

~Predjudice! Wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it go! FREE YOUR MIND!~

Well that sucks. Just got off the phone with James who refused to back me up at Natalie's as my "bodyguard" for tomorrow evening. Well...not without a $20 charge. What people will do for money these days. Been talking to James more lately. He's one of those people who will probably pop in and out of my life until one of us croaks. It's been good to have him around these past couple of weeks. Someone to talk to late at night when I'm sitting up watching Aladdin in a state of drug induced quasi-sleep. He actually suggested Aladdin and stopped in to impress me with his knowledge of all the words to every song in the whole entire movie. Somehow I had forgotten that Disney movies contained a score. No wonder I hadn't watched one since choir in highschool. But I was frustrated because I couldn't find Dracula and this close to ripping out my hair...so it was probably for the better that I fell asleep to Robin Williams exclaiming, "POOF! What do you need? POOF! What do you need?" The story of my life.

~No you never had a friend like me!~

So let's see, today I went in at 8:30am. Didn't leave the office until 7:45pm. Didn't even go out for lunch. I ordered in. That's a little more than eleven hours. The phone/computer/fax lines were out until 2:30pm because someone decided to rip the phone cable off of the back of the building. So I had to deal with the damn phone company bright and early. My numbers are down and I stayed open late to update someones account. Got hit on by a 51 year old toothless guy who decided to discuss his thoughts on "what a woman needs" with me. I told him I have food, water, a roof over my head, my family and my cat. What more could a girl need? So he comes back with, "see, that's why I like you. You know how to back yourself out of things." Implying that I was avoiding the conversation that was about to take place. No. I call it-you're gross, more than old enough to be my dad and I'm not interested. Then there was the guy who just got back from service 2 months ago and tried to open an account...no comment. This guy was one cocky sob a few weeks ago, the first time he came in with his wife/girlfriend/baby mama. So he saunters in the door today with that smug look on his face and attempts to convince me to change my mind about what we'd decided then. First he tried the stern approach and when that didn't work, he turned on the charm. The typical male..."I have a limited edition Eddie Bauer Explorer..." For an hour while I'm trying to help other customers which he proceeds to poke fun at after they've left. But before him it was the guy who's old enough to be my grandaddy who's married to a girl more than half his age and trying to convince me to go out on a date with him. OH! And then the new guy who conveniently mentions some "club" that's opened up in town. "Have you been to the new club? Are you going tonight???" No. Not from around here and definately not interested in some cheesy ass small town version of a club. Do these people have anything better to do with their time? Am I negative? Am I jaded? Am I a bitch? Or am I justified...who's to say?

~tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick~

Karen O is my new favorite female. I like to listen to The Yeah Yeah Yeah's when I've had a little too much sugar. One of the several new additions to my music collection. Ryan Cabrera...ya. I have shotty taste and ya. It's not such a good idea at this present time to listen to accoustic love/anti-love songs. I also stole Nicole's Best of EnVogue cd from Natalie. So for the last couple days it's been a combination of sad Cabrera, hyper Karen O, soulful EnVogue and a little bit of depressing/upbeat Sugarcult. Is this a sign of manic depression? Been hanging out at Laurie's after work watching movies and rocking out to White Snake (air guitar included). Except for last night. Last night was O.C. night. We're back to this again. It's full circle people. So half way through this season, I'll meet some guy who seems perfect and fall in love but by the time the 3rd season starts I'll be right back where I started. Got a call from Paige uh...Wednesday. You know, I like talking to her. She's a woman and she sees my point of view. She listens to me vent my frustration and she understands. But she calls me asking about my X-boyfriend when all I want to do is pretend like he doesn't exist. Which might be different if he even cared but, I'm sorry. I know that in the past, we broke up and a week later, we were hanging out again but...I haven't spoken to him since...Sunday and before that, I hadn't spoken to him since we broke up a week before. He was an asshole on Sunday and I couldn't handle it so I pulled a Natalie and hung up on him. I have no idea where he is now or where he's been. I don't know where he's staying since she informed me that he hasn't been home and is currently unreachable. I refuse to say where I assume he's been. I refuse to even begin to think about any of it because it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't agree with his choices and I'm unhappy with the way things turned out. I'm sickened by his behavior toward me and so ridiculously exhausted with the entire situation. Talking about it. Thinking about it...I should open up rehab for people recovering from fucked up relationships. I'd call it B.R.A. Bad Relationships Anonymous. "Not only am I the president, but I'm also a member". See, I told you I'm a genius. I'd charge people to join just to charge them more for prescription drugs to forget about their problems so they'll get addicted and then I'll open up a real rehabilitation center and charge them again. Looky see! I'm tough. I'm a fighter. I make lemonade out of lemons!!!

~Pack up, Don't stray. Oh say say say oh say say say oh say say say. Wait. They don't love you like I love you. Wait. They don't love you. Maps. Wait. They don't love you like I love you.~

HOME

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com