05-03-00 Wednesday


Ok...let me get my sea-legs..."they" decided to do a bunch of tweaking with the uh...web-shell. So I'm not quite used to it yet. It's like someone playing with the color on your tv...or moving your rear-view mirror. (ooooh I hate that) Like when your mom cleans your bedroom and you can't find anything. Anyhow...moving on. It's youth group night. (good fun) we talked about greed. (yup...familiar with that topic) I happen to spend a lot of cash. And my parents can vouch for that...(it's theirs) I lack an occupation if you know what I'm sayin'. I happen to be extremely materialistic. I shop...like you wouldn't believe. It's crazy. but the point is...I need to give more of that money to God...and if not God than to a good cause (other than my wardrobe fund) Onward.

~Don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay. Don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay...~

*sigh* yes...that's a big *SIGH* cause I've been thinking (OH NO!!!) Yes...I've been thinking and I know I shouldn't. I was told to stop thinking. I even had my brain turned off manually. (thanks Mike...It didn't work) Right...So I was thinking about how school is ending. I'm graduating, and I don't really have any fond memories. I've never had any close friends here. (the book I just finished isn't helping either. have you heard of it... The Perks Of Being A Wallflower) It's hard to feel alone. I mean I'm used to it...and technically, I'm NOT alone. I'm surrounded by people that I can talk to, and people I've known. But I don't really feel like I know them or that they know me the way I'd like them to. That's rough. and I'm on a certain wavelength with these people. We've come to this sort of silent agreement. As long as I don't get all depressing and bitter like I have been in the past, then I get invited to things...I'm "allowed" to be their friend. But when I cry...and when I'm going through a tough time...I have to do it alone. Because they don't want me around. It will spoil their good mood. That is even more depressing than lonliness. I'm used to lonliness...I'm just tired...and depressed. I'm sad that it's coming to an end, and I never got the chance to make friends with or even meet the majority of the people that are graduating with me. Oh...that on top of the whole relationship crap. *sigh* ...ignore me...

~Next time I see this face, I'll say, I choose to live for always...~

I'm sunburned. We got to go out to the courtyard in studyhall (Our BIG senior priveledge) only they cut down all the trees recently...and there is NO shade. I sat in direct sunlight for about an hour and a half. (Me...the pale-never tans-disgusting white-sunburn then peel-chick) I thought it might be good for me. You know...to get out and bask in the rays of the sweet sun (before it's gone) but NO! She smites me! Only my face and my left arm a bit...But I don't think I'll be out there tomorrow. Interesting conversation came up 7th period though. I went out to the courtyard...Luke promised he'd be out in a minute. (I didn't believe him) I finished my book (about 20 minutes) and the door opens. Tim...Mr. Quarterback...Mr. Jock comes strolling out. He sits down and starts to complain about another "dumb" fight he had with Missy. (HE called it dumb) I guess (from what he says) she called his name...and he didn't hear her so she threw a fit. Sean came out that's when it turned into just random funny conversation. They were complaining about their girlfriends...Jim comes in from the hall. Then they started to throw twigs at each other... Then the game changed...Throw twigs down Laura's shirt. Silly boys...It's strange. That they were complimenting me at the same time...But it's nice to know I'm loved from the other side of the spectrum. Those boys crack me up. But man...my arm hurts from this burn.

~Can you take me higher???~

So what was the point??? I don't think there was one. Is there ever??? Oh! I made it over to Tyler's today. He, Megan and I finally got a chance to practice our song for Spring Sing. (the auditions would be tomorrow) and this is the first time we've had a chance to practice. It wasn't so bad though. I think we'll do a pretty good job tomorrow. (crossing my fingers) I'm siked. I can't wait for Spring Sing (more like the disco dance the following night) It's gonna be a lot of fun! But ya...I need to go to bed at a reasonable time tonight.

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