More to me than you...


05-28-03

~By keeping her heart protected, she'll never ever feel rejected...~

People need to stop questioning me. Ugh, I'm in a funk right now. Quite similar to last night...Not so pissed. But hey...it's a new day...well almost. It's only 11pm on the 27th. But I've dated this for the 28th because you know me. Always looking forward to the future. (ha) Actually I was just thinking logically that by the time I finish this it will technically be the 28th. So ya, as for the 27th, I'll give you an update. What happened during my day. Cause my days are always so exciting. I might even dig into what happened this weekend. But today, I got up early and got ready thinking they might want me to come in to work. So I called (just like the plan stated in my last post) around 10am. Talked to Tom, and he said that his partner was down in Florida for the weekend and he hadn't had a chance to talk to him about hiring a "hot blonde" yet. So he told me to call back around 3pm. I sat around and got really tired because I went to bed last night right after I posted that entry and talked to Ben (which was kind of comforting). And I watched some tv in attempts to bore myself to sleep. When I finally did crash...it was somewhere around 2:30amish. Then the fucking phone rang. Jesse called to tell me he was almost home and safe. I don't know why I can't sleep through the phone ringing. Maybe it's the obnoxious tone that I have my phone set on. Who knows. Anyhow, I was really rude to him because he woke me up and cause I was extremely tired and grumpy. Ya, anyhow...where was I??? Oh, sitting around and getting sleepy. When 3 rolled around, I was excited cause I thought that by doing something, I'd wake up. I called the store and no one answered the phone. But I needed cigarettes anyway so I stopped by the mall and talked to him in person. He said he still hadn't heard from the guy but he wanted me to start some time this week. So he'd give me a call as soon as he talked to the man. So now here I am...on my toes. Wondering when he's going to call and hoping I'll be ready. mmm hmm. Interesting stuff as usual. I came home and promptly fell asleep on the couch. Laurie called at some point in time and woke my ass up again. I deserve it though. I wake her up all the time. She asked if I was coming over...but I was so tired. So I said I'd call her back later. By the time I did get up and call her though, she didn't answer her phone. So she probably fell asleep too. So here I am...once again.

~oooh ooh ooooh there's more to me than you. Don't underestimate what I can do.~

I'm listening to some country song. I heard it earlier on CMT and downloaded it. Munching on some chex bold party mix. Smoking a cigarette and pondering the events of this passed weekend. Trying to decide what I should and should not talk about. Attempting to keep myself out of trouble. There is such a thing as saying too much. I never believed that before. But I find myself gently tip toeing through the truth lately. I shouldn't have to do that. But I think sometimes it's better not to devulge the whole truth. So ya, no details but here's the story. This weekend was horrible. I tried to go out of my way to find things for Jesse and I to do. But there's only so much to do around here. We ended up going to the movies early Saturday night. That was dumb. We were GOING to see Bruce Almighty. But they sold out (surprise!!!) So Laurie and I suggested Down With Love. I was more than happy to see that. But Steve and Jess weren't so excited. At the last minute, Steve suggested Holes. What we didn't realize until after tickets were purchased and after we'd already settled in for the show was...it's a fucking kids movie. I was already on edge. I've been avoiding the theater in a not so conscious way since TJ and I ended our little trist. Of course, we make it through the line no sign of TJ and get to the actual theater entrance...everybody was in the damn bathroom but me and tada! TJ. I shook his hand which was kind of odd. Asked how he was. blah blah. Blew it off and headed in to watch the show. That's when I thought, "wow, what the hell happened to TJ??? He's looking pretty damn good." (which would be a part that I should have left out. But dammit, I'm an honest person. It's hard to not say what I'm thinking) It's not like I'm going to call him or try and hook up with him. I was honestly surprised. But he and I were not a big thing in any way what so ever. So it's great that he's looking pretty good. That doesn't change his or my feelings. UGH stop explaining yourself (smacking myself on the head) SO! Moving on! We went to Thirsty's. That was just. Blah. It was busy. We played pool. I don't know what happened but my game is getting so much better. I want to challenge Tim to a rematch. I remember so many times hanging out in this pool hall in West...west something (that's going to irritate me cause I can't remember) in CT with Tim and Thad. And they made so much fun of me. Tried to teach me some tricks. But I was so horrible at billiards. Having not played so much...I've played a significant amount of pool since I've been home. You know, hanging out in bars and shit, and I'm soooo much better. I wish Tim was around so I could show him a thing or two. HA! That sounds ridiculous. But I seriously think that we'd make much better friends now. I've broadened my horizons since being with him. True story.

~Love is all I'm looking for, sitting in the corner in the dark...But I'd never find the right things to say. No I'd never find the right kind of phrase.~

I think I officially broke my light. I don't know if I've mentioned before, but it's got a bad connection or something and has a tendency to just go out sometimes. So I smack it. I think I hit it a little too hard this time. So I'm typing by candlelight now. So that was Saturday. Sunday was change poker. Monday was a Block Buster day. I'm not taking my time with this at all. Cause I really didn't enjoy myself this weekend. There was some amusement. But I mostly felt persecuted and questioned. Because Jesse just takes things the wrong way. And he won't accept what I have to say. I was constantly explaining myself. And I should NOT have to do that. Ya, I'm a fuck up. And I've made some bad decisions in my life. But besides the mistakes...I trust myself. He's pushed the issue of a relationship between the 2 of us. And that's definately not something that I'm ready for. Friendships are so much more to me right now. I have so many problems that need dealing with. And I have a job situation that needs to be focused on. Besides that, I still don't think that long distance is good. I'm NOT good at it. I flat out told him that I'm an extremely attention starved person. I can't handle being in a long distance relationship because I need affection. I thought that it would get the point across and I didn't say this to him but, I'd probably end up cheating on him. That's the disgusting truth. If I'm in a "relationship" I expect everything that goes along with it. Long distance doesn't include having that person there when you need affection. It's just phone bills and frustration. Fucking A! I just don't need that right now. What I do need is a fucking cigarette.

~I'm not at all what I seem but my intentions are practical inventions and I forgot to mention I'm insane by definition. But all in all it's unlikely we'll succeed...~

I had a dream on Friday night/Saturday morning. That chilled me. About getting back together with Kyle. I don't know what to say about that. I seriously just sat here for several minutes while smoking, staring at that statement. And I can't think of anything. Laurie had a dream that she and I were crawling through desserts. That's right. Pudding, Jello, and whipped cream. I don't know what to say about that either. Steve got a kick out of it though. haha. Seriously though, I think I'm totally fucked up in the head. Mind fucked. There's not much else left to say. So I'm going to post this. Not happily...I think it's going to bother some people...and I don't like upsetting others. And there I go trying to make everybody but myself happy again. Fuck it!

~They say when you sing, you're prayin' twice. Doesn't that sound nice.~

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