05-28-00 Sunday (I believe I'll try a new background. Thumbs up or down???)


Let's take it from the top!

Today's topic
EMPTY PROMISES

The ceremony…
I expected something different. I don’t know exactly what I wanted to take from the experience, but I suppose I got what I was there for. It was fast. I thought it might last a little longer. But it was pretty quick. Stand up in front of a huge group of people you don’t know, and shake hands with a man you don’t know. The President of the school board…typical older guy. I don’t know what I expected there either. I was nervous. I bit my lips the whole time. Rushed up to get my diploma. Didn’t make a big scene…Just flew out of that uncomfortable position as fast as I possibly could. I got to sing with the choir for my last time…I also expected more from that. Nope. It was normal. Nothing new. Funny faces from the director…mess up in the Battle Hymn. Nothing new at all. I was good to go. (1st empty promise...I promised myself I wouldn't cry) We recessed out in front of the school. I got hugs from a few people. Looked around until I found my family, went over and hugged my dad…THEN I cried. He held me too long…and I felt…like I made him proud for the first time in my life. (and now I’m crying again) I guess I never realized how important it was for me to mean something to him until that moment. I’ve tried for so long…I thought it was just one of those impossible things…I gave up probably before I can remember. (sounds like an episode of Days...) There were a few things I had to grab inside, so we all departed. I found Kir in the parking lot a little while later. Keyless…I guess she gave her keys to Evan because she didn’t have any pockets, and he forgot to return them before he left. So I made her let me drive her to Ev’s place. We passed him on the way there, so I turned around. We were hoping he’d found them and was headed back to the school. But when we got there, he was nowhere to be found. So she decided that I should just take her home so she could get the spare key. That was cool. We got to talk a bit. I can’t really put into words how much I miss her. But I suppose it’s better to get used to it now because she’s leaving for college shortly. (after I think 2 big trips this summer) That way I don’t make a big deal about it later. No more sappiness. I’m disgusted with myself and all this crying.

~Success is a journey, NOT a destination.~

So my party was today. But I ran to Nicole’s before mine started. Chilled there for a bit. Then came home. It seemed like every time I turned around, my parents were yelling at each other for no reason. Simple misunderstandings…and I think about how many petty stupid arguments I’ve had with friends…I can’t imagine doing that with the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with…anyhow, things went pretty slow for the first 45 minutes. Then family showed up. A few friends…It didn’t get crazy until Kyle, Rob, Josh, Mille, and Crazy Jon showed up. Well, Mille brought his girlfriend, so they made out in the big chair the majority of the time. We got bored so I popped in an old wrestlefest tape. The boys were rowdy. They kept attacking me with Mr. Peepers. (that’s kind of an inside joke I think) Kyle…gave me the ultimate present. It’s a long story. His freshman year I think. I don’t remember. But it was Cassie’s Halloween party, and Kyle took off his pants to show us all the Blue Spandex. They’re like these electric blue biker shorts…and he was dancing around…It turned into Kyle the “private dancer” and I ended up with him on my lap. So he gave me the Blue Spandex for my graduation present. Talk about the present with the most meaning behind it. He LOVES those shorts. He wore them all through soccer season…AND at Massolin. He said it was hard to part with them, but he had to. I love Kyle! With his card, he gave me this little poem type thing…

Though you are leaving
There is a place in my heart that will always remember the good times and the bad
The spandex and the stripping
The times we spent frolicking through the woods together
The snowman pants and all the funky white boy dancing
These are things that I will remember when you are long gone
When it’s just me and the black man
Thinking of all the bad things is not how I want to remember our times together
But thinking of all the college sized fun in our futures
The leg humping can only get better as it goes on
So as you leave take some time to reflect on the cool things that we did together
And remember that one person can only eat so much blimpy until they themselves must blimpy.
Remember success is a choice

That is why I love Kyle. He put thought into it. I didn’t get very many other presents. But others that were thought inspired…the books from my cousin Kiersten. She got me some filmmaking instruction books, and a gift card from Walden’s. Which will be spent within one trip to that wonderful book store. Miss Pohlman (my spanish teacher) gave me a journal last night after graduation. I couldn’t believe it. Sometimes it really surprises me how much she knows about me. I didn’t know that I was that loud about it. And Laurie gave me this kick butt gel pen book that I was checking out at Walden’s the other day when we went shopping. She’s awesome. Then Nicole gave me the infamous sappy letter. I teared up. I’ve been such a wimp lately. Then once I opened the jewelry from my aunt and grandma. (which is always cool) my parents decided it was time to give me my “gift”. My mom hands me this pink box, and I should have known…it was a Barbie doll. (The special addition graduate Barbie!!! I'm sooo excited!) Ok, it was funny. I flashed it to all of my friends. Then dad was like, “Ok, we figured since you’ve graduated, it’s time for you to be mature…” or something like that, and he hands me this little plastic bowl…(like the Chef Boy R D or whatever) only it’s Gerber graduates baby food, and a little plastic spoon…I was…upset. It was funny at first, but then I was like…wait a minute. Yeah, it’s funny. But I’m supposed to be getting things that will help with my future. I’m supposed to be mature and responsible now, and you’re giving me this…baby food which only makes me feel like crap about myself. I’ve tried my whole life to make you proud of me…and all I get for it is a stupid Barbie doll?!?! But it blew over. Everyone left…but my mom’s side of the family showed up. And then finally Nicole and Tyler came with Dan trailing behind them. He said he got lost trying to find my house. But I was surprised that he showed up at all. I seriously didn’t think he’d come. I was extremely glad that he did though. I know that he's really a good guy beyond the dumb decisions that he's made. and I DO still have feelings for him...but I know that it would never happen. He and I can't get along without fighting over pop-culture. How in the world could we ever make a relationship work??? Anyhow, we all gathered in my room because Matt had taken over the living room. Dan didn’t overstay his welcome at all. He was only here for about 15 minutes. But I was just satisfied with him showing up. I walked him to the door, and he offered me a hug. Speaking of surprised…I wasn’t expecting anything from him at all. (2nd empty promise) I said I’d have to give him a call sometime…we could watch a movie or something. And he said yeah. 54. Which is the movie that he told me to rent but I never did. Then he left. I hate empty promises. I can’t stand not keeping my word. I will usually go to extreme measures to fulfill a promise. (Revue) So maybe I will give him a call sometime. Why not? We’re friends right???

So Nicole and Tyler chilled here for a bit. But once they left, (even though I was exhausted) I had to run to my grandma’s. I hung out with my cousin a little more before she left for Indianapolis again. Then, all hell broke loose when I got home. One of my dads friends was here. (One that I don’t particularly appreciate) and they decided to make some stupid jokes. Basically what it came down to was them dissing me for like 20 minutes. I was already upset about the gag gifts…he didn’t have to make me feel like dirt. He gets up to show his friend to the door, and I started crying. I tried to explain the thing about graduation to my mom. She understood…but he never will. She said that when they were looking at graduation cards, she found this really sad one, and it made her cry, and when she looked over at him, he was crying too. That made it even worse. I doubled over bawling in the middle of the kitchen. I just leaned over and curled up into a ball on the kitchen chair, and cried. I got myself pulled back together before he came back in though. He walks in the room, and asks, “What’s your problem now?” and I just said, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And that was that. I’m afraid to see what he’s gonna be like at my wedding.

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