05-26-00 Friday


~I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.~
-Spike

Hey! It’s Friday! And guess who’s sitting at home updating her cheesy web-site…I think that would be me. I honestly have nothing better to do. I know…I should have a job, and I should be working. And if not that then I should be out on a date. For Pete’s sake, it’s a Friday night! And seeing as I’m a senior, and I graduate tomorrow, I’m sure there’s some sort of graduation party going on tonight. If I REALLY wanted to, I know of one that I was invited to. I wouldn’t even have to crash it or anything. But no. I’m in no mood to get smashed. I’m never in the mood to get sloppy drunk. And that happens to be the theme of this particular party. Not that my friends are big drinkers or anything. The majority doesn’t drink at all (like me). I wouldn’t really consider this person my friend. He’s more of a recent acquaintance. I honestly have no desire to drink or to be around it. And nothing against those who do. To each his own right? Moving on.

~I don’t want to be in love but you’re makin’ me~

So senior breakfast can be summed up pretty easily. Surreal. It wasn’t so much the breakfast, it was the rehearsal. I’m paired up with Chrissy which is a huge sigh of relief. I thought I’d get stuck with someone that I didn’t even know. (to think it’s possible in a class of like 130) I know pretty much everyone. There are a few names that caught me off guard. They’ve been at Apollo for two years. But my point was…Chrissy stated that it was dreamlike. Everything was passing by like we were in a dream. And I agree. I’m standing there lined up behind Leighanna, and in front of Greg,(one of the best looking guys in my class -in my quirky opinion- but he would be even more attractive if he wasn’t a big alcoholic) ready to file into the gymnasium for the 40th time, and it hit me. I’m like, “Nah, I can’t be graduating tomorrow. That’s too soon.” But I am. I can’t believe it. I’m in awe. Shocked…So I suppose besides that, nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Normal day…

~So there it is, why can’t you give it one more try. You and I can find a way to live if you’d let me in one more time.~

Unless you count the trip to Grandma’s house…I went to drop off tickets for the ceremony…chilled for a bit. Pet the cow…I mean cat. Watched part of Rosie…Fixed the background on her computer (child’s play) then I took off to fight the 5 o’clock traffic through Shawnee. (if you consider it traffic) So I’m driving down Cable Rd. music cranked…and this idiot in front of me is squealing his tires…(annoying) but this car behind me pulls around. I just thought they were frustrated with the start and stop flow of “traffic”. So I lean over to switch songs on the cd. (I was at a light. I don’t just do that while I’m trying to drive) I look up, and the passenger of the car that pulled around is staring at me. (They were right next to me, I wasn’t imagining it) I tried to ignore it. But we all know that it’s virtually impossible to ignore guys hanging out of their window (especially when they’re holding a sign that says, “Show us your ti*ts”). Anyhow, this guy kind of nods at me, then says…well practically yells, “Hey! How are you?” He was pretty good looking. But I can’t acknowledge such behavior. I couldn’t help but crack a smile though. So whoever this stranger who was headed for Elida is (go figure. Sheesh! Elida people!) he made my day a lot better. I mean, I’ve been beeped at, waved at, nodded at…the list does go on. (full of myself??? No. ask Laurie. Two blondes in a convertible…works like a charm) I’ve even had a sign stuck out the passenger window of a car requesting that I flash someone. But it was nice today. To be noticed I mean. It was needed. And now I’m satisfied for another month. It really doesn’t take much for me. I like to be noticed. I like to know when I’m noticed and when someone is interested. That makes me feel good about myself. And we all know that I have a low self-esteem problem…(not really. But Jason seems to think I do) I’m just a little self-conscious like any other living, breathing human being.

~I know you lost your faith in me but I still believe…can I make you understand, can I make you see…I am desperate for your love and it’s breakin’ me.~

But beyond all of this, I’m extremely excited about tomorrow. I want to graduate. I’m tired of talking about it, and how I feel. I just want it to be done. It’s really too bad that a few certain people can’t make it to my graduation party. AHEM…but that’s ok. I was a bit rude the other night at Arby’s when Rob made me go…I ran into Mr. Danny again…and this time I remembered to tell him about the party. He already has plans. He’s going…I don’t remember…somewhere…and when he told me, I was like, “darn…that’s too bad.” Only I was a little uh…sarcastic. But I don’t think it offended him. I didn’t mean to be that way. I just can’t help it anymore. I can’t let those things get to me like I did before. If it was me last year, I would have said something more along the lines of, “Oh really (whiny) what are you going there for??? Ok. Well, have fun.” And then I would have hated myself for a week…Because I was such a…naïve little girl. I still am in some ways. But I learned that lesson at least.

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