05-22-01 Tuesday

~I am whatever you say I am. If I wasn't then why would I say I am?~

I'm supposed to be working on more research for my film paper. That's what I told Kyle I was going to do. I got on-line with the intentions of pulling up Dogpile and looking up more information on Jaques Lacan. But I thought I'd check my mail first. That was a mistake. Because I read Kir's last few entries, and a fwd from Nicole. And was compelled to update. Since I haven't for awhile, and I have a little time. As long as I get something done tonight. I can work tomorrow night when I get back from youth group. Because I won't be going to Arby's. #1 No money. #2 No desire. It's due next week Tuesday. So I have a week. A week and a day until my Jcom paper is due. But for some reason (*cough that class is boring cough*) I don't care how that paper turns out or what kind of a grade I get in there. I'm not a good student. I do what I'm interested in. That's pretty much how I'm running my whole life right now. It's very selfish. But for the first time, I feel like it's my turn to be selfish.

~aint nobody dope as me I'm just so fresh and so clean~

Kir mentioned wanting to give her testimony again. Because not everyone knows about her recent struggles, and I know we can all benefit from the point she wants to make. I have. I've had a really hard time with accepting the ways I've changed and feeling like I can't even pray without guilt. I know I can. But it hurts to even try. Kir is right. It'll take me awhile. But I have to get through it myself. I'm sorry, but I'm tired of Nicole's attempts at intervention. She never sends me REAL mail. Just to ask how I've been or tell me what she's been up to. (you know, the things that are imortant) instead, I get chain e-mails about God and prayer. Things that I consider personal. I've never really gone to church or enjoyed witnessing...and youth group is even starting to bother me. Because my relationship with God is two way. It's always been that way. And until I get married, that's how it will be. Fellowship is one thing...but being choked by it has only become an annoyance. I love Nicole with everything I have, and I would risk anything for her. But we've become extremely distant, and we've found two totally different social groups. It's hard to carry on the way we did.

~I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I can't get up. I'm slippin' I'm fallin' I gots to get up...get back on my feet so I can tear sh*t up.~

Sunday...after I got off of work, Jen and I kidnapped Kirsten and we took a road trip to the Dairy Queen in Shawnee. I noticed Kir wasn't very talkative. I didn't understand why until I read her journal...and then the lightbulb switched on. I wish she would have told me to shut up. Now I feel like an ass, and I already felt bad because the last two times I meant to spend some quality time with her...I screwed up. And so when I finally get a chance, I screwed it up again. I'm really happy she's coming back to work at the store. Hopefully I'll get to talk to her more this summer. It's gonna be a complicated summer.

~Satan, you know where I lie. Gently I go into that good night...~

Once this quarter is over (feels like it's taking forever...except when I think about my papers. Then time flies to fast and it seems like there's not enough) I have to find another part time job. A very flexible job. Because I have so much stuff going on...Life 2001...and all, I'll have to be able to take those days off, and they'll have to understand that my job at Gadzooks is important to me. It came first so technically...it has senority. This summer is the exact opposite of last summer. I didn't have a job. I sat on my rear and watched tv the whole time. What a waste. I realize that now. I'm realizing more and more each day just how much time I've wasted. I had a talk with Dr. Hellman today (my film prof) and it felt like he was insulting me and complimenting me all at once. we talked on the way to his office, and he asked what year I was. Told him I'm a freshy...and he mentioned how surprised he was at all the young blood in his classes. We got up to 4th floor Galvin, and he told me to sit...we talked about my paper. I said I wanted to write about suture, and he was a little shocked. I tried to explain that I've never written a theory paper before...and that I'm going into this blind. He basically told me the same things we all talked about in class. (about structure for the paper) then he said, "I'm just curious. Did your advisor tell you to sign up for this course, or did you pick it?" so I gave a detailed description of my problems with the advisors there...the lack of direction during orientation, and then before winter quarter...I talked to a random advisor that was free b/c mine was all booked up...and she couldn't really help me much. So I just took whatever I thought looked ok. So this quarter, I didn't even talk to anyone beforehand. (MISTAKE) He was like, "really. Did you know that you needed at least two 200 or 300 list English courses before you took this class." uh no. oops. (I only took one 200 list course) "But you did extremely well on your midterm. I was really surprised with your score. Because you don't really talk very much in class. I didn't know how well you were retaining information." I said I surprised myself on that one. And told him I tend to understand things better when I listen rather than giving my own opinions. Hopefully I do just as well on my final. So maybe it'll make up for the big fat poop I'm gonna splat out on 7-10 pieces of paper and turn in on Tuesday afternoon. So he was telling me that I'm your average ignorant freshman attempting to make my own schedules but for an ignorant freshman...I'm doing strikingly well in a 500 list english course. I totally wasn't ready for this class. (I didn't take the prerequisites OR any intro film classes...) But I'm glad I took it. Because it's boosting my confidence in my own ability right now. Considering the fact that a lot of the people in my class...most of which are older and have been in college longer than I have are getting just as good of a grade as I am or lower...it just makes me feel like a brain. It's about the only class I'm doing well in right about now. It's also the only one I really care to do well in. Speaking of which, I should really work on that research.

~the way you're bathed in light reminds me of that night...Love will lead us all right. Love will lead us she will lead us. Can you hear the dolphins cry...~

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