In My Place


05-21-03

~I was lost, I was lost, crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed. I was lost.~

10:22pm
Well, the wallowing has ceased. But the procrastination continues to swallow me like a pill. I wish I had some pills to swallow right now. It looked so nice outside today. From the window, the sun was shining and the sky was blue. I was going to go out and play with the dog. So I put on some shorts and a t-shirt, opened the door and for the sake of all that is good, it was butt-fuckin' cold. It still is. I've now switched to pants and a hoodie. So I went over to Laurie's this afternoon (after a quick stop for gas at the lovely BP) I had all intentions of picking up a newspaper for the classifieds and looking for anything I could get my hands on. But I got carried away in my gas station escapades. Basically got into a conversation with my favorite clerk and totally forgot to grab a paper. Laurie was doing laundry and Steve was hanging up fixtures in the bathroom that they've been refinishing. I guess in all the handyman glory I decided it would be fun to clean up some of the extra rooms upstairs. I went all out. Balls to the wall vacuum weilding and bed hauling. We set up a room for Jesse. And talked about all the crap that Kir left there back when she was going to move in. Just wondering if she was ever going to come and get it before she moves to Columbus this summer. Andrew showed up as Steve was leaving for work. Talked to him briefly about 311 and some movie called Butt Crack. I've never seen it, but he says it's good. Watched him play with the dog. Then he decided to call TJ. It was kind of funny (in my opinion) cause he was going to use my phone...but changed his mind because he figured that if my number showed up on TJ's cell then he obviously wouldn't answer it. Ya, he didn't answer it with Laurie's number either. Andrew had to leave a voice message. That was good entertainment for a half an hour. Finally, Laurie and I hung up the border in the bathroom. And I left shortly after that. Came home to the family. It's so good to come home to the family.

~So I sing out, sing out loud. You can be another motherfucker singin' proud. Singin' glory, glory. 10,000 motherfuckers singin' loud.~

Oh Mraz. I watched his performance on Leno the other night. Now, it was good don't get me wrong. But you could tell he was hella nervous. I love it when people are quasi-famous...like on the verge of being big. And they still get the jitters. That's good music. I like to go to the official Jason Mraz message boards and laugh at all the psycho fans. There are some crazy people out there. A lot of people on the boards actually taped Leno. That's cool I guess. I didn't Cause appreciating someone's music is one thing. But going psycho because apparently the rooster that you had given to Mraz was tossed into the audience by him and the girl who snatched it is also a member of the message board. They razzed this poor girl for like an hour about a freaking cock. What a sad world. Besides that, I'd really love to see his live show. If I could look passed the scary groupie girls. ugh. He's just a guy who can play the guitar and sing. Now granted, he's extremely talented but I know a lot of those. I did have company for the viewing of Leno though. That's always good fun. Sneaking strange people into my house after midnight...

~oh love is a riddled madness. Sing about it and know my sadness. not falsified to say that I found God. oh inevitably well it still exists so pale and fine I can't dismiss I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried.~

Speaking of the riddled madness that is love. Urgh should I even bring this up? I can always delete but we'll see where this takes me. In my upset the other night, after hanging out with Nicole. See, Nicole always seems to drudge up the past. I don't know. Just the fact that all of my most recent memories that involve Nicole, also involve Kyle. We just get to talking about the "good ol' days" and it kills me every time. (and I'm banging down my last cigarette. dammit BP why can't you be a 24 hour establishment?!) Now I'm trying to change the subject on myself. So I got seriously depressed. And I sat here and wrote a ton of sad poetry about my unfortunate decision making skills and my lack of luck in the department of realtionships. That just wasn't satisfying. And after my disgusting attempt the other day to reach Kyle via cell phone. (I didn't mention that on here cause it was horrible and embarassing) I thought I'd take one more chance and e-mail him. I wasn't even drunk. Are you shocked??? Cause I am. But the message was short. At least I thought it was. It basically came down to my apology and so I feel good that I finally got that out. But I was bawling uncontrollably by the time I hit send. And I doubt he'll even reply to it or read it for that matter. Which is horrible. Not that I deserve it. I guess I just remember Kyle as an extremely forgiving person. Not that I deserve to be forgiven. And I'm not even asking for that anymore. But I can wish all I want right? And there's always hope.

~Maybe we'll meet again someday. Oh I believe in love. I still wish on the stars above. I believe in love songs. Yes I think they are real. All you have to do is feel...I believe in faith. I believe that good things come to those who wait.~

That is why I love Jason Mraz. The perfect words for every situation. All of my songs on Kazaa and that's the one that's playing while I typed that out. Go figure. The thing is, I just need to be redeemed. I don't feel like a good person anymore. I don't feel like I deserve anything. Let alone a decent realationship. Which I think is part of my reasoning for being disillusioned with generally everything. But specifically, guys. I just don't care anymore. Not like I used to. Things happen and they're just things. It's like I'm standing outside of myself and looking in on these situations and...I want to take part and be involved but my heart won't let me anymore. It hurts too much. I wish someone would give me a reason to feel again.

~I pick up the pieces and I put them back together. They may not be the right way but that's ok, as long as they're all the same. I wish you well, well that you get better. And I know that you'll find that it's a wild world. And that's ok cause you're a wild girl. And I took this, and I turned it to shit oh no well if you had noticed, would you have thrown the towel in before I missed out on all this, Oh all this love and watched me roll away again. Watch me disappear. I, I don't believe that, that things could get any worse than that time. You must have seen it. I mean how could we get lost runnin' in a straight line?~

See, always the right words. And I'm feeling quite exposed right now. So I think I'm going to stop. Maybe post some poetry. Cause it's good fun. Nobody reads it but me. Who cares...goodnight.

~I'll never find the right kind of phrase.~

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