Notes from the Fishbowl
5-20-05 The definition of my behavior...
	I wonder if when I get really old, I'll still look at really old people and think, "damn they're really old!". I wonder if I'll ever stop wearing so much black. I wonder if I'll make it to stilettos by the time I'm in my thirties. I wonder if I'll ever stop finding prepubescent high school boys attractive. (I do. But I do a good job of steering clear of them. Don't want to do any jail time thank you.) Will I ever stop drinking so much Mountain Dew? Will I ever get rid of this cold? This cold is seriously kicking my ass. I don't know if I can wait a whole month to get the new girl trained so I can finally have some time off. Maybe go to the doctor and get a prescription or two. Oh! That's right! I finally hired someone. It's actually a funny story and I think it's going to work out well. Crossing my fingers...anyhow, lots of crazy new stuff is materializing. I can hardly contain myself. I waited so long to update just so I would have a ton of interesting stuff to run my mouth about. Ready? Here goes!
Don't you worry 'bout a thing baby cause you know you got me by a string baby.
	So since we've been hanging out so much at P.A. I was spotted by one of my customers there and questioned as to my sexuality. He of course is gay and he requested my presence at the more openly and obviously all gay bar in Lima. Abbreviated as "Somewhere". At first I wasn't so sure about him. He has two kids and HELLO! How do you get those...biologically without having some sort of sexual relationship with a woman?! I'm assuming it was an early relationship before he realized or before he came out of the respective closet. Any hooter, he was asking for weeks when I'd stop into Somewhere and see him. I was struggling with the posse. For as much as they claim to be so open with things of this manner, they really resisted. We've been going to Park for months now. Yes I understand that technically it's not considered a gay bar. It's a "mixed" crowd. All sexuality preferences welcome. Not saying that all preferences aren't welcome at a self proclaimed "gay bar". But typically, straight people shy away from those establishments for fear of others and possibly themselves questioning their sexuality. I'm not scared. I like boys. I know I like boys. But the atmosphere of those sorts of places is...it's indescribable. When I walk into your A-typical bar, the first reaction is to scope out not only the attractive males but the females as well. You feel like you're in constant competition with every woman there. You go to your regular run of the mill dance club and it's the same thing plus a bunch of nasty sleazy guys who hang all over you without permission...sweaty and smelly on the dance floor. At gay clubs, it's comfortable. You don't feel threatened because if you're getting checked out, it's likely that the person looking at you is female. It's a serious compliment if a gay guy talks to you or dances with you. They're pickier than heteros. You can dance and not feel like a moron because people aren't looking at you like a piece of meat. It's comfortable. So I pushed and pushed and finally talked Shane into coming to Somewhere with me last Friday. I wanted to scope it out before going in there on a busy night. It was extremely dead. We had a decent time...both trashed before we even got there. Then Saturday night, somehow, Nicole and I got ditched. By EVERYONE. James was at work until 12, Shane stopped answering his phone...and there was supposed to be some party that we were all going to go to. We went to Park to see what was going on there or if anyone had stopped in yet. I was completely rude to Scott. I don't know why I'm acting like that toward him. I don't really care that nothing happened with us. (I've been saying from the start, he's dumb...literally. I mean dumb like we didn't have anything to talk about because the only thing that ever came out of his mouth was dumbness) <- Ha Ha Ha. Park was a bust so I took Nicole kicking and screaming to Somewhere. Got there...it was dead. I was so disappointed. There was one group of people at a table and a few people at the bar. Other than that...it was empty. Not a soul on the dance floor...ugh. It was horrible. What was worse, my friend was nowhere to be found. So here's Nicole and I at a table all by ourselves in an empty gay bar. She was complaining about her throat hurting and realized that she recognized one of the people sitting at the table. Apparently, we went to high school with her. This chick named Karen who is now out of the closet. I think Nicole may have made eye contact because she came over and announced that she recognized us as well. She introduced us to her girlfriend DeShawn and DeShawn asked if we were a couple. It was bound to happen. Of course we were gracious. Smiled and said no no, straight as can be. Explaining that we were supposed to meet a friend of mine there and why we prefer gay bars to hetero bars. Blah Blah Blah. Well, DeShawn asked if I thought  her friend Sean across the room was cute or not because they were checking me out when we walked in but couldn't figure out if I was straight or not. She wanted to introduce us. So she brought him over. We were all a little tipsy. It turned into a quasi-meat market. She's like, "Feel his chest. He's tight under that hoody." So I felt the guy up. Hadn't said more than a "hi how are ya?" and I've got my hands all over him. Then she grabs his ass and says, "girl you gotta get a feel of this too." So he laughs, rolls his eyes, and grins then turns around so I can get a handful of his behind. It was nice. I'm not complaining but it was definitely a strange way to get acquainted. Between trying to listen to the conversation that Nicole was having with Karen, trying to pay attention to what was going on on the dance floor (drag queen dancing all by herself to Cher), and trying to get a better look at Sean (I don't wear my glasses in the bar), I neglected the fact that I should have tried to talk to him. It was short and sweet because Nicole started to complain about her sore throat again so I opted to take her home rather than listen to it any longer. I was tired of waiting for my friend who obviously wasn't showing up. As we were walking out, I asked Sean for his phone and gave him my number. Surprise! Surprise! He called me the next day and we've been chit chatting here and there all week. He seems like a nice guy. He's cute. (Blonde...which I don't really dig but...oh well) You know there's always a catch. Right?! It's not that he's blonde either. He informed me that a lot of the reason why his last relationship didn't work out was because he slept with Karen (That's right...his lesbian friend) a week into their relationship. His girlfriend didn't like it. She didn't understand and so she cheated on him with several people. Guys and girls. (strange this bi-curious world) I guess he and Karen have known each other for a really long time and Karen wants to have a baby. She wants Sean to father her child. Which is cool. I get it. I.V.F. is expensive. It's all a little weird and hard to grasp. But if I were Sean, I wouldn't try and be in a relationship with one person monogamously. I wouldn't expect one person to be monogamous while you're sleeping with someone else. Even if she is a lesbian. Even if you're only doing it to get her preggers. It's a little hypocritical. So ya. First of all, how do I manage meeting attractive straight guys in gay bars? And secondly, why do they always have some crazy hang up? I guess that's to be expected. I guess I should stop picking up straight guys in gay bars! HELLO! McFly! But I'll still talk to him. We have good conversation unlike Captain Scotty who only talks about drinkin' and his cats. Sean's one of few who doesn't mind my goofiness. He thinks it's funny. He calls me goober. It's endearing. I'm just not down for a relationship right now. Just goes to show that when you're not looking, you're bound to find something. I just don't want to get anyone's hopes up when there's still a possibility that I could be moving to TN here in a month or so. Anyhow, back to the point. So I talked to my gay friend and discovered that he got there right after we left. But it was still pretty dead so we didn't miss out on much. He was upset that we'd missed each other though and told me that I need to come with him and his boyfriend to some drag bar in Dayton. Apparently the scene is pretty BIG in D-town. It sounds like fun. I dig it. We'll see. We were joking around because he didn't think that I'd figured out whether he was gay or not. Which I hadn't. Then he told me his boyfriend does drag shows in Dayton sometimes. I'm thoroughly amused. He said they don't hang out around here much and don't really have many friends here. He asked me to be his fag hag. He flat out said, "You need to hang out with us. You could be my fag hag." Now...I laughed at the time. But I wasn't sure of the exact definition of fag hag. I was worried because I've only heard the term used negatively. So I went straight to my source. I called Shane. Ha Ha Ha! Shane's brother is gay so I figured he'd know more about this than I would. But he told me exactly what I thought. He said typically...as far as he knew, a fag hag is a chick who hangs out with gay guys and tries to turn them straight. No. That's not what I'm all about. I always thought it would be cool to have a gay friend. Someone to shop with. Someone to talk about guys with. But Shane's been that equivalent lately. (Because he's so in touch with his feminine side.) Confused, I googled it. Well, I googled "gay terminology" and found entire sites dedicated to the meanings of all sorts of gay slang. GAY DICTIONARIES sorted alphabetically. I couldn't believe how many words and phrases there are. Here's the definition I found for "fag hag". "Fag Hag (n) A heterosexual woman who socializes extensively or prefers the company of a gay man (or many gay men). Sometimes, but not always pejorative [derogatory]."  After looking up the word 'pejorative', I'm a little depressed. I don't think Will was speaking negatively. I think he just meant that I could be his fun heterosexual female friend. I don't "socialize extensively" with gay guys. The only one I really KNOW right now is Shane's brother. And we only hung out for a little while on Cinco De Mayo. I'm so confused. We'll see. Next thing you know, I'm gonna be hanging out and possibly participating in drag shows. I'll be "in full on slap". (A term meaning, painted in drag makeup.) With my sequin dress and feather boa...cage dancing to YMCA...with go go boots...and a blue wig.
I'm gonna shine homie until my heart stops.
	So Sunday, I told Nicole that I'm moving back in with my folks. She took it well. I thought she was going to get upset and flip out on me. She didn't. At the time, she thought Shane was going to move in and take my place. She pretty much knew it was going to happen so it wasn't exactly a surprise. Well, Shane isn't moving in. He JUST started a new job and he still needs to buy a car. Everything was fine. Things were going smoothly until a few days ago when I found out that Nicole IS pissed off that I'm moving out and she's venting all over the place except to me. She's talking all kinds of crazy shit behind my back. Lying to our friends and telling them some seriously fucked up stuff. She told Shane not to trust me because I lied to him. (Once yes, I did lie to him. 2 months ago when we first started hanging out and I was seeing 3 different guys including him and couldn't get myself out of it. At the time, Nicole helped me. That was long before I ever thought we'd all end up being friends.) I know. I suck. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't trust me as a friend. As a female or potential girlfriend...right now, no I should not be trusted. But as a friend, that's a completely different story. Shane knows that. He confronted me about it and we settled the matter. As adults. Nicole, on the other hand, continues to run her mouth and thinks that for some reason, it won't get back to me. Well, it has. And I'm very disappointed. I'm hurt. I don't trust her anymore. I swear. People do shit like this to me and expect me not to hear about it. Knowing full well that it's not like she's never done anything foul. Think about it soldier! I could do the same thing to her if I was an asshole. She's purposefully keeping information from Tyler because she doesn't want him to think poorly of her. Just a slip of the tongue and her cat's out of the bag. But I'm not a jerk. Instead, I decided to give her my last months rent check and get the fuck out before it comes to fisticuffs. Before the blows get lower and before I blow my temper. I was so pissed off on Wednesday night that while she was gone, I packed up most of my stuff. It's all sitting in boxes against the wall. I think I wanted to make it known that I'm not joking around. Last night when I gave her the check, I told her I'm not making any guarantees but I should be out by the end of the week. I decided not to go out Saturday night. Instead, I'll be taking Jeep loads of my shit back to ma & pa's. Attempting to find places to stash the stuff I've accumulated in the last 6 months. I have better things to do than fight with her. I'm so tired of everyone's drama. Plus, it will be nice to be back where there's cable television and internet access. Where I can always take a hot shower and not get bitched at. Where it's not always frigid cold. Where you can't smell the animals unless you actually put your face near the animal. Where I can watch tv without constant interruption. Where the dog doesn't chew up my shit. It's just a bad idea to live with a friend. It's hard to live with anyone other than the people that you grew up with and learned your personal habits from. It just doesn't work. Shane and I had a conversation about this and I decided that I won't live with anyone else ever again unless we're married and they're stuck with me. How likely is that? These days...not so much.
I just know that she warms my heart and knows what all my imperfections are. And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar.
	Shane and Ryan have both offered to help me move. When they're available. Which knowing Shane...his girlfriend absorbs most of his time. And knowing Ry's situation, Erin gets pissed everytime he hangs out with me. She suspects the worst and I hate to say it but she's right. I knew it and so did Ryan. She thinks now that he's not going to Maine to be with Cassi, she's the next best thing. (Am I the only one who gets this? Cassi was his #1 choice. She fucked him over AGAIN! Why would you want to be #2?! or 3 for that matter?!) I honestly feel bad for her. But I'm not doing anything she didn't do to me when Ryan and I were together. The only difference is that she and Ryan are not together. This is how he explains it. I'm still not 100% sure whether or not they're having sex still. He's told me they aren't but...you know. Break down of our current situation: I gave up on being pissed off at him because of Erin. No matter what I do, he's going to do what he wants. We've been hanging out here and there. Actually having a pretty good time when we're together. And...everytime we hang out...we end up sleeping together. What can I say? I don't know why I'm allowing it. Because it's comfortable? Because he knows I like cheese and that my stomach makes funny noises all the time. Because I know he picks his scabs and when he sweats, one of his armpits smells like chicken noodle soup rather than BO. Because it's not like it's never happened before. I've been keeping my mouth shut when it comes to a lot of things. I wish we could sit down and talk about what this is but it's probably better if I let it speak for itself. It's 2 people who used to be in a relationship but couldn't agree on relationship terms so now they just enjoy each others company and have passionate sex. You'd think that if you had those things...the conversation, the friendship, the knowledge of each others imperfections, the comfort, the great sex...you wouldn't have need or want for anything or anyone else. I'll never understand how he can go "home" and sleep next to her without feeling...bad. For leading her on. For sleeping with me behind her back. I never understood how he could do it to me either. Which is why I just try not to think about it. Which is why I know not to bring these things up to him. Because it'll just start that whole cycle over again. And unlike Erin, I refuse to be 2nd best. Which is why I don't feel bad for "talking" to other people myself. I refuse to devote myself completely to one person who's not devoted 100% to me. I know he's stuck in this situation right now. (or at least he THINKS he's stuck) I know he's screwed up from what's happened with Cassi. Maybe someday he'll get over it. Maybe someday he'll make some effort to fix things. Maybe someday he'll prove to me that I'm not just his backup plan. Who knows, I could be the backup to his backup plan. All I know is that I'm not putting the same feelings into this that I did before. Yes, I care about him. Yes, I love him still. But it's not blind anymore. I won't make that mistake again.