Holy Crap! I only updated 3 times last month!

05-01-01 Tuesday

~Don't hate me forever. I'm better late than never. I failed you. I'm sorry. That's simply my life story.~

Wow, I only updated 3 times throughout April. I haven't gone so long without a journal entry...it's been so insane. And there are so many things to talk about. Let's make a list so I don't forget all the stuff I want to mention in this entry. First, there's my fallout with a few certain people at school. King's Island last Sunday...midterms and other ACTUAL school related things... and my 2 month anniversary with Kyle. Ok.

~Some things are better left undone, some battles better left unwon, some sad songs better left unsung. Some fires are better left unfed, some pages better left unread, some words are better left unsaid.~

So I'll start at the beginning. My side of the story of course, because I'm not the other parties involved in this, and I can't give their opinions. So anything I may say about them, or what I assume they think, is strictly that. An assumption. Moving on. A few weeks ago, Kristin and Casey informed me of a trip they were planning to King's Island. It was all being planned privately...(and the guys were the ones behind all of this. Not Kristin or Casey or I for that matter) They didn't want Jason or Lisa to know. Because Brad had mentioned he was getting sick of Jason when they got back from spring break in California. We were all a bit tired of Jason and Lisa's wisecracks about everyone. And so the idea was, Sherrick, Sterns, Big D, Brad, Stacey, Casey, Kristin, and I were all going to go to King's Island on the 29th. And we would just not mention anything about it around Jason or Lisa, because they would invite themselves along. (once again, I will say, this was NOT my idea.) Well, Kristin, Casey, Lisa, and I went to Bob Evans for breakfast one morning. And on the car ride there, I slipped and mentioned that Brad said he was getting sick of Jason. THAT was my mistake. So of course, Lisa blabbed to Jason. I'd noticed dirty looks from Jason for a few days. Figured I had offended him or something...and he was just going to add me to the list of people that he constantly cuts down. Well, we had it out in choir last week. He kept looking at me, so I finally looked directly at him and rolled my eyes. So he throws this massive fit about how he thought I was his friend, and I don't even know him cause we hung out once...and I have no right saying that certain people (he looks at Brad) are sick of him. And he feels like he's 17 again fighting with someone in school. And blah blah blah!!! Stupid Fucking Bitch. Obviously, he confronted Brad about this, and Brad denied it. So I take the blame for "making up some story about Jason behind his back". It's bullshit. #1 Brad needs to take the blame for his own mistakes. I'm tired of getting caught in the middle. Not only did Brad say he was getting sick of Jason because he shows up unexpectedly at all hours, and he comes over and stays the weekend uninvited to Sterns and Dave, but he told me the one day in jcom when Lisa and Jason took their trip to Columbus that he was kinda glad that Jason wasn't there. #2 I really didn't have anything against Jason until this happened. I was a little tired of him and Lisa...and their cutting people down. Because Jason deliberately made fun of my poetry right in front of me. But I decided to distance myself from it instead of causing a huge fight. And then all of this happened...and I almost regret not saying something about it way back when. No one else will have it out with Jason. Cause he's absolutely rude and obnoxious. Through the whole fight, (which HAD to be made into this huge public display) I couldn't get a word in edgewise besides "Shut the fuck up", and "don't talk to me ever again". The day after, I find out that this whole group of people suddenly hate me. I didn't do a damn thing to any of them. The next morning, Dave informed me that some girl told him about the fight that Jason had with "that bitch Laura" in choir. Then she asked me about it later that afternoon, and when I explained it to her she was like, "oh, I had no idea about your side of the story. I just knew that Jason told me you said something about him behind his back and that you were two-faced. I didn't want to pick sides or anything...so I decided to stay out of it." Right. It's completely ridiculous. I had a talk about it with another girl who's told me that she can't stand Jason. (before any of this happened) And she said she never wanted to fight with him, cause she knew he'd throw a huge hissy fit. She explained what she thinks his problem is with some Freudian theory. But honestly, I was willing to sit down and explain what I said...and that it isn't me that he should be having it out with. But then he throws this tantrum, so what am I supposed to do? I'm not going to apologize to his ass. Brad needs to be a man. I don't know what he thinks he's going to lose if he and Jason get into it. Since the fight, and since Jason still has no idea that Brad really did say that, and other things. Jason's tried to intimidate me...he came into jcom yesterday and sat down next to me. Ok, I'm sorry. But unlike everyone else, I'm not afraid of fighting with him. He thinks he's always right. But I know the truth.

~Let the weak say I am strong. Let yourself say I was wrong. Let your heart move on and on. Let your heart move on.~

So Brad bailed out on going to King's Island. He told Sterns that his family was coming to town, and his parents wouldn't let him go. So we got Kim to go, and had a really great time. (without him) Later we found out that he was with Jason Sunday night. (mmm hmm, "family".) That really pissed a few people off. So all this is causing is a huge divide between friends. everyone is picking sides. But anyhow, we had a good time. I got massively sunburned on my shoulders. I suppose that wasn't the high light. Umm, actually...Casey had a headache. The two couples kind of segregated themselves. And the rest of us got stuck with each other. (Sherrick, Kristin, Kim, and I) They complained about the couples, I daydreamed about how much better it would have been if Kyle was there. Other than that, we had fun. Lots of coasters. Lots of chit chat. We all got a little closer. The best parts were our walkie talkie conversations on the way there. We broke up into two cars of 4 and each car got a walkie talkie. Kristin dubbed their car Squatting Dragon, and ours was Shitting Chicken. So I had fun making up new names the whole way. I think I said something about Hidden Homo, Crouching Gonad. Something about Squatting Crotch, Shitting Duck. It was entertaining needless to say. So ya. Catching up on the time I wasn't hanging out with them...it was a lot of fun.

~Every single time that I explain to you my reasons why, you turn away, you close your eyes, and then you cut me down to size. ~

School has been such a burden lately. I hate getting up so early. And since I dropped history. (mainly because it was too much but also because I had WAY too many classes with Lisa, and felt obligated to go because otherwise she'd be alone) Jcom is terrible. I never want to be there. And I'll find any excuse not to go. Not that I really need to be there. It's not hard. It's a stupid class that I wish I hadn't taken. But it's too late now...and choir has this negative aura. Psych is too early. I never want to get up for it. And for some reason I'm doing fabulous in film. (the only class that I have with normal people) I didn't study for any of my midterms. (surprise) I still don't know how I did in Jcom. But I aced my film midterm. I had no idea that I'd listened so well. He hands us this 10 question short answer midterm. And you know each question is worth like 10 pts. With questions like, "In his 'The Means of the Photoplay,' Hugo Munsterburg claims that, in contrast to the theater, film gives us, 'a view of dramatic events...completely shaped by the inner movements of the mind.' Explain his reasoning." And my answer...which might I state, sounds absolutely genius now that I read over it...(grin, no really, I had no idea what I was talking about. But it sure sounds like it...) "throughout his essay, Munsterburg explains that theater appeals to the physical world while film to the mental. Because film has the ability to cross so many more lines than theater, it's not held back by barriers such as time. So you are able to see multiple things happening at once." Ok, so maybe I had a bit of an idea...I think there's a positive correllation between being able to pay attention in class, and getting good grades. We talked about montage today. And Italian neorealism. (haha college may just be making me smarter after all.) It just made me feel really good about myself when I got that back. I took it the same day we had that fight...BAM! I got an A. Cause I blocked out the stupid arguement, and consentrated on our class discussions. It's a totally different story in my other classes. I think I'm going to use the shit that's gone down in this quarter and learn from it. #1 Don't take classes with friends who like to skip and pass notes. #2 Don't take classes extremely early in the morning. #3 Don't take more than 16 credit hours a quarter. That's just insane.

~I can't refrain, I can't decline, I won't fall behind, I won't sit down, I won't leave town, I can't deny, and I won't cry. and what does this all mean? and after all I've seen, I'm gonna prove it to the world...so here I go.~

Kyle and my 2 month anniversary was Friday. We didn't fight this time. Thank God. Kyle says we didn't fight on our first month either. He just sat there while I was upset. We don't fight. Occasionally, he'll do something I don't like...or say something that bothers me and we'll talk about it. And visa versa. But our 2 month was awesome. I ended up spending way too much money on him...but I really don't care. Because I love him to death. (and yes, we exchanged I love you's earlier in the week) That was exciting. A little scary. Cause I've never felt so strongly about someone before. I've never been this happy. And he's told me how his world revolves around me...and it's so sweet. The things he says and does... (I won't elaborate...it's a little sappy, and I don't want him to feel violated. I really don't think he'd care.) But he and I are so happy. It's crazy. Cause I see myself settling down. haha When we were at King's Island, standing in line for the water ride, Kristin says, "hey Laura, did you see that group of like 10 hot half naked wet guys walk past?" And I shook off my glazed over outerspace stare and said, "nope". I didn't really notice much at the park. I don't remember the names of half the rides we went on. usually, we'd pick out some group of guys and name them like 'hot guys in abercrombie shirts' or something. (not that I like guys who wear abercrombie...it's kind of disgusting. I was just making up an example.) but I really didn't pay any attention. I remember this funny looking guy in a tiedye shirt. And this black dude with awesome dreds. But that's about it. I thought about Kyle, and going home and paging him. He's all I think about.

~Would it be too much to ask? Too much too fast. I'm all alone and I want you here with me.~

I went to his dad's wedding on Saturday. That was an experience. The wedding was pretty boring. But the reception...was just crazy. A very large group of drunk people. With music, and kids running around, and people I don't know, and more drinking. (I didn't drink at all. Neither did Kyle, except for the toast.) His dad's family is from Canada. They were hilarious. Kyle's Uncle Randy...and his son Brandon (Kyle's cousin) who ended up hooking up with Rachel (Kyle's step sister.) hahaha that was funny. Rachel, Kyle, Ian, Brandon, Brandon's friend Steve, and I all ended up going back to Kyle's dad's house. And Rachel and Brandon decided to go to Brandon and Steve's hotel room to "pick up their stuff". They didn't come back for quite awhile. Ian was hungry, so I ended up taking Steve to Taco Bell (Kyle didn't like that very much but he couldn't leave...and I really don't enjoy driving alone at night) But Steve and I had a good conversation about Canada, and his ex-girlfriend. I even told Steve that before we left Kyle whispered in my ear, "I don't like this." And he kinda laughed. I told him how absolutely in love I am with Kyle and he said that's good. We went through the drive-thru and saw this chick who knows Kyle (he used to work there with her) she gave me a dirty look. It was comical. Cause Steve says, "ya, now she's gonna tell Kyle that she saw his girlfriend at the drive-thru with some other guy. That's kinda funny eh?" There was nothing for Kyle to worry about. Because I'd never cheat. On anyone. (especially not him) and I'd hope he feels the same. I could go on for hours about all the stuff Kyle and I talk about...but I won't. Cause you'd get sick. Physically ill because it's so sickeningly sweet and cute. I'm done. And I'll try to update more often. But I doubt it'll be much more than usual. e-mail me with any comments. Later.

~I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about how, my heart's empty without you.~

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