15 year old lesbian eskimos
05-14-01 Monday
This quarter is slowly drawing to a close. I'm so tired of school. And I'm seriously contemplating not taking any classes next year. I'm sure I probably will. I think it just makes me feel good to know that it's my choice. And it's my choice whether or not I'm going to Columbus...as of right now, I don't want to do anything. I'm so worn out. And I have two papers to write. One is due the 29th, and the other is due the 30th. I'm most definitely going to fail psych. And if I don't do really well on my J-com paper, I won't be getting a very good grade in there either. But as for film...as long as I do pretty well on the paper...and the same for my final, then I'll be fine. I'm just so tired of school. Sick and tired...of getting up in the morning. All I want to do is sleep. Preferably next to my Kyle. I fell asleep on him the other night. In the reclining chair in his dad's living room. The best sleep I've had since...I don't remember. Anyhow, it was a pretty rough weekend. Lemme see,
~I wanna break you down~
Well, Saturday I got the great idea that I was going to get up early, and since my dad was finally working on my car, I had mom drive me to the mall so I could get my hair hi-lighted. It's getting so long. The longest it's been since New Years 1999/2000. I wanted to get rid of the stupid blonde pieces I had put in the front awhile ago. So I got tri-color blonde, brown, and maroon hi-lights. Oh boy. You can't even really tell. I guess...waste of $60. I had to work from 4-9:30 that night. And finished getting my hair done at about 2:30. Had my mom come get me. Went and got food, went home and changed, then went back to the mall. I closed, and Kyle and I went to the show at Tuttle. Caught Headliner (the last band) Colin, Kent, and Ray. They're actually pretty good. One of the few local bands I can stand anymore. (I smell like Kyle) So we left the show, and on the way home, I rear-ended some girl who was also leaving the show. This girl slammed on her brakes for a yellow light, and so I hit mine. My brakes locked up, and I slid into her back end. Technically it was my fault. Just like every other freaking accident I've been in. I'm not bitter. It was quite comical actually. the cop didn't site either of us. Basically we just have to deal with our insurance companies. And if this girl decides...well her parents...if they decide they want to fix the car. (minor damage...a few scratches) then my insurance is gonna go back up. I JUST got taken off of high risk. And I've been trying to talk my mom into getting me this Saturn...there is NO WAY that's gonna happen now. Frickin' A!
~Everything I touch, I break.~
I'm really starting to get frustrated. I'm 19. And I'm listening to friends tell me about staying with their boyfriends...and all the crap that they're doing. Not that I'm all for what they're doing...it's their choice. But I can't even lay in Kyle's bed with him...without the fear that someone is going to walk in and go off on him or me for that matter. His mom came in last night when we were laying in his bed watching Saturday night live re-runs. And she's all "you're laying too close to each other." For cryin out loud. I'm too old for this. She either comes in herself or sends Ian in every five minutes. So we can't even have a conversation without being interrupted. And it's almost as bad at his dad's house. My parents at least have a little bit of trust in me. We come over here, and we can sit in my room for 2 hours without being bothered. And people will knock here. I'm just tired of hiding. I feel like his parents are watching me...just waiting to see something and then tell Kyle he HAS to break up with me cause I'm a bad influence or something. This is the first time our age difference has come between us. It doesn't help that his grades have gone down since we've been spending so much time together. They probabaly think I'm just this huge distraction. And I don't want to be looked upon as a bad person. I want them to like me, because Kyle and I are extremely close right now. He's my boyfriend/best friend/and everything in between. His mom's week, she won't let him do anything. And when she does, he has to be home early, but I can come over. So what...so we can sit in the living room and be observed? That's why I didn't want to go inside on Sunday...cause I knew we'd have to stay downstairs...instead, she told us to take Ian to the movies. So we're stuck with our little brothers at the movie theatre...watching Joe Dirt. So we had no time alone. That was the idea. So when it's his dad's week, he's allowed to go out. But his dad gets no time with him because Kyle's all about making up for lost time with me from his mom's week. And then his dad complains. I try. So hard...to be acceptable. But I'm failing. And it's pissing me off more than my bad grades. More than my family problems. More than my poor diet, and lack of sleep. More than my fading relationship with God. It's one-track mind...it's constant good girlfriend mode. For him and his family. I try to make friends with rachel even though I don't agree with the type of person she is. I try to get in cool with his little brother even though he turns rabid and kicks me in the crotch or sends a skateboard hurling at my ankle. I try to joke around with his step mom even though she insults my pale skin almost everytime I see her. His dad doesn't really talk much. (to me anyway) and his mom is super sweet to me but then turns around and does sneaky things like tells him that he can't come to Godfather's with me and some of my friends from school tomorrow cause he needs to "study". Even though I know that if I go to Godfather's, he's gonna sit at his dad's house and talk on the phone or watch BET until I get there. Then we'll go to Ian's game at 6. and sit there with her. So she can watch us. And so I told him I just won't come over. He got pissed at me. Yes, he's 16, and his parents have all rights to be doing this. But I've been through this part of my life already. And I don't want to do it again. (and I'm so pissed that I'm crying now) I'm not raping him. I'm not taking him to college parties and drugging him up. I'm not getting him drunk or forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to. I love him to death. And here's another thing. He HAD to get off the phone...at 10:30. And I said, "I love you" and he's like, "hold on" and I can hear him...put down the phone to go check and see if his mom was within earshot. Then he gets back on the phone and THEN says "I love you." I feel like I'm hiding things from them. Like we have to keep everything a secret. That's just not cool. And I asked him to sit down with his mom and have a talk with her. I guess that's easy for me to say, cause I tell my mom everything (for the most part) So I don't understand why he can't talk to her and reassure her that I'm not a bad person. And that we're really serious about this "relationship". I am. at least...
~Don't leave me like this. Don't leave me stranded.~
I'm so disgusted with myself right now. And it's 11. So I don't want to finish this. I'm going to go to bed.
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