05-10-00 Wednesday


I skipped out on youth group tonight. No reason...I just wasn't up to going. I felt and looked like death today. (I was informed of this) But other than that, and sleeping through half of my classes, I was good. Yesterday was much worse. I've been in a relatively good mood today. And I was attacked...7th period by a couple of jocks. What's up with that? I'm tired of silly boys who play too many games. Like Sean and Tim...Both attached at the hip to their girlfriends...yet both on top of me for almost an hour. I don't know what to say. I don't take anything from it. They mess around too much. But it was nice to talk to them. Mostly Sean. We escaped to the conference room, and he started asking me all kinds of dumb questions. (Disney questions) "Do you have a boyfriend?" no. "Are you dating anyone?" no. "Why???" I mean...how do you answer that? I said it's because I'm not really searching for a boyfriend. It would be nice. But I honestly don't care. I didn't until I said that. Because I never really think about it until someone asks me those dumb Disney questions. Why don't I have a boyfriend? WHy am I not dating guys like a normal person? That really gets to me. I hate thinking about it. Boys are a waste of time. But when I fall, I fall hard. I break every bone. Recovery is like trying to lick your own forehead. Virtually impossible. I go to school, and barely get by. I only do what is absolutely crucial. Everything else gets tossed into the procrastination bin. Including relationships. Such poo.

~Hurt me, break me, make me fall. Crush my heart, force me to crawl. Show me love is never real...The wait is worth the pain you feel~

I found this quote in the book I just finished a few days ago.

It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them.
-Stephen Chbosky

I thought it was appropriate. I've been dealing with that a lot lately too. What is and is not appropriate. Like certain things I've mentioned on my page. Certain feelings I've had. The things I did to justify those feelings. We'll just say...more inappropriate than not. (confusing...vague???) I finished The Giver today. It was assigned for my Great Works class. We were told to start the book today...I finished it. Go figure. I couldn't help it. The minute I picked that book up...it questioned the things I believe...it opened my eyes...it's not like a big miracle or anything. I just like the book. But not the ending. That was pretty much just a pile of poo. I think the rest of the book made up for it though. Unlike Night. That book sucked the whole way through. (that would be the one that I took a test over today) I'm tired of hearing about war and suffering. After that weird vietnam thing...and then the holocaust...I just can't take anymore this year. I need a break.

~You can't go on...No you can't even talk. Your future says run...but you can't even walk.~

Speaking of break! It's so close, I can taste it. But it comes at a cost (like everything else in this greedy bood-sucking world) I have to send out my graduation announcements and party invitations need to be made. I don't wanna. Too much hand eye coordination...Ok, I'm whining. But they MUST go out by this Friday...That gives me...tomorrow. (giggle) here we go with procrastination again. I also need to get together with Tyler and edit this stupid spanish video. I lack the equipment and the skills to do it on my own...or it would be done by now...it would have been done weeks ago. I just realized that it's 10:00pm. and I need to not fall asleep in class. Which means...I need to go to bed. So...sorry for the abruptishness <= lovin' that! *laugh* goodnight!

~If only for a night, I'll be the one that's on your arms to hold you tight. I wanna be with you~

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