This is not what I wanted...


05-09-03

~I didn't want to be the only one...~

For some reason, I downloaded a ton of Stone Sour and Acid Bath earlier today. For being someone who was so anti-slipknot...I really enjoy Cory Taylor's vocals. And I wouldn't know about any of this shit if it weren't for Tim. I would thank him...but we're still not speaking. And I would call him. But it's late, and I'm trying to hold on to any shred of dignity/pride that I have. Damn this Aussie! Everytime I try to update I swear. I'm going to take a break and talk to him so I don't lose my train of thought.

~Bleed me an ocean...just like a raindrop I was born baby to fall.~

So I told the Aussie my whole damn story. Looking for advice on the situation. That wasn't any good. I guess if you haven't really experienced it yourself...it's harder to grasp things. I am just in a horrible mood. After crying myself to sleep last night in a drunken rage, and having a really strange dream that Ben asked me out...then sitting around the house all day and thinking about everything that's been going on. I am a mess. You wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me. I actually did myself up before I went to Laurie's tonight. (and b4 I went to laurie's, I stopped to see my favorite BP guy...but still didn't have any balls.) *laugh* I'm a loser. And now that I'm rid of my favorite Aussie, Ben is on IM. I'm never going to be able to finish this. I told him about the dream that I had. He didn't really say anything about it...which proves my theory. And I'm fighting the urge to start drinking again. I'll just chain smoke instead. And before you know it, I'll have another reason to go back to BP. (I'm laughing my ass off at how lame that is) No. I have shit to do tomorrow. I've got to go pay my cell phone bill. And check to see how bad next month is going to be after I made all those long distance roaming calls from Michigan. That's it. I need to get at least a part time job. I've got some serious bills to pay. But then when my dad gets home tomorrow night around 6ish, I'm going to change my tire (he's bringing the new one home with him and I fully intend on changing it myself). I promised my brother and Troy that I'd take them with me to Michigan on Saturday for the Escanaba Firing Line show. (Jesse's band) But Sunday is Mothers Day. So we're going to fly Sunday morning like a bat out of hell to get home. That's the plan as of this moment. Things are always subject to change. But I just got off the phone with Jesse himself. And he's excited that I'm coming up again...not too happy about the short amount of time that I'm staying. But hey, a person can only do so much. And I'm thinking...it should be his turn to come here. But ya, we had a whole conversation about that. And he leases his car. So he can only put so much mileage on it. Blah Blah. It basically boils down to it being a hassle because he'll have to rent a car. But he's reassured me that he will be visiting. So, huh, we'll see. Ya, the quasi-situation with Jesse is just another tough and complicated mess. I'll just say, I am NOT moving out of state for another guy EVER again. I've made too many mistakes. And I just don't want to deal with it anymore. And like I said before, there are just too many issues between the 2 of our pasts. Don't get me wrong here. I enjoy his company. I have for over two years now. But I'm being careful. There's just...something I need to do before I can ever be happy in a relationship again. I don't know when it will happen. And I don't know how. So I'm avoiding titles and all that goes along with them. But there's nothing wrong with what I like to call, friends with benefits. right. So it's 4am once again. I think I'm going to start on this evenings paper journal entry...some poetry if I can get passed my writers block. And then maybe another sunrise if weather permits. It's been too foggy and rainy the past few days. So I'm hoping for a good one. Goodnight.

~Life dries cold beneath the dead soul lights. When death sleeps, it dreams of you.~

HOME
BACK