More Booze...more Adventure
05-08-03
~I'm like, so what I'm drunk. It's the freakin' weekend baby I'm about to have me some fun.~
It's Wednesday night/Thursday morning...and I'm drunk once again. The day started out well. Exceptionally well. I had another late night/early morning encounter with my favorite friend. I actually just had a conversation with Laurie about it. I honestly don't think it's going anywhere. It's kind of like the TJ thing...quite a bit more enjoyable. But it's almost like it's just a filler. Something to pass the time. Something to think about instead of other horrible things. (Like the fact that I've turned into an alcoholic.) I hate to think that way. But seriously, it's not like we're even dating. (As I take a swig of my precious Triple Black) Anyhow, I came home...and fell asleep until around 4 or 5 last night. Then I had to take control of the barbeque plan. I made some kickass bbq ribs. We had ribs, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and biscuits. Matt, Troy and I started to watch One Hour Photo and Laurie called to remind me about signing up for the booze cruise. It's this thing through Thirsty's (the bar that she used to work at) They get a bunch of people in a couple of buses. And they drink and eat and go bar hopping all over Ohio. Hmm, sounds like fun. So she came over to get me...and we had a really serious conversation on the way there. Starting with my story about yesterday morning. Just our theories on the reality of that. Which would be what I just said...about it not really being something of substance. I honestly don't know though. I'm spontaneous. Willing to try anything. Which is why I went to Michigan. And Jess is a REALLY great guy. He's got a lot of...quirks. I mean...every guy so far besides TJ has hated my smoking. But Jess was the only one who threatened with bodily harm. And if it weren't for the distance, I would definately at least make an attempt at a relationship. Not that I wouldn't try now...but we've both got so much baggage. Too many issues worth dealing with. So ya, the conversation with Laurie. (I'm really having a hard time focusing. I'm talking to Ben, some Aussie named Danny...and Laurie just called...on top of the fact that I'm totally falling off my chair drunk. I've noticed that I say God Dammit a lot when I'm sloshed...) Anyhow, so the conversation earlier, pre-drunkenstupor with Laurie...started with the previous night's festivities, and then we talked about how I'm jaded when it comes to relationships anyway. And I've been comparing everyone to Kyle. I'm just not satisfied. No one has ever treated me the way he did. I wish I had dictation of what we said earlier. It basically came down to me stating that I would give anything just to talk to him. And I would sell my soul to satan to have him back. (which is a pretty extreme exaggeration...I don't know what I'd do...but it would be crazy.) She said that she always thought we'd get back together. But she also said that she had no evidence to back it up. I can't feel my hands anymore. Forgive me for mistypes. We talked about the fact that no matter how happy you are with someone...you get bored. At least once. Not that I should be justified with what I did. I regret it. I wish I had the knowledge then that I do now. But I fucked up. I can't say that enough. I fucked up. And now...I hate myself. I hate everything that I've done to try and make myself feel better, because in the end I only felt worse. Like right now. After having that talk, we decided that it was a great time to get drunk. So I sat at the bar and tipped a few back. Got pretty tipsy. Played a few games of pool...stared at a guy who was staring at me from across the room...then left the bar...came home...and drank some more. And I still feel like shit. I think I'll feel like shit forever.
~You don't need to bother. I don't need to be.~
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