It All Amounts to Nothing In the End


03-31-03

~Go on and make a mountain of it~

I'm having a nicotine fit. I was up until 4am last night, but I actually got out of bed before noon today. How amazing. And I'm out of smokes. Nobody's home, and I'm assuming my mother took my dad to the hospital. We think he broke his ankle yesterday. And I'm out of smokes. UGH! There's no one home to snag one from. And I don't feel like getting dressed just to go out for 10 minutes to pick up a pack.

~You need a ride, well c'mon girl hop in the truck~

Hmm, I was tired of sitting around the house yesterday so I went over to Laurie's. She too was tired of sitting around. So we decided to pick up Nicole and go play pool at the bowling alley. That was entertaining. 3 nonpool playing tards making fools out of themselves. I guess we didn't do too bad. It was fun. It's just kind of frustrating that everywhere I go, I see people that I recognize from working in the mall. Anyways, we went to Ralphies and ate...lots of BBQed and spiced foods. Then it was back to Laurie's again where Nicole supplied the evenings video. Jackass. It was a very good time. It really is good for me to go out and just spend time with my girl friends.

~Of course it was my fault~

Which brings me to todays topic of choice. I hate people. More specifically, men. But I think I'll be PC and generalize the two. Why you ask? Because, they are the bain of my existance. And that's actually true for a lot of people. They're just not willing to admit it. Anyways, I don't think people should say things when they don't mean what they say. Like, "I'll call you" Or "I love/like you". Two extremes, yes. But often said without the action to back up the statement. Why can't it be easy to be honest? It's too easy to lie. And that just kills me. (It's official, dad's ankle is broken. 4-6 weeks to heal. Yuck.) But I digress. Once I get a hold of Tim, there's gonna be no turning back. It's truth or flogging. I'm just so sick and tired of playing these fucking games. And today will be the end of it. It's 2pm now. And his mom said he usually gets up around this time. If he doesn't call in about a half an hour, I'm going to call and let his phone ring until he picks it up. He was out all weekend and didn't call (when he said he would) so I was freaking out, and having bad dreams. So this is it. The conversation today is going to tell me whether or not I'm going to speak to him ever again. To see if he's been lying all this time. And to finalize this stupidity. More specifically, my problems with overreacting. (oh nicotine) I've been jumping to all kinds of conclusions, and personally, I don't enjoy thinking or feeling like this. It's definately not my mood of choice. I was invited to a party on Saturday and I didn't go because I was so pissed off all day. I've almost been avoiding contact with certain people cause I don't want to bother them with my state of mind. (state of mind = fuck the world) My goal is not to get anyone else involved in my shit. But that's hard to do when you really need to talk to someone about it. I know Laurie is probably sick of listening to me bitch. And everyone else that I've talked to has basically told me to just fucking get over it and move on. Which I hate to say it but that's harder than it seems.

~It's time to make a change here. Time to get away. And it's time for all the wrong reasons. Time to end the pain.~

It's a quarter after 2, I have a feeling I'm gonna have to go out and buy a carton of my mom's brand. Cause I've stolen 3 in about 10 minutes. That's not counting the 50 million that I've snagged since I've been out. I also have a feeling that I'm gonna have to play the psycho again and call Tim. This is starting to get really old. But the calling will commence at exactly 2:45pm computer time. Which is 18 minutes from now. Until then, I will post this and then probably update it later when the smoke has finally cleared.

~absolutely zero~

So the phone call has been made. And it went as follows. I told him about my dreams and that I was fucking worried about him all weekend because he didn't even have the courtesy to call me when he told me he would. And then didn't fucking call all weekend to give me a heads up on what the fuck was going on. So I asked him to just be honest with me and tell me what's been going on. And then he got all pissed of and yelled at me for accusing him of things. I asked him if he understood why I don't trust him after he fucking tried to replace me before I was even gone. (which doesn't seem like it's a big deal to him. But that fucking killed me) He should at least be considerate of that. No. He fucking yelled at me and told me that he wanted to get off the phone cause he was pissed and I ruined his day. He told me to call him back when I wasn't going to bitch at him. It's fucking bullshit. He's always the fucking victim. I ruined his day. Well cry me a God Damn river. You ruined my weekend, and the past 6 months of my life. How the fuck do you like that one??? I called him back after hanging up on him and called him out on being out all weekend getting drunk and smoking obscene amounts of pot. I asked if that was putting your life back in order so that one day you can come out here and sweep me off of my feet again like he said. NO! That's going right back to those habits that at one point in time you agreed with me that they were bad for you and fucking up your life. It's immature. And if that's the fucking way you want your life to be than fuck you! Cause I'm not dealing with it anymore. I asked if he had anything to say about it, and he said no. So I said fine. I hope that made your day better. And I hung up on him. So that's it. I'm finally done with it, and tomorrow is a new day.

~I'm tired of giving and not getting anything from you. So until you can see just how wrong that you'll be, I'm gonna do my thing and only worry about me.~

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