Notes from the Fishbowl
3-29-05 ~Both knees on the floor
	Long overdue update. Let's see, last post was the sixteenth...13 days ago. So approximately 2 weeks. This is where I'm at now. Remember that Will guy? Yeah, he's nuts. Well, he's been on my nuts ever since I met him. Even after we had our little conversation...we've had 3 or 4 more since then about the same damn thing. He's really pushing hard to get me to either have sex with him or be his girlfriend which would "obligate" me to have sex with him. So basically, he's a sex crazed drunken creep-O who invites himself over and calls randomly to see if I'm available for dinner (where he plans to get me drunk and take advantage of me). Everything this guy does has something to do with sex. He lives it, breathes it, eats it, sleeps it...he's obsessed. It's driving me up the wall. I'm starting to fear relationships. I'm beginning to think that the world is ending and I'm being sucked in by the sick, twisted and warped ideals of relationships past. There's nothing good left. It's all weirdos and sex driven Neanderthals. I take that back. I've met one decent guy recently. I'll get to that.
~You've made a fool of everyone.
	I listed Ben as someone I was talking to in the last post. That's been more than a wild goose chase. We were having such a difficult time trying to set a date that I'd almost given up on him. Eventually met up (only once so far) and discovered he's not so much like the picture I'd had in my head. He's a little bit country and I'm a little bit rock 'n roll if you know what I mean. Now that's not saying he's some kind of hill jack heeby jeebies type. I didn't hear dueling banjos at any point during our "date". He never said, "You sure do got a perdy mouth". He's just...he's not the best conversationalist. He looks a little like Keanu Reeves (if you can picture this) with short hair, slightly crooked bottom teeth in big brown steel toe boots, jeans, a t-shirt, a flannel shirt over that and a baseball cap. And then he opens his mouth and it's almost a flawless duplicate of Mr. Reeves. I don't know what to say. We really have nothing in common. He's good looking. He told me that he thinks I'm attractive as well. Other than that...
~Thanks to you now I get what I want
	On Patty's Day, I met someone else. Amidst all of the drama with Will and confusion with Ben, I meet Shane. Long story short: I discover that he works with Kyle at HT which is a little strange.  It's obvious that he digs me and we've been spending quite a bit of time together. We have A LOT in common. Into the same music, movies...we've both had our fair share of f'd up relationships. He's adorable. I can't help but to want him around. I thoroughly enjoy his company. He's not judgmental. In fact, he's very fun and open. The thing about Shane is...he's...a nice guy. Too nice. So nice in fact that I'm really scared that I'm going to rip him apart. There's been no relationship talk which I attribute to Nicole and Will. Nicole pretty much told him that we're both single now and we're trying to experience it the right way. Not getting into serious relationships and just having a good time. And I've told him about Will's ridiculous relationship banter. I'm sure that's discouraged him from bringing it up at all. I'm not trying to avoid it but...I am.
~You finally find that you and I collide
	Why is it that I'm avoiding a relationship with a really decent guy? Because I'm afraid that I'm settling. Ryan's fault. If it hadn't been for a conversation that he and I had over billiards one night, I would probably be in a serious committed monogamous situation already. I'm caught in an in between with Ryan. He's full of so much shit I swear! Now that we're speaking again...I don't know. We have these talks about the guys I've been seeing and his little Miss Erin. (Sorry, I'm still bitter about the boyfriend snatcher)  I hate being so connected to that boy though. I want to rip him from my head and completely forget about him but I can't. He's moving away in May and it's killing me. But I've pretended to be fine with it for his sake. Because I know he wants to leave. I know he wants that change of scenery. I know he wants to see if it's possible for he and Cassi to work things out. And because I don't want to be crazy like Erin. Because somewhere inside I still think that he's going to move away, figure out he was wrong and come back with open arms. Or maybe even before he leaves...I don't know. Pipe dreams and fantasies I suppose. It's just been super hard to let go. I thought I had. I thought I was okay with it but...I'm not. How can I? When we talk...it's just like it used to be only I'm a smartass and he likes it. He reads this damn thing so he's obviously still interested. He comes on to me. Jokingly but...I don't know! Damn. I don't know. What I do know...I know that it would be wrong for me to scramble Shane up in the mix. He's had enough bullshit like that. I should just wait until Ryan is gone and out from under my skin. The problem is...he's getting himself attached and I think I am as well. Except I'm being pulled in 9 million directions I don't know which way is up anymore. Ryan, Will, Ben, Shane...I can't pay my bills. I'm wasting away in an office all day everyday. My parents want me to go to TN with them. I don't know anymore!!! What a mess. I'm half tempted to go to TN. Just because. I won't know anyone. I'll live with my parents and work nonstop to pay off my bills no distraction. Then I'll come back. Then I'll meet someone maybe. Escape. Disappear. That's my best plan so far.