Dreams

03-29-03

~i'm apologizing now for telling you i thought that we would make it. i just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed~

Cigarettes are so nice after a bowl of spaghettios at 4 o'clock in the morning. Especially while listening to Jason Mraz by candlelight. I actually went out to the mall tonight. (omygawd) In search of the beautiful Mr. Mraz himself. That WAS the plan. But I of course ended up in Journeys talking to Carrie for a half an hour. Ben and his friends are trying to hook her up on a blind date with Jeff from the movie theatre. So they can video tape the mischief. Silly, silly boys. And on my way to the wonderful world of music, I got sidetracked in wetseal. Shannon was so excited to see me. She offered me a job. I guess there's an assitant manager that she's trying to give the boot. so hidey ho! it's true that the longer you wait, a job will just fall into your lap. I don't know if I really want to work in the mall again. Originally it was because I didn't want the gossip and drama anymore. But I've discovered that the fewer people you tell what's up, the more people know about it in the end. So why the hell not. I don't know. Anyhow, while I was there, we made plans to meet up at S&S after she closed. So I scurried down to make my purchase. And I got the last copy they had. woo hoo. I've been listening to it ever since.

~we will cure this dirty ol' disease. cause if you gots the poison, I gots the remedy.~

It's 4:20! For all you losers out there. I hope you're burning your last brain cell right now. And I'm smokin' my last turkish jade. Good thing I got buy one get one free. (I love drivethrus) we all have our vices. Anyhow, after I got my cd, I went back down to Jouneys. Talked to Carrie s'more. She told me that the lovely Christopher Daley was visiting the other day. And she informed him of my return. He replied, "tell her to take the open asst. mngr. position." and she told him that she didn't think I wanted it. Hello! Your company fucked me. So I fucked your company and walked out on my job in CT after you pulled all those strings to get me transferred. Why would I work for you again. Just for Chris...that's probably what he thinks. So I can be closer to him. What a crock. He's so full of himself. ok, I just spent an hour talking to my mom (it's 5:30am) so I'm gonna nap and finish this later.

~who needs shelter when the mornings coming?~

10:40pm
I've been in the worst mood today. First of all, I slept until 5pm. After being up until 7am. I wasn't in a very good mood yesterday either. I won't say the past two nights I've slept. The past two times that I've slept, I've had these horrific dreams. Both of Tim. I won't go into full detail, but I will say that I woke up crying both times. I never remember dreams. And these are etched in my brain. So I've been attempting to not sleep anymore today. Didn't have anything to do...so I've been watching tv. Trying to drown out the screams in my head. What's even better is that ever since I woke up yesterday, I've been trying to get a hold of Tim. I've called...too many times to count. And when I called today, I talked to his mom for about a half an hour. About the weather...and she said that's he's been out with Thad since yesterday early afternoon. She hasn't heard from him. I talked to Nicky and Tabitha last night. And they're doing good. Said they've seen Tim all of twice in the three weeks that I've been gone. Nick said it sounds like Tim's off sowing his wild oats. Which would prove my dreams now wouldn't it. So ya. hence the terrible mood. No matter how much you try. You can't just forget about someone that you love like that. And after what happened before I left, I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again. Let alone him right now.

~So who am I to say this situation isn't great? It is my time to make the most of it. Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me.~

I guess more than anything, I feel betrayed. I gave him everything I had. And he threw it back in my face. Like it meant nothing to him. And now we can't have a normal conversation without fighting. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I've tried sleeping the days away. I've tried hanging out with friends. I've tried drinking, and smoking until my lungs feel like they're going to collapse. I tried shop therapy. I tried spacing out in front of the tv. I'm sorry. I can't finish this.

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