03-27-01 Tuesday

~I'm no good, I feel too small~

I'm finding less and less time to update this thing. I have things that I should be doing right now. Like studying. New quarter started yesterday. It's gonna be hard. No time. At all. I'm gonna be writing papers like it's my job...ya, not so thrilled about that. I have a new...theory?? There are 3 aspects of my life. School, work, and social. In order of importance...I told Kyle that, and he questioned me. He said "that doesn't leave much room for me does it?" So I had to explain that when I'm in school, (you can ask Kristin...or anyone else for that matter) all I talk about is Kyle. And at work...for Pete's sake, we both work there. And social pretty much revolves around him. Not much room??? Not much room for anything else. So I've been trying to crack down since classes started. Study study study. Well, that was the plan for today. And I came home with intentions to do just that. Kyle called. And I decided it wouldn't hurt to go out for a few hours. Then right before I stepped out the door, I got a call from the credit card company. Bitches. I haven't even activated the card they sent me. (cause I don't trust myself) and they're trying to charge a $45 dollar fee onto it for credit insurance. In case my card gets stolen. I don't need this crap. It's like everything just decides to take a big shit on my head all at once. New quarter, new classes, new problems, credit drama, no money, dying gramma, friends breaking up, no money, no time, family crap, no money...did I mention my lack of money? So by the time I made it to Kyle's, I was...about to rip my hair out. He jumped right in to cheer Laura up mode. And I don't know, when I'm in a piss poor mood, I tend to stay there. And I tried to be postitive. But after we stopped in at the mall, and we ran over to check into cash to see why Nicole had paged Kyle...by the time we got to Taco Bell to eat, I don't know. We sat in the car for about 15 minutes trying to figure out just exactly why I was mad. (frustrated) And it seemed like a fight almost. Should I mark this day as our first fight? Honestly, I think it was a combination of everything that got me worked up, and he has this way of poking at the right nerves at the wrong time. And I went off. He was confused...so was I. He got this weird look in his eye like he thought I was going to break up with him...it kinda sounded like it. So I mentioned that. And I don't know...I didn't want him to think that I was. But I sparked the thought, and he asked me on the phone a few minutes ago what the whole thing was about. Hell if I know. But the "fight" is over. Last night, I smacked him about 12 times cause he freakin' gleeked on my face. Right in my eyeball. Sometimes his lack of respect pisses me off. I wish...I don't know, we had this big conversation with Kent tonight at the mall about his thing with Kaycee. He's such a sweet boy. Talking about how much he respects women in general, but moreso how much he respects Kaycee. Nicole told him he should talk to Tyler.

~It's safer on the outside~

03-28-01 Wednesday

I never finished last night because I was on the phone with Kyle. Typing and talking...my neck hurt. So I gave up last night's journal. I forget the point I was attempting to approach. We've been together for a month and a day. If you include the technicality that February is only 28 days. Our first kiss...was the 24th of February. Today is the 28th of March. So we had our first fight...on our one month anniversary. How's that for irony? We were on the phone until 2am. doing quizzes on www.emode.com. There are quite a few good ones there. But before we got into the quizzes, we talked out the fight (in an abstract sort of way) and I asked him what I did to deserve a guy like him. I'm a pain in the ass. I'm dramatic, and paranoid. I lack confidence in myself. And still he says none of those things bother him. I think sometimes I just need to be reassured that he wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with him. I think this is the first time I can say that I've been so satisfied. (I can't get no satisfaction baby)

~don't it make you hurt don't it make you feel like the world aint on your side.~

Ugh. This quarters classes are far more demanding than I orginally thought they would be. But I think I'm up for the challenge. I'm already tired of people. Like my history prof. Chinkilla. (his name is Churella...but that evolved into Chinchilla which then changed to Chinkilla) His voice is like sandpaper on eyeballs. And he uses as many large words that mean the same exact thing to explain himself. Then there's psych prof. Handley. He's got a great accent. Boston. He talks about behavia. (behavior) Hmm, My J-com (journalism and communications) prof has a twitchy eye. We got in a huge debate over pop culture today. I was right when I said the class would be more interesting when Jason and Brad got back from California. Brad got put in Lisa and my group. Jason got stuck in another. So Jason's soul point is to disprove anything that our group says. I wanted to beat him violently. And Film theory...God that's gonna kill me. It's all theoretical and abstract. I'm not excited. But this is good. I can't always love the classes I'm taking. I do think it'll be interesting. Just listening to this guy talk though frightened me. It's worse than Kenny. Then there's choir...it wasn't so bad yesterday. This guy who always stood up for the weird girl who started random conversations about things that had no particular point in my poetry class last quarter. I think his name is Zachery. He was there...but not today. And Karen was there yesterday too. MIA I didn't see either of them. Whatever. Yellow poloshirt boy is in my history this quarter. I haven't seen him since orientation. (you can prolly find the entries that I mentioned him in. I don't remember when sometime last year.) He stared at me all through orientation in the science lecture hall. Whatever. I'm tired. Got youth group tonight. Gotta read my film essay...can do that later. Need to finish cleaning my room. Or go waste some more time on emode...

~I still believe it when you say it's a perfect day. I don't know how to keep it all inside. I guess i'll let it slide.~

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