03-26-00 Sunday (early morning)


I'm so frustrated right now. Everything decided to overwhelm me all at once. I worked on the page all day Saturday. (or at least that's what it feels like) and it's been nothing but a hassle. There was something going on with my guestbook. It disappeared for awhile. but it's back now. While I was on-line, I chatted a bit with Jason. We plan to keep in touch while he's off at college. That's cool...James called Friday while I was occupied in Wapak. So I called him back. He wanted to know if I was ok. He heard about the accident. He's the first and only one to ask if I was ok. It's nice to know he does still care...

~What if I told you I was lonely? What if
I told you that my wrongs don't make it right.~

Laurie showed up a couple hours before the Driveway...Broken Yoke show. We gossiped for awhile. Talked about Stevie troubles...her problems with Trash and Nati. Nate has to finish school next year. I can't believe he's not graduating with us. That's crazy. and Nicole or someone said something about my prom date being Will the guy from Broken Yoke...Wait a minute!!! My prom date is NOT Will from B.Y. It's my ex-boyfriends friend. Just regular old Will. Anyhow, I was struggling with my guestbook at the time. So she took off. She wanted to check in on the guys at the show. (the guys being Dave, Steve, Neil, and Virg my ex-bandmates) I got ready. Cursing the computer and my stupid page the whole time. and headed for the show.

~You believe in someone and something so strong
and all at once it's gone, life goes on.~

The show...I can't describe why I was so upset when Driveway played. They really...I don't understand how they can get up there and sing about God and then preach about the peer-pressure in college and how you shouldn't let it get to you...You'd think the guilt would pull them back. They live that life every day. They let the pressure take over their lives...and yet they still have the audacity to get up there and say, "Don't do it. It's bad." I mean, practice what you preach. It hit me...hard. and Neil's older brother Jeff attacked me. More than once. He was practically on top of me...asking what was wrong. #1 he totally invaded my space. #2 I didn't want to slam the twisted morals of his brothers band right to his face. After they finished, and B.Y. was setting up, I went with Laurie into the back room. Dave was sprawled out on the floor...Boasting about how good it made him feel to be on stage. Sure. It's a rush. but he was up there for all the wrong reasons. I didn't say anything. Cause it's not my place. I'm not the perfect worshipper. I can't judge like that. but it hurts me because I KNOW these guys. and I know how they really are when they aren't on stage. and it's a little hipocritical. Anyhow, Neil comes in, and picks me up...throws me around like a rag-doll...tosses me on the floor, and lands on top of me. (When I was in the band, Neil hardly said word one to me) He's like, "I've missed you." WOW! That was a shock. So I said I missed him too. (I've never really known him that well. but yeah...) Then he's like, "You smell good." and I was like, "You don't. You just got done playing drums for an hour and a half." OUCH! I didn't mean to give him the cold shoulder. but geez. We're in a church...and he jumps me...so did his brother. what's up with that? Whatever. Broken Yoke is awesome. I can't say that enough. They're about ready to bust loose any day. They'll be famous. Seriously. I'm listening to the cd right now. I've incorporated some of their lyrics into MY entry. That's how close they are to fame. (laugh) But I was wandering around looking for Laurie. She really had me worried. I left the concert early. Because there was no reason for me to be there. Concerts just aren't what they used to be. I don't have a crush on any of the guys in the bands. (that seemed to be my excuse for attending shows last year. i.e. Danny P.) It was dull.

~The sinful life takes its prisoners.
Why can't I live what I believe?~

My car is still broken. dad said he fixed it...but it died on the way to the show, and barely made it home. The trip home was...extremely overwhelming. I was frustrated. With my computer, the show, the boys, Friday, the car...I go to turn the corner, look up, and see...a white mini-van...The driver was...guess who! Dan. How strange is that? It got me thinking about what I'm going to do on Tuesday. I can't be around him. There's no way I could keep my mouth shut. It's gonna happen. I have to talk to him eventually. His actions...I don't know...They upset me. He hurt my feelings. and he couldn't even say what he said to my face. That hurts more. I understand now...that he and I would have just made a mess. So, I guess all that's left is me...being the bigger person, and speaking up. *sigh*

~There's a fire that burns within me
deep inside my soul. Longing for the life You
promised. Heaven make me whole.~

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