03-14-01 Wednesday

~"I'm really unhappy about the fact that two of my favorite bands are considered 2 hit wonders by my favorite tv station"~
-me...on Silverchair and Extreme
I've stooped to an all-time low. I'm watching Undressed. And I just told Jesse that I'm going out with Kyle. I don't think he was very impressed. I don't think Kyle was very impressed with Jesse either. I guess I mention Jess a lot. Cause when Kyle and I were having our very interesting conversation the other day, he asked who Jesse was. That kinda cracked me up. But I think more than anything it made me feel good. Just to know that he may be a little jealous. God knows I am. It's ridiculous. And it was even worse tonight. I went into the mall, cause he insisted I come in and see him the other night on the phone. I went in. I think I reached a point of enlightenment. I didn't realize just how attracted I am to Kyle until now. It's frightening. But a lot of the time, I don't get the same vibe from him. I want to know somtimes. Why he likes me. Or why he's even attracted to me when there are so many cute girls out there who would be more than happy to date him. The worst part is that knowing that, makes me even more attracted to him. But I'm sure, my dramatic nature...just makes me seem ridiculously needy. So the rest of the night was pretty poor. Jesse just said something that explains how I feel. Let me quote him. "cause if I dig her, then she's great. So why would she want to be with me?" We were talking about our insecurities. So true. He's a friggin' genius. I'm so terribly insecure. (laugh) I want to kick myself right in the ass. I just told my little brother that I love him. (the only time I can be civil with him...when he's extremely tired and headed for bed) I gave him a big hug. (that's rare) and asked if he loved me too. He said, "I guess." then this huge grin spreads across his face. Nerd.

~Why you wanna gimme the run around?~

It's such a small world. Or maybe I just live in a small town. I think of what it would be like to live in Grove or something, and that makes me sick. Everytime I turn around, there's someone I know. I work in the mall. And that defintely doesn't help. The other day, I was helping this group of guys pick out sunglasses. They were...a pretty sad bunch. And obviously cause Danielle didn't even want to help them. But I talked them all into a pair of glasses, and one of them ended up getting a couple of t-shirts. So I was doing a good job. Well, they were hitting on me. Danielle said my name, so they knew my name...that always worries me. It's not a big deal until they know your name and can come into the store and specifically ask for you. Well, the next day I had off so Nicole and Jon and I met at Taco Bell. Shortly after we got our food, two of the guys walked in. They immediately said hi to me. (and said my name ahhhh) They sat behind us so I ignored them the majority of the time we were there. Then Nicole elbows me and asked if they were talking to me. I wasn't really paying attention...so I turned around and the one guy asked if I always ignored guys who hit on me. I said "sometimes." and then I said "guys don't usually hit on me." and he asked why. And I told him because I have a boyfriend. His friend was all "ooooh! that hurts man" and I laughed. I apologized. He was embarassed. Later, we ran into them again at Wal-Mart when we were getting film developed. eck! scary. They yelled out the window of the truck they were in. And I laughed really loudly. Losers. It seems like I only get hit on when I'm seeing someone. Tonight, I was sitting on a bench right by the door (by Gadzooks) at the mall. Waiting for Kyle...everyone was leaving...and I pulled out my poetry noetbook...just to read what I've written in the past few months. THis guy walks past me and out the door. I looked up at him, and he was staring at me. Whatever. He went outside. So I went back to my poetry. A few minutes later. (at least 5) He walks back in the door. I looked up...just cause I'm nosy and I had looked up when anyone walked by. Mary went past, and I said goodnight to her. This chick who had been in the store a few minutes earlier was leaving, and I talked to her. So he opens the door, and asks me if I was waiting for a ride, or if I needed one. I smiled. It was funny. Typical. I'm no longer single, and now everyone chooses to notice me. I said, "no. I'm waiting for my boyfriend who works at Gadzooks." He's like, "OH...ok" and hurried to get back out the door. I thanked him. Ya. It always happens like that. (Tom Delounge is so hot) Just thought you'd like to know. And I have this nasty cough. ug. The point of this section of the journal was to explain why Lima is such a small place. I don't remember where I was going with it...or what else I was going to say. I wanna know why that guy was so interested. Why he waited outside for so long and them came back in just to ask if I needed a ride. (I HAVE A CAR! I'M A BIG GIRL) Was it because I'm so hot...(hee hee arrogance still doesn't help the self esteem) or because he was just a nice guy? I think it's because I was sitting there reading poetry. It's that mysterious chick thing. That introverted...damn there must be something really cool about her cause she can sit on a bench by herself and it doesn't bother her thing. Yup that's it. Exactly. But anyway, you know what I love??? I love just driving around this place. Cause I know that I know where I'm going. And because I can go to the mall, and I guarantee, I'll stop and talk to at least 10 people I know. sigh. How in the world am I ever going to leave? Oh here's another cool thing. Nicole and I are talking about moving in together. Laurie and Jess are moving out of their place in September, and we may take over. It's exciting. But since house sitting is closer (timewise) I'm going to focus all of my energy on that. Goodnight.

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