06-03-00 Saturday


So uh, let's see...I nixed the blue background idea. I guess it just wasn't me. What have I been up to you ask...hmmm. I was waiting on a phone call all day from Jason. He called me Thursday and asked if I wanted to take a trip to Dayton to see his last concert. He even offered to hook me up with a ride. (I guess Link and Hernandez were already planning on going.) So he told me that he'd call with the plan. Well, I waited...and waited. Then Nicole called. So I stopped waiting and went to Nicole's. It was her last trip to her her mom's house. She's moved in with her dad now. In a way, I'm glad. Cause none of us really liked her mom very much. (not even Nicole) but then again...she's clear across town now. and I practically get lost every time I go to her dad's place. But at least she's no longer a bond slave. Anyhow, we chilled in her empty bedroom for awhile. (we = Rob and I) and we helped her get rid of a few things from the closet. Then I convinced them to go out to dinner with me. So chinese it was. That was a good time. We just...laughed at the menu. Gang Bang Chicken. It's an actual dish. (ok ok, it's gang pang chicken. but it's all the same to me) they also have Gang Bang Shrimp, and Gang Bang Wings!!! How exciting! So that was nice.

~Go in there all knight in shining armor! da da da da!~

I took a trip to the mall. (well, multiple trips) The first time I went, I had a purpose. I was on a mission to find a kick-butt graduation present for Laurie. I'm not gonna say what it is. She reads this sometimes. But we'll just say it doesn't kick as much butt as I wanted it to. So I just got her that and a card. I couldn't find anything! I went to EVERY store that she shops in. But I'm satisfied. I also stopped in bath and body works. I got an application...I figure...hey, I'm here...I might as well please my mother for a week or two. I took another trip to the mall today. Before Alanna's party. I needed to get her a card. So I did that. Then I stopped in Walden's...because I can. I was scanning the tables and came across a few Calvin and Hobbes books. I remembered (I don't know where this memory came from) that Alanna liked Calvin and Hobbes. So I also got her a comic book. I took the application back in and they said, "well, I think we'll be giving you a call next week for an interview." So ya...I went to Alanna's party. It was cool. A lot like mine. Sparce in the beginning...mostly family. People come for about 10 minutes...That's cool. She was really surprised by the present. It was a stab in the dark. I was praying that she'd like it. and she did. Thank Heavens! But I skipped out pretty quick. I was going to go to Missy's party. But I never made it. I came home for a few (or at least I thought) I didn't realize how tired I was. I sat down and vegged in front of the television. I guess my body has gotten used to the downtime. I put myself in shock when I try to do too much. I've been watching this crazy Real World marathon. For like a week straight. ugh! and I sit around on my fanny...get bored...so I eat. I eat like you wouldn't believe. I've gained at least 10 pounds. It's terrible. I feel like crap. But I know that as soon as I get a job, I'll be out so much that I don't have time to eat. I'll lose it all and then some. That's what always happens. I've been so lazy!!! I've skipped youth group for a month. I really...I can't get back into the swing of things. and I'm really disappointed in myself.

~...uh she like to dance in the hip hop spots and she cruise through the crews like connect the dots.~

I ended up taking my brother out for a treat this evening. I took all of his nintendo games away, so I've been feeling a little guilty. YES. I took the games away. #1: It's summer vacation! c'mon! go outside! It's nice out there. #2: He screams at the top of his lungs. Every curse word in the book. and he gets so worked up over the dumbest games. I went through them. I took every violent game we own and hid them in my room. I think he's left with uh...Frogger. So ya. I took him to the video store (cause I was bored and decided to rent a few movies) and I rented him some dumb video game. We went to the grocery and picked up some candy. Then to Subway because he was hungry. (all on my grad. money btw) Anyhow, we watched Idle Hands together. It's hilarious. Not only hilarious, but anything that can keep my brother and I from fighting for two hours straight has to be Heaven sent. So it's not such a good movie in terms of violence...sex...crude language...it was...bad. Funny like American Pie...but with a little more depth and a lot more blood and guts. I also rented Urban Legends. But I decided to save that one for tomorrow. I don't need any more freakishness tonight. I'll barely be able to sleep as it is. PLUS! I have Tyler's party tomorrow. and Jon's if I can get the information (ie time, place...etc) There's another one...I can't remember. So I definitely need sleep. Even though I'll probably just chill at Tyler's all day. I'll try and set up a time that we can work on the movie. *sigh*

~Don't speak I know what you're thinkin', I don't need your reasons. Don't tell me cause it hurts.~

I just remembered...James called. Yesterday. He said that he and Goo were going to stop by today. Funny...they didn't. That's ok though. I'm getting used to being dissed by guys. Jason says he's gonna call. nope. James says he's gonna stop by. nope. I can't seem to figure them out. I know it's virtually impossible. But I still try. and I'm starting to get extremely frustrated with the fact that I'm single. It's...old. Cause I've always been single. It's time for something new. I've had boyfriends...but I still felt single. (Chris was like an experiment, and I just couldn't be serious with James) The...things that I took from those relationships are just ordinary things. Everyday things that I could have had whether I was in the relationship or not. I gained nothing. I didn't benefit at all. Call it selfish. I just don't know what I'm missing in a serious relationship because I've never had one. I think more than anything...that's what I need right now. Something solid.

~Take this pink ribbon off my eyes. I'm exposed and it's no big surprise.~

So he's mad. (My brother) because I came back and started typing my stupid journal entry. He's become obsessed with napster all of a sudden. It's kinda cool. I admit. I think I was exposed to napster in my cousin's basement. We (we = Mike and I) were listening to Blur, Loreena McKennit and some crazy vampire/porn music. He cracks me up. I haven't talked to him...Since the cast party for Revue. I don't know if I should just call and be like, "Waaaazzzzup?" or if I should give up. Period. I know what I want. I want him to give me a few minutes of no nervous pressure to say, "You know, I'm fine with your 'no relationship' policy. That's cool with me. I just want to chill with you. I like being around you because I feel like I can do whatever. I can't surprise you or catch you off guard. It's comfortable. So just give me a chance." That's what's funny. I DO feel comfortable around him. But I still don't have the balls to say something like that to him. I don't know why. *shakes head* It's confusing. Grrr. I'd probably be doing the same thing if Jason didn't call me. He's good with stuff like that. Cause he's in Dayton, and he can call here on his cell. But I can't call there. It's too expensive. So he'll give me a ring every once in a while. It's nice. But I could never wish for Mike (or any other guy for that matter) to call me just to talk. I mean, James will once in a blue moon, and Chris calls when he and his woman are having problems. Tyler calls if he needs me for something, and Rob calls if he wants a ride somewhere. But other than that...guys don't call me. I just wish it wasn't so hard with Mike. I also wish the same for Dan. I used to call him once or twice a week. We always had good conversation. But as soon as I brought up having feelings for him...POOF! It turned into this big...thing. and even though we put that aside, I still feel weird calling him. and I can't bring myself to do it. It's kind of the same way with Mike. Only he never got drunk and yelled at my friend about me. He told me...politely over the phone that he has no desire for a relationship (no time...he's afraid is what I think) and so I put it aside. and I still feel strange when I try to call. I can't say, "hey Mike, how about you come here, and we'll go see a movie." because he's basically told me that he doesn't want to come here. That really sucks. I hate one-sided relationships.

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