06-30-00 Friday
For those of you who didn't get the e-mail...I changed e-mail addresses. I'm now at
holyrevelry@hotmail.com
And for those of you who don't know, I had a "party" last night. I'm calling it a "party" because there weren't really many people there. Just my very few friends. And...if you don't think you got invited...I probably called and got an answering machine. It was last minute. Because all of my "parties" tend to be thrown when my parents happen to be away. I just don't feel that I have the room to have friends over...when they're here. They (my parents) went to a Brian Setzer concert in Dayton...I wasn't planning anything at all. Until I talked to James on the phone. He invited me over to play football with him and Andrew. I went...expecting to play football...but we just sat around. I mentioned having the house to myself for the evening. and then I mentioned the possibility of a party. But then I thought..."I don't have enough friends for that." I told Andrew that I'd throw a party for just him, me, and James...but he kind of...looked at me funny. They suggested calling a few of their friends. But I said no. I'd work on it. Andrew had to work at 5...but he thought he;d be able to get off early. (shades of wrestlefest) After Andrew left James house...We got into another conversation about the situation with Andrew and I. I know I should talk to him. But it's not like we call each other regularly. I only see him if he happens to be with James. Which makes me feel like I'm on the same level as the girls who live across the street and sit on the porch to stare at him. (btw, Kris is the man. He told me to say that) Anyhow, Maybe...if I wasn't so intimidated by him...if I had game. Right.
~If only I'd take you in my arms and say, I won't go, cause I need you.~
So after I left James house, I went to Nicole's. She said she'd stop by the big "party". And I called Tyler to invite him. He of course agreed. I stopped at Arbys to get something for my brother for dinner. Then I came home and cleaned. and in between cleaning, I called people. Like, Laurie (machine) and Jen. I talked to her mom. I called my cousin who was on her way to Lima anyhow. So she said she'd stop by. I cleaned...like crazy. I washed my hair, and put on my famous cut-off wife beater...and a pair of jeans...and the dog starts barking. Megan, and her friend Jeff were the first ones to stop in. We chilled in my room cause Matt had taken over the living room. I threw on some different clothes, and some make-up. I did my hair...lightening speed. Then Nicole and James showed up...then Tyler. We were all packed in my room. Stereo blasting, video camera rolling...I got lots of great footage. Hilarious. It's mostly, me shaking my rear, and James beating the crap out of me. I found out that Andrew had to work until 10:30. So he wouldn't be there for a while. My cousin left to got watch some swim meet. but came back. Then left again. All before Andrew ever got there. He was really late. He popped in while we were watching the video. Laughed his butt off cause we are so funny...had some cake...then I turned the camera back on. (all for my wonderful cousin who's heard all about Andrew, and still hasn't seen him.) I taped a whole half an hour of my brother being obnoxious. It was horrible. That's when the evening turned sour.
~I hope you choke on you r pride when I make you swallow it~
He...makes me so mad. And I wanted to curl up into a little ball right there. But Andrew and James laughed at him...He's NOT funny. He curses...like you wouldn't believe. And insults me. I felt totally embarrassed for the first time in a long time. *sigh* and then they left. With me apologizing to them for having to watch such a display. They tried to explain that they both understood. They have younger siblings. But I mean...He does things like this right in front of the guy that I like. and It hurts. because I'm already at such a disadvantage...I don't know how to make things good. I don't know how to...get under his skin. (not that I want to be a parasite...) I just want him to feel like the way I do. I try...but I don't know anymore. Maybe I shouldn't be trying. They left...and I sat on the porch for awhile. I cooled down before I came inside. I had to move Matt's mattress back into the living room (he's sleeping there until they finish his room) and I almost started bawling...I went into my room. Sat down to write some poetry...but I couldn't...and I got frustrated...and then I cried. For an hour...not the...graceful sobbing type of cry. It was the sloppy, sniffly type. I cried hard. and then I prayed. Then, I went into the living room, and apologized to my brother. (crying the whole time...and I made him cry) I tried to explain why he hurts my feelings. and how much I wish he had God. I tried to explain Jesus to my brother. I thought he understood...but it wasn't helpful, cause he's already back to his regular crap today. Which is disappointing. But I'm disappointed in myself. More than anything. Cause I can't handle stupid situations. and I can't talk to a guy. and I can't throw a "party" without crying. This happened the last time I threw a party. I bawled. For hours afterward. About Danny...but that was a whole different thing. I just don't understand.
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e-mail: holyrevelry@hotmail.com