A wishful thinker with the worst intentions...


06-27-03 10:00pm

~You left your thumbprint inside me now for months it seems...~

Hey! This is the first time I've been on the computer all day. I'm trying to slowly ween myself off of it. Plan to only get on once a day from now on. No more late late night updates. No more updating everyday for that matter. I'm setting myself back on a routine schedule. The computer will be off by midnight. I'm turning off the cell phone at night from now on. No more tv after midnight. Bedtime! That's right, 21 years old, and I'm giving myself a bedtime. And yes, I have a good reason for this. I was up ALL night again last night. My days and nights are mixed up, and I'm going to finally put my foot down and fix it. For the sake of getting a job. For the sake of all that is good. I really thought about it though...and came to a conclusion. The only reason I was on-line so much at first was because I was actually talking to people. Well, mainly Jesse. Jesse e-mailed me everyday. That's stopped. I don't talk to Ben on IM anymore. I do...but it's rare. I don't post on the Mraz boards much anymore...I just find myself wasting time on this stupid site. Overthinking and overtyping about things that are of no importance what-so-ever. It's gotten to the point where I'm actually curious as to who reads this when I never cared before. No wonder no one is responding to my shameless begging and pleading for whoever it is to identify themselves. Obviously, you have no desire to speak to me. You'd just rather read about what I have to say about you. Which quite frankly, I have nothing more to say about anyone. Positive or negative...I've said it all.

~Talkin' to me about some zero percent interest...~

I'm starting to revert back to the simple ways. Like keeping journals in notebooks rather than spilling myself to the public. It's refreshing. I actually started writing a story the other day. I also started writing "letters" to whom it may concern. Titled, "Dear Love" I've compiled all of these interesting life tales...my history so to speak. I let my imagination run away with a pen in hand and wrote this with the intentions of giving it to the love of my life someday. Kind of like what I had planned to do with my book of poetry which I mistakenly gave to Tim. I wonder if that's in the box of my stuff that he's going to send to me (Lord only knows when). Or if he thought he'd keep it. What would you do with something like that? If a girlfriend/boyfriend gave you a book full of their poetry, would you keep it? Or burn it...or just give it back? I don't see a reason to keep it. It'll just get thrown away someday or packed up in a box and stored away never to be seen again. Would he burn it? Personally, I'd prefer having it back in my posession. Just to keep in my own mountainous collection of poetry. Because it's mine. Because I gave it to him and assumed I would always be there to protect it. It's probably in that box...I wish he'd just send it to me and get it over with. I can understand money problems...but wouldn't UPS take a credit card? Hell, if you're that poor anyway, take some time off of work and hand deliver the damn thing. Why not??? He's got friends around here that he could visit and stay with. Just finish what you started. If you no longer wish to carry on a simple conversation with me then cut the rest of these ties and forget about it. Okay, so I just did what I said I wasn't going to. What was I talking about? Oh ya, so I've just been doing a lot of writing including my little "Dear Love" journal. So hopefully someday when I find my motorcycle riding, guitar playing, tall, dark and handsome man, (give or take...I'm getting old, and beggars can't be choosers) I'll give that to him...but as for the rest, I'm keeping it to myself from now on. Although that was definately a bit of a slip. So I'm no good at shutting my mouth. Sometimes that's a blessing, but mostly just a curse.

~When you cried I'd wipe away all your tears, when you screamed I'd fight away all your fears...~

So as for my poor sleeping habits...like I said, I'm taking action. And it will be remedied by the time this weekend is through. And Monday will be the beginning of what should have started a VERY long time ago. And since I've taken this vow of not talking about serious or even semi-serious personal issues here anymore...it leaves me with very little to talk about. (we'll see how long that lasts) Plus it's 11pm. Just about my bedtime. So that's all folks.

~I believe in fate. I believe in good things coming to those who wait.~

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