6-26-00 Monday
WARNING
This entire entry is going to be about the events of last night, and Andrew...if you do not wish to
read a very large journal entry about these specific topics, I suggest you hit the back button.
So I was chatting on ICQ after I had finished updating yesterday. James and I got into a
conversation about what he had planned for the evening. The idea was he, his girlfriend,
Matt, his girlfriend, and Andrew were going to go to the drive-in. They didn’t know what time to
be there. They didn’t know what movies were showing...so we got into another arguement about
James lack of planning skills. I told him I’d think about going with them if he could make solid
plans that wouldn’t fall through. So he’s like, I’ll call you back. In that time, I took a shower...and
got dressed, put on make-up...and did my hair. Finally, he called back with the “new plan”. His
girlfriend couldn’t go...Neither could Goo’s. So it was now, James, Goo, Andrew, and I. The only
girl. Which in a way is good...but it’s also bad. Bad because they abuse me...good cause they pay
attention to me. Twisted...I know. Anyhow, the plan was that we’d meet at James house by 8:30.
I get there...at 8:00 cause I figured if I was late...or if all of them got there before me...they might
just say “screw this” and go. But they were all there...eating...so I was early for no reason. We
were bored...so we swung past Nicole’s place. She and Tyler were supposedly watching a movie.
Anyhow, we get to the drive-in. Alive thank God! Between Andrew’s system...and the strange
noises his car makes...I thought we were gonna die. (Not really)
~If only I had the guts to feel this way, and if only you’d look at me and you’d understand, and if
only I’d take you in my arms and say “I won’t go cause I need you"~
So the information everybody wants to know...(not really) James and Goo were hassling me...for
almost an hour. “talk to him. ask him questions...say penis. tell him he’s SEXY!!!” I was just
frustrated. I’ve never been in such an odd position like this...I’ve never HAD to ask questions and
talk...because the majority of my ex-boyfriends were my friends first. But I guess they were doing
the same thing to him because eventually, he looks at me and says, “let’s go talk”. Great! that’s
good. He initiated it...but then he’s like, “So James tells me that you wanted to talk to me.” For
Pete’s sake!!! But we moved on from that. And talked about the 3 boys who had a crush on me in
7th grade...then updated each other on our lives from then to now. Cause we used to go to school
together...but I moved...and changed...and he did too. Anyhow, we laughed at each other, he
complained about not being “big enough”. (that’s muscle mass...not what you’re thinking pervert)
I mean...I thought it was going to be a big deal. But it wasn’t. I’ll give you a bit of the paper
journal
I guess we talked. Not about...us (IF there is or ever will be an “us”) just about random stuff. I’m glad he finally said “hey let’s go talk”
I don’t have the balls for that. But the whole night I’m thinking, “hold on...this is wrong. I
shouldn’t be sitting next to this guy...Let alone, even thinking that I might have a chance with
him. I mean, I shouldn’t be talking to him.” He’s sitting there...perfect hair, perfect skin, tan AND
buff, Pretty blue eyes that are highlighted by this light blue wife beater muscle shirt thing...and
me...short haired, long legged, awkward, unworthy freak of nature. I don’t deserve this. And it’s
not the physical thing. Ya, sure. He’s hot. It’s EXTREMELY intimidating. I couldn’t say what I
wanted to. I felt like if I breathed wrong...it could destroy any sort of...anything that had been
there. IF there was anything. He was really open, and honest...but I still feel like I don’t deserve a
guy like that. And I’m sure that mind set is my downfall. We even ended up talking about RULE
#1...the attraction rule. And I was thinking...well first I thought, “Hmm, I wonder if he’s attracted
to me.” THEN it was more like, “am I attracted to him? Of course physically. I mean more than
that. but being with him would be like...being with...i don’t know. Someone famous. Someone
that’s intangible, that you never thought you’d meet, let alone get close to."
So the conversation ends...(not really) the movie ends, and we go back to the fogged up car
containing Goo and James. (don’t ask) and those boys are just as bad as any girls. “So what did
you talk about???” But I dont’ know...I don’t measure up. and I honestly hate saying that. I don’t
think it’s just a matter of self-esteem either. It’s seriously like, “hey this chick is average...and this
guy is ‘quality’. Let’s put them together and see what happens.” I can’t understand why he’s only
gone out with girls who he claims are grade A hoes. His last girlfriend was ghetto...and the one
before that, cheated on him. I’m not at all like anyone he’s ever...ya. So I’m definitely feeling
inadequate, and self-conscience. He’s like -perfect male specimen- and I’m just...Laura. An
unusually kind, caring individual. Lacking the beautiful brown tan, the long blonde hair, and the
perfectly sculpted abs o’ steal...I’m not barbie. That’s the type of girl I imagine him with. Not me.
Even though I’m interested in him. I totally have no idea if he’s interested in me...in any way.
physical or other. and that sucks. I need to weep in a corner now because I blazasted myself too
much. (yes I spelled it like that on purpose. Sound it out. B-L-A-Z-A-S-T-E-D!!!)
”there was a spider or...or a rat crawling up my leg!”
-Andrew jumps out of the car and explains why-
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