Elbows and Exposed Knees...


06-24-03 6:07pm

~face to palm, cheek to cheek and mouth to tongue. Heart to ground say, I am in love. Heart to ground oh, say I am in love.~

So this is a day of viruses. First of all, I stayed up all night. There are several reasons for this. I ran out of smokes...so instead of smoking, I ate a bowl of clam chowda! Then I wanted a cigarette about 100x more. Which sucked...so I found a 24 oz. bottle of Mt. Dew. THAT was probably what kept me up until mom woke up. She does that...sleeps for a few hours then usually wakes up around 2am. Well, I snagged several smokes from her. And she and I sat up talking about...everything. Then my brother joined the conversation. So here are the 3 of us being loud and obnoxious all through the house. I'm surprised we didn't wake up pops. It was quite hilarious. I was rolling on the floor laughing most of the time. Then mom decided to go back to sleep. So I drug Matt out to the boat to watch the sunrise with me. That turned into a fight with the local bats. I had brought a bag of popcorn out with me...and I think they wanted some of its cheesy goodness. Who knows. I don't personally understand the eating habits of bats who circle around a boat at dawn. So ya, I finally came inside and went to bed. Slept until like 3 o'clock this afternoon. I just realized that this whole story has nothing to do with viruses. I have yet to get to that point. I digress.

~This is a conversation with myself.~

So when I woke up very late this afternoon, I was watching some movie on tv with Julia Roberts and Nick Nolte. Have no clue what it's called. But ya, I kept scratching my neck for some reason it itched like a mutha fucka! Once I realized that I'd been unconciously digging at my neck, I checked myself out in the mirror. Then of course, I went to THE MOM for a diagnosis. She's like, "ya, you've got a bit of a rash goin' on there." The only explanation that I can come up with is the fact that I slept in the sweatshirt that I'd put on to face the elements when Matt and I went outside earlier in the morning. I don't know if anyone else has slept in a hooded sweatshirt before but it's not very comfortable all crammed up underneath the back of your head. So at some point in time during my sleep state, I had managed to pull the hood up over my head. Cause I do remember waking up with it on, and my great masses of hair all tangled, sticking out the sides in my face. But that's not what I'm blaming it on. Consequently, the sweatshirt that I was wearing...and I didn't even remember or think about it when I was "ridding myself" of all things Tim. (I never really got rid of anything. Just packed it away.) The sweatshirt in question used to belong to him. I think he gave it to me cause it's dark maroon...like a burgandy color. And as we all know, Tim is anti-color. Captain black as I like to call him. (ok, I just made that up) But ya, I think the part of the sweatshirt around the neckline rubbed up against my skin all night and caused a rash. So, as I am accustomed to do, I'm blaming this skin irritation on Tim. I think it's only justified that from now on, for the rest of my life, anything that goes wrong will be his fault. (I'm just kidding by the way...or am I?) So since I noticed it earlier, it's stopped itching as much and the visible bumpiness has gone down. Shhhhp, why does everything have to be so complicated?

~Think not you can direct the course of love itself directs the course allowed. Think not God is in your heart child but rather you're in the heart of God.~

Which brings us to the 2nd virus of the day. Which originated last night and I kind of blew it off. I had been on-line for a very long time and I was dickin' around on the Jason Mraz message boards. And started to notice that all of the z's had disappeared. I thought it was just a fluke...a glitch maybe. So I ignored it. Then something happened. There was some sort of an error detected in my explorer browser so it closed itself out. Then when I tried to pull it back up, the little boxes in the upper right hand corner were blank. The x was gone and the little maximize and minimize icons were missing. The boxes still worked when I tried to click on them but the icons were gone. Once again, I ignored it. I went about my business on the MB and checked out this awesome link to the launch music site where I found a beautiful video of Mraz playing his version of The Rainbow Connection. A song that is near and dear to my heart because as a child, I had the Muppets version on 8-track. No joke. I remember listening to it when I was little. I asked my mom about it and she concurred. Anyhow, I updated the last post one final time and noticed that certain keys on my keyboard weren't working. Don't know if I mentioned it in the post...I think I did. But I thought to myself...it's probably just because I've had the computer up and running all day and I had downloaded several files from kazaa. So I finished up the post and shut down. No big deal. Well, this afternoon after I watched that movie, I turned it back on to listen to a couple of the songs I had downloaded while doing some crunches. I forgot to put an away message on IM and Ben messaged me like 2 seconds after I had started workin' my hot abs. (HA) But when I tried to message him back, for some reason everytime I typed something I hit a key and it would hi-lite and delete itself. So after retyping everything I tried to say twice, I got pissed off and ended up sending Ben a message that looked a little like this: lakshf;kdahs;lfkh;alisdhf;lakhsf;lkhas;lkdhf;lakshd;lkashd;flkhas;lkdhf;laskdje. So I explained what was going on. (Don't think he believed me...) But I told him I was going to run a virus scan. I ran the first scan and came up with nothing. Then I realized that my scan program was really outdated so I updated it and did it again. That took a half an hour. What did I discover??? Nothing. I updated from a 1,092 virus protection file program to a 64,141 file program, and still came up with zilch. Out of the 10,606 files on my hard drive, NOTHING!!! Not even in kazaa, which is the program that I thought would be riddled with viruses. So ya, that pissed me off even more. Dad came home and I asked him about it. Since he seems to think he knows everything about everything (I beg to differ) But he blamed it all on kazaa. He says it's not a virus but rather it's the fact that kazaa takes up so much room on my hard drive that my memory is running short. Then when I shot down that theory by pulling up my memory details and showing him that I have 52% of my memory still available, he switched it around and said it's because the basic principle of kazaa is that it never disconnects. So there is a constant open portal and therefor hackers, and their viruses can come and go as they please. Personally I think my dad has some sort of vendetta against kazaa and his master plan is to remove it from my general disposal. But I just shook it off and got on-line again to update this and check to see if everything was running okay. Which it seems as though things are back to normal. But I'm still trying to figure out a way to blame this one on Tim.

~drivin' slow on Sunday mornin' and I never want to leave.~

MMmmm, one theory could be the possibility of Tim knowing everything that I've said about him here including the fact that I found both of his profiles on datenation...I figured him out by way of the internet so he thinks I'm going to get him back by ratting him out to his new girlfriend...and so he's attempting to sabotage my personal usage of this computer. Okay, so that's pretty far fetched. And maybe I'm taking this whole Tim thing to extremes. If anyone agrees...I'd just like to state that it's only out of good fun. I get my jollies off of pinning things on the X boyfriend that caused me the most problems. I think psychologically speaking, it's just a form of coping. And it's better than constantly bashing him like I was before. (mostly because I know that I'm just joking) In fact, it's better than most of the methods I used to deal with that situation. Talked about that with my mom last night and she said that she was pretty concerned about that for awhile. Those first couple of weeks after I came back when I was nowhere to be found. Cause I was out all day and night with Laurie trying to sort through my feelings...eventually just resorting to the escape method and drinking/smoking myself into oblivion. I think I've come damn far from that. I haven't really drunk in quite awhile. I haven't smoked like I was smoking since that night that I was so stoned I can barely remember anything. The only proof I have of that night is a poem that I wrote and a testimonial from Jesse. Who I apparently called to keep me awake and alert while driving myself home fried out of my gord. That was over a month ago. Which means I can now sell my plasma! I think that night was an eyeopener for me. I realized once I talked to Jess, and he told me all the gibberish that I was blurting out in the process of burning all of my brain cells, that I was only doing the exact same thing that I ridiculed Tim for. Though he never really listened to me or took what I said as constructive criticism, I used to go on and on about how the only reason he smoked as much as he did was because he had all these self esteem issues that were impairing his ability to find a job. The fact that he didn't have a job and I harped on him for it only made it worse. So he used it as a method of escaping his problems rather than dealing with them. Which like I said, was exactly what I was doing. Once I realized that, I stopped. And now my problem is procrastination. I'm only now understanding the problems that I'm causing myself are only getting worse without a job...and so I've been slowly taking action. Dropping off a resume here and there. Having my dad fax my resume to a couple of companies. It's all gradually getting better. And I'm proud of how well I've dealt with all of it.

~I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show my face around here.~

I've also noticed most recently (and I'm probably repeating myself) that since I've had the ability to move on, I'm trying to force everyone else to. But the reality of that is, just because I'm ready to put things behind me doesn't mean that Kyle is. It doesn't mean that Tim is. So I've been trying to convince them that it's ok and ending up empty handed. I think my clever ideas are running dry anyhow, so I conciously have given up the battle. But just because I lost the battle doesn't mean I haven't won the war. I learn quickly from my mistakes. And I tried everything. I've put myself into every situation that I could possibly think of to "fix" the way I felt. I tried to escape the pain, to subside the pain, to ignore the pain, or even drown it out by replacing it with someone new. Nothing worked...and I'm noticing that both Tim and Kyle have done the same thing. They both happen to be going through the final stages "replacing it with someone new". Jumping head first into these quasi-serious relationships and doing crazy things like example: Kyle now has a tattoo of a script 'N' on his chest (the first letter of his girlfriend's name) While Tim and his new girlfriend decided to get their unmetionables pierced. Maybe I'm totally off base...but I doubt the longevity of these relationships and I hate to say it but they'll both regret it someday. At least for a second or two. Ultimately, I think this makes me the overall champion. And that is reason enough to celebrate and move on without the rabid attempts at enlightening others.

~This love has taken its toll on me. She said goodbye too many times before. Her heart is breakin' in front of me and I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore. This love has taken it's toll on me. She said goodbye too many times before and my heart is breakin' in front of me. And I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore.~

What a mouthful! How was that for tapping into my vocabulary? Damn, I haven't used a lot of those words in a very long time. Not only was it a great outlet for my skills...it was refreshing to get all of that off of my chest. *sigh* I'd just like to state that I accidentally got a pack of full flavor Basics instead of my usual lights which are MUCH smoother...and I've been choking them down left and right. It's so disgusting. That's it, I QUIT! (sure that's believable) Ok, well, I'm done with this now. There's nothing left to say. I hope all of you unknown readers enjoyed this page full of honesty and rambling. You should really tell me what you thought of it. Be sneaky like me and create a fake e-mail so I'll never know who you are. If your identity is so importantly kept secret for a reason. Go for it. That's what I would do. Later!

~I'm losing you. I'm losing all control. Just let me be...just let me be alone for now.~

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Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com