The Things I've Done Are Way Too Shameful...


06-23-03

~I try to laugh but cry instead. Patiently wait for words you never said...~

BLAST IT ALL! I'm jumping the gun. It's still the 22nd. But dagonnit! Ok, so in my sleepiness last night I also conjured up some sneakiness. If you didn't notice, I put a hit counter on the bottom of the last journal post. Who in the sam hill is reading this! (laughs) Seriously, I want to know. I hit that entry twice to make sure the counter was working. Now it's up to 6?! That's 4, count it with me now. 4 readers...unknown. Possibly someone hit it more than once. But for cryin' out loud people, I wanna know who! I know most of the people who have the url to my site. I gave it to them. But I've also posted it on my message board signatures. So there could be countless unknowns reading my filth. Don't be embarassed. I know you're out there. I know you like to spy on me (ok, I was being sarcastic there) I also know that as humans, we have a tendency to get our kicks out of voyeurism. Which is a lot of the reason why I've kept up with the journal for so long. If you can't get it from reality tv, why not read about all the quirks and mishaps of my life. Or anyone else who posts an on-line webjournal. It's my own fault for plastering the web with my pointless banter. But dammit! You might as well come and peep through my bedroom window. (that wasn't an offer. It was a joke) I'd just like to have an idea of the people who take the time to actually come here. Plus I'd like to know how many of my X-boyfriends come here and read all about how choked up I am over them. (HA!) It's true.

~You're all I need. You're all I see. Come and rest your bones with me.~

Speaking of the lovely list of ex's...I still haven't received a reply from the e-mail I sent to Tim. Not suprising. I didn't expect it. I was trying to be nice. Am I not allowed to do that? I know we've had our differences. I know he's said things to me before that should make me want to never speak to him again. I'm sure I've done the same to him. But I thought we were past that. I dunno. Maybe secretly, he thinks that his new girlfriend will never compare to how great I was. And he wishes he could have me back. Maybe that's why he would rather avoid talking to me. Because it hurts so much to think of what he really could have had. MAYBE I'm blowing smoke up my own ass. I agree with the latter. I think I'm on a sugarbuzz from all these little Jolly Ranchers I've been popping like pills. Hey, I forgot to mention in the last entry that I had another of what I'm now calling my "post-Tim experiences" at the John Reuben show last night. We were all chillin' on the blanket and suddenly I smelled him. I'm sure it was just some guy who wears the same cologne. (which for the life of me I can't remember what it was. Tommy? no...Curve was James...I don't know how I can remember the cologne that James wore and not Tim's. Hmm, cause he had it in his car maybe and ALL of his friends wore the same scent.) Right. But I sniffed Rob and I sniffed at the air attempting to locate where the smell was wafting from. No luck. I don't know. I guess it's just strange to smell that smell and somewhere in the back of my head think, "what if he's right behind you." Although that obviously wasn't true. It must be either a chick thing or maybe just a me thing. I'm a weirdo Lord knows. I hope he's one of the many who reads this. Honestly I do. So he'll think, "damn, she's more psychotic than what I thought." mmm Just had the damndest memory flash back into my head. deedeleedeedeleedeedelee (<- Wayne's World if you didn't catch that) I remembered how it felt the night that he drove out here from CT to visit me. I thought he was coming the next day, but he surprised me the night before. He called my cell as I was getting off of work. I was just getting ready to leave. He's like, "so what's up?" And I was like, "oh nothing. We're just headed out the door." And he says, "oh ya, do you see me?" He was waiting outside...and I screamed like a little girl. Dropped everything that was in my hands and ran for him. That's how excited and in love with him that I was. He was crazy in love and romantic as hell. THAT'S the Tim that I choose to remember and cherish. How's that for ya Timmy? Not as much of a bitch as you thought I was huh? I sure hope you're reading this. Maybe you'd e-mail me back.

~This is a conversation with myself. Said it's a calming conversation with only myself. It's a conversation with myself. It's ok to dance around it. Have it your way. It's ok to laugh about it oh for goodness sake. Don't believe in anything that's keepin' you away.~

I like to quote songs that I'm listening to while typing away. If you didn't notice. Often times, they have something to do with what I'm talking about. Note the above lyric from a Jason Mraz song. Take it for what you will. But the song is actually about masturbation I do believe. But that part could be mistaken for just about anything. Which is why I only use a line or two usually describing what I'm feeling. No, I'm not feeling the need to masturbate. (laughs) But it feels like I'm talking to myself here. i.e. "conversation with myself". (another reason why the readers should fess up dammit!) I was noticing earlier while sunbathing once again, that it's hard for me to do anything in silence. There's always got to be some background noise. The tv...or radio. I had to play the radio while I was outside wasting time in the sun. I couldn't just lay there in silence. But once again, maybe I'm just a weirdo and maybe that's just me.

~Love is love sufficient unto love and you can figure out the rest.~

I was watching this Avril Lavigne thing on ABC earlier. I don't know why. Nothing else on...and it made me cry. Her grandfather died while she was on tour the night of a big show. And she went on and did an accoustic version of one of her songs. She broke down in the middle crying. It was very heartfelt. Sometimes I can't stand that girl. Sometimes I want to be her big sister. Eh, whatever. I also watched Hope Floats. That also made me cry. For some reason I was in a bawlbaby mood. Then I watched this made for tv movie called This Time Around. Something about this girl who was picked on in elementary school by a boy that she liked and ended up switching schools because of him. Then 10 odd years down the road, she runs into him again. He thinks she's hot and doesn't recognize her so she decides to make him fall in love with her and then break his heart. But you guessed it, along the way, she falls in love with him and they live happily ever after. Part of me wants to say, "aw, cute story". But then the other part wants to say, "ew, that's so ridiculous". If only something so dorky and cheeseball could happen to me. I hate television.

~You're about to get cut up or get cut down...better shut up or get shot down.~

So, ya, that was my lovely day. So exhausting! riiiight. Didn't end up riding bikes with the bro. We both forgot. I got so caught up in the programming that I just sat here all day. Which is a good thing in a way. I haven't gotten any big plan phone calls. So I won't be going out tonight. (I seriously need to learn how to say no.) Which means I'll be plenty rested up for yes, you know what I'm about to say. Job hunting!!! I'm actually kind of excited about it. I need to get out of the house. I need new people and new places. I need other things to think about. Oh, I need to pay my bills. That would be a good idea too. Well, since it's just about midnight, I'm going to post and sleep. I'll probably update this specific post again later. Since I got ahead of myself. (too many late nights) I'll have all kinds of great job news (crossing my fingers and toes) and it'll be too early to post for the 24th. Sheesh. So check back with this again. Just to recap, all of the above that I mentioned actually happened on the 22nd. Sunday. But I'm posting it as Monday the 23rd because I jumped the gun and posted all of yesterday's information as the 22nd when it really happened on the Saturday the 21st. Does that make sense? Didn't think so. Just check this post again later for an extention.

~I won't worry my life away... Heeey ohhh no. When I fall in love, I take my time. No need to hurry when I'm makin' up my mind...~

3:58pm
I truly do not understand what's up with Tim. He's on IM right now. I messaged him and he hasn't replied. I'm sure in a few minutes, the little door shutting noise will come on and he'll get off the internet. Still no reply to my e-mail...he's being rude. At least I had the decency to be nice. Oh, and this entry has been hit once by someone other than myself. So...I'm starting to wonder if it really is him reading up on my life. SO, job news. I had an interview today. Some ad in the paper that said something like, "Looking for motivated sales people. Hiring 18-25 guys and gals looking to travel and see the US." Right, so I called the number just to see what it was all about. And the guy made it sound like it was a company selling ads to big magazines. Well, I set up this interview and talk to the guy...turns out it's just a door to door commision based co-pay living expenses job. You make hardly any money unless you're out pounding the streets and pawning off magazine subscriptions to poor unsuspecting people. LAME! He's like, "well, I'll call you by Wednesday and let you know if you're a candidate." I couldn't just say, "uh, I don't think that's what I'm looking for." So now I have to make up a suckass excuse for when he calls me. And I'm sure he will. By the way he made it sound, most of the people that he'd interviewed so far were your typical Lima dumbasses. Go figure right! Anyhow, I also dropped off a resume at Family Video. The sign said they were looking for management. So I went in and asked if they had filled the position yet. They said, "which one?" So apparently, they're looking for a lot of help. I'm crossing my fingers on that one. Even if it's only like part time I'll take it. I need to pay the bills ya'll.

~These foolish games we play they make me melt away to nothing. Oh nothing at all.~

So, haha Tim just logged off as I predicted. First I said "hey did you get my e-mail?" No response. "hey, if you don't want to talk to me, all you have to do is tell me and I'll discontinue my attempts." No response. "ok, you know that involves a response right. You could say, 'hey laura, leave me alone' or 'hey laura, 'i don't want to talk to you.' You could even just reply with one of these nifty emoticons (place the smiley face with a mean look here) And if this isn't Tim, you could say, 'hey laura, this isn't Tim.' (place the smiling smiley face here)" Ya, 2 minutes later he logged off. HELLO! Would it kill people to be nice for once? I'm nice, so I expect to be treated the same. There's nothing wrong with talking to your X. I think it's healthy. So SUE me!!!! For fuck's sake! He still hasn't sent me my crap. I'd appreciate knowing what was up with that too. This is irritating me seriously. So I'm done now. With my ranting and raving.

~All in all it's unlikely. All in all it's unlikely we'll succeed. I've developed a lovely distaste for your heart on my sleeve.~

10:44pm
I don't know what's up with my computer. I think I may have a virus which is not permitting the use of a few of my number keys??? I don't know. It's queer. But...I had something to say right? Yes, as I am updating this same post for the millionth time. I'M OUT OF CIGARETTES! Ok, so that wasn't the point. (sugarbuzz again) Uh, what was the point? Oh, I've been e-mailing today. I mailed Tim requesting that he stop ignoring me and message me back. And I gave him a link to the lovely poem that I wrote about him which you can see HERE. It's definately been a time of writing and reminding myself why I am who I am. It's been helpful to write about people personally. So I know...and everyone else knows specifically who it is that I'm writing about. No more vagueness about the subjects of my poetry. Although, if you take away the title...it could be about anyone. But, that's the truth. I wrote it today after being ignored on IM. Speaking of that boy...I was poking around on datenation earlier (this would be the matchmaker site that I caught his ass on with a profile and everything...and one of the reasons why I finally broke it off with him) Well as we all know (and laugh about) I created a fake profile on that site to catch him. And sent a message to the mediator to delete his profile. (ok, so I was a little psycho about the whole thing then. But dammit, I was justified.) So I was checking up on my profile...to see if it was still active. I thought it was only a free month trial period and then you have to pay to be a member. I was wrong. It's still there. And there were like 8 billion messages for this girl that I created. Thought that was pretty funny. Well, as I was poking around, I found Tim's old username, alblack, that I'd saved in my "little black book" and my curiosity got the best of me. I ran a search including words that I thought described Tim. And sure enough, guess what I find. That turd created another profile after I had his first one deleted. haha, it was pretty funny though. I laughed for like 5 minutes. I even showed it to my mom. THAT'S how funny it was. It's pretty old, I don't know how long ago he posted it. How come I always seem to figure these things out though? Clever? I am. And skilled with a computer (sometimes). I'm bored. So I'm done now.

~something like I apologize. Something I still can't decide.~

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