I've smoked too much and said too little...


06-21-03 12:50am

~Well if you gots the poison, I gots the remedy.~

What a day oh yes it was. A day of planning, a day of passion, a day of nothing at all. I feel a little philisophical so bear with me here. I classed up my resume this afternoon. What a chore. How many ways can you describe a retail job that you had at one point in time and left because a: you hated it b: you just had to go? Let's see, 3. Three oh, 3 is the magic number. I had a fascinating time. True story. But I did quite a number on that resume. It's all fancy now with a corner border and some line breaks. WOW! Hopefully someone will take notice of my effort and offer me another lame ass job. It's tedious. I'm sick of it. I just want to throw in the towel and say, "fuck it all". I've had enough of your 9 to 5. Your unorganized corporate bullshite....it drives me insane. But so many things do these days.

~I think I should go, the things I've done are way too shameful.~

Hmm, last night...was such a waste of time and effort. And I need to stop contradicting myself and just CUT PEOPLE OFF like I claim I'm going to do. *sigh* But it's hard to do when there's no love for me. I'm single...and that's so hard anymore. I'm not used to it. I'm not happy with sleeping alone. I miss the cuddle...I miss the spoon. I miss being happy and comfortable. But! What can you do? I mentioned the spoon the other day to Rob...so he of course, tries to spoon me. But that's just not...the spoon that I'm looking for. Tonight in a discussion with Laurie and Nicole about my bills being late...and my car payment coming up soon...they suggested I give Rob some nookie so he'll pay my bills. That's just the grossest display of golddiggerism that I've ever heard of. (like how I make up words?) Rob is one of the few guy friends I have who is cool with just being a friend. For some reason I know that in the back of the rest of their minds all of them are thinking or have thought about hooking up with me. Who knows...maybe Rob has too. But NO! It's just not kosher with me. (and I'm Jewish all of a sudden). Since he has no meat on his bones whatsoever...I knew that. But didn't realize just how skinny the boy was until I punched him in the knee the other night. I fucked up my right pinky big time. It's all swollen and bruised at the base knuckle. I should take a picture of it. I've never punched someone hard enough to leave a contusion on them let alone me. But it felt good. Makes me think back to the days when Tim and Thad tried to reenact Fight Club. Tim said it was an excellent release to bust someone really good. So they would hit each other really hard and then laugh. Tim gave Thad a black eye once. We were standing in the parking lot of the gas station that Tim worked at (for a short time) and Thad was like, "hit me timmy! gimme a black eye! c'mon! c'mon! hehehe" He took like 3 huge swigs of a bottle of Jack that he kept in his back seat before Tim hit him then WHAMMO! I bet that hurt like hell. But yes, I now understand how much of a release it is. Although I can't bend my finger in certain ways without much soreness. It still felt good.

~and I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore.~

Speaking of Timmy, I was on-line the other day and his name came up on my AIM. So I messaged him something like, "hey what's up???" and he never replied. That kinda made me sad. It seemed like we were cool the last time I spoke with him. (refer to the "getting our shit pierced" conversation) I came home earlier from Laurie's and found a message from him on my IM. I had left an away message. "I'm out chillin' like ice cream fillin'" and he said something like, "is this laura?". No...it's freakin' ghandi! Maybe it wasn't him. It could have been anyone on his computer. His ma, or pa, or one of his friends goofin' off on-line. I don't know. But I sent him an e-mail. Probably won't ever get a reply. Here we go again with the CT stories. I should start a new journal with just those. Anyhow, I was driving home flipping through radio stations the other night and heard this Taproot song. It took me back to riding around CT with Tim and Nicky. The two of them singing at the top of their lungs. That cracked me up. See, there were good times. I just like to over analyze the bad ones. It's my nature. But ya, I've been thinking about that a lot today. Well, ever since I got that IM. I was listing all of the songs in my head that remind me of my stint on the East Coast. I thought about making an East Coast soundtrack. But some of them are hard to listen to. Like, I Miss You...It was one of my favorite Incubus tunes. Tim learned it for me and would play it on his accoustic while I sang along. I would turn up Just a Phase in the car and sing to him. That's a hard one to hear now too. Right before I left CT, I bought Christina and Avril's albums...and I when I was upset...or pissed off at Tim, I would drive around and listen to Beautiful and that Damn Cold Night song. And sing along and bawl. So I can't listen to either of those anymore. Everytime I hear Ozzy or Metallica on the radio I change stations. But then, there are some songs that I really missed listening to. Like a couple of Stone Sour's and Acid Bath. I find myself reminded of him...of us at the strangest times. Last night I was watching a rerun of Conan with Ben...and there was a snowboarder who wanted to board down Mt. Everest. All I could think of was snowboarding with Tim in the backyard and falling on my ass. Those were good times. And I accepted our demise a long time ago...but I DO miss him sometimes. I do. It's hard for me to think that he and I had so much at one point in time. It's hard to think about how much I really did love him. It's hard to remember all of the hurtful things we did to each other. And this is making me want to cry now. Which is why I try not to think about it.

~Something like, I apoligize. Something I still can't decide. But I know it gets better. It only gets better. And I'm one to say that it's not always easy but it's simple that way. And I'm one to stay and play it out. But I still have my doubts. And you say it gets better. shit. It only gets better.~

Mama told me that I look good today. She said, "damn girl, how'd you get so cute?" HA! She cracks my ass up. So I said, "well I came from you." Hee hee. That's what I needed to think of. And smoke uncontrollably through this whole post. Ugh...I bought a bunch of hard candy the other day to keep from smoking...and instead, I'm eating the candy and smoking at the same time. That makes so much sense. Hmm, guess I could find other things to do. I can check the classifieds again. That'll be a HOOT!

~I could lose my heart tonight. If you don't turn and walk away. Cause the way I feel I might lose control and let you stay. Cause I could, take you in my arms and never let go. I could fall in love with you...~

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