06-20-00 Tuesday

~cause all I think about is your hands, your face and all these lonely nights~

Sorry if I neglected to tell everyone that I wouln't be home...but I'm here right now. Not for long though. Our plumbing is shot. So we're staying in a hotel/motel down the street and around the corner. *sigh* and I figured out the whole situation with James. I called him last night...regretfully. I wish I hadn't.

~then I hear myself reply, you've got to hold it in. This time tonight.~

So I called him. He and Goo were chillin. They had plans to go up to Goo's trailer on the lake. Once James explained the freeak accident from the night before...and I had time to dwell a bit more...then move on, they invited me to go to the lake with them. That was great. I REALLY wanted out of that hotel room. and...not to mention that I love hanging out with those boys. (they happen to be my friends.) Anyhow, they had been looking for people to go with them for awhile. Unsuccessfully. So...being the...oppurtunity lover that I am...I noticed a chance to hang with Andrew. So I suggested that we invite him. I guess he had to work until 10:30...James said. and then both he and Goo jumped on my case. Suddenly, I'm this BAD person who's using the oppurtunity...and I guess abusing my friendship with James. Because I suggested that Andrew come too. Goo's like, "It would be kinda pointless to wait until 10:30 for Andrew then drive 45 minutes to the lake, then 45 minutes back because you (you=me) has to be back by 1am." Ya. It is pretty dumb. They were going to stay the night there...and there was NO way I could have. So I then suggested that we go back to my house and watch a movie or something instead of them going straight to tha lake. They could go later or something. THAT made Goo mad. It seems as though he had a REASON to go to the lake. I could hear him in the background talkting to James "I want to go to the lake and use that stuff that's in my bookbag" I asked James, "what stuff???" and he's like, "food or something" THAT pissed me off. because then I heard Goo say what it REALLY was. He lied to me. Not only was he absolutely rude on the phone, but he lied AND accused me of doing something I wasn't. (Not purposefully)

STRIKE 3



I am disappointed. Ya, I'm mad. Ya, I'm frustrated. But I'm more disappointed than anything else.I wish they hadn't gone. I found myself mad at...myself last night because I couldn't stop them. I didn't have my car, and I couldn't do anything about it. That's the worst feeling. helplessness. I am SO frustrated with them. Mostly James (because he was the one I was talking to) and I know they have more sense in their heads. I mean, between the two of them...they know better. and honestly. If that was their intention. They shouldn't have told me. Because now I feel like I should look down on them. I don't want to. But I don't want them to think it's ok to treat me like poo and hurt themselves with stupid things that just shouldn't be...around for them to abuse. Ugh! Next time I see either one...I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't let this go any longer. I'm so mad at them. And I tried to explain that to James. But he doesn't seem to care. Whenever I try to confront him about things, he ignores me or changes the subject. Which makes me even more pissed off. It's like...I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Because I wouldn't have asked him to say anything to Andrew if he hadn't offered. I didn't know it bothered him. He never told me that. and still hasn't...I'm just assuming. He's the one who's like, "I'm gonna hook you two up." and I was questioning the whole thing because it's wrong. I mean...James is my ex-boyfriend...and he's trying to hook me up with his cousin (who is extremely close to him) WHY??? Why do things have to be screwed up like that. Why does he have to be rude. I was so close to tears when I got off the phone. But I held them back because my brother was sitting there looking at me. I feel the need to be strong around him. It's funny. (not really) but The whole time I went out with James, he never made me cry. Not until I broke up with him. I cried AFTER I got off the phone (yes, I know...we broke up over the phone) but it wasn't because of James. It was because I felt like crap. It was a stupid excuse. Because of Dan. and I went back and read my paper journal from when it happened. and it was so generic. Because of Dan, and because the realationship was NOT at all what I wanted. Sometimes I think I might have never gone out with him at all. If Leigh hadn't jumped into the situation...if I didn't feel like it was a competition. I said once in my journal (during the relationship) that I would have been satisfied with just being his friend. And THAT makes me feel bad. Especially now that he thinks I'm using him to get to Andrew. Because I'm not. If I could go back, I wouldn't have said anything to him about it. Then he wouldn't have offered to "hook us up". I think, even though I KNOW that I didn't use James, him accusing me of it makes me feel like I did. I don't want to be rude to him. But he's made me feel like dirt these past few days. I know I have to talk to him. I also need to talk to Goo. But I don't want to. I'm too bitter right now.

~Silence is not the way we need to talk about it~

*sigh* Once this plumbing is fixed...And they put the dirt back in the huge hole in the front yard...And I get a job...(Hopefully Kim will call) I just need God. *sigh* I keep saying this to myself. I don't need James when he's like this. I don't need stupidity. I just need God. When I get an answering machine 4 times (I called Nicole, Kir, Laurie, and Tyler and got the machine at all 4 houses) I shouldn't get frustrated, I should just sit down and realize that I just need God. But right now, I need Wee Wee. (and I think God understands that) So I'm going to call Tyler's. (she's there right now)

~Everytime I see you, it's like I feel this way. It makes me wonder, if I'm ever gonna feel this way again. There's a picture that's hanging in the back of my head. Say it over and over again. I wanna hold and love you in my arms and then I wanna need you cause I need to be with you 'til the end.~

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