06-01-01 Friday

~I've been meaning to call you. I've just been so busy.~

Hey...remember how I always used to start entries on Friday nights. It's Friday night, and of course, I'm home, alone...with no plans. And nothing better to do than update. I haven't updated for quite awhile. So it's hard to remember what the last thing I wrote about was...so I won't even try and catch up. Too much happens in a day let alone 2 weeks. Recently...let's see, what important things have occured? All my friends who were off at college came home. (most of them) That's exciting news. Even though I still rarely see any of them. Cause I've still had school. This was my last actual week of classes. But I still have to go on Sunday and sing for graduation...then Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon, I have finals. But I'm not so worried about those. So...last words about my first year of college. Sometimes it sucked...sometimes it didn't. I made new friends...lost some...gained some more. It was high school...only without stupid rules. I kind of regret not leaving for school. I wish I'd had the balls to go away. Now mainly because I can't stand being in this house. I can't stand living here. You grow out of things...like training wheels and underwear. And I've definitely grown out of this house. But now that I have the balls to go...I have to stay. Because I don't have the money to go. Because Kyle is here (even though I think we could make it) Because I don't have a car that's dependable enough to get me to a school far away. (and back on weekends) That's the new controversy here in my world. There always has to be a reason to fight. And right now, it's because my car is crap. It has 181,000 miles on the engine. It makes this terrible knocking sound. And stalls out and dies randomly. So I mentioned getting something else to my mother. (I obviously don't have the funds...I work minimum wage and can't even pay for insurance.) She said she'd think about it. Which means she'll talk to dad about it. He said no. Then all of a sudden, he needs a new car. He HAS to have a new car because his mileage is high. And he drives to Celina everyday. Blah blah. BAM! He's got a new car. He had a frickin' almost brand new Stealth. 118,000 miles on it. Not a scratch. Ran fine. And HE gets a new car. This is what my mom says, "I drove junk until I was 30 some years old. Why should you have a nice car?" It's not my fault she drove junk. It's all my dad would buy for her. Because when it comes to cars around here, he's the resident expert. So no one is allowed to drive anything but a Dodge. And I'm not allowed to have a nice car that runs decently because they didn't ahve nice cars until they were older and could get them for themselves. So instead, he'd rather buy me crap, and have it break down constantly so he can fix it and complain about that. Or put it off for months before even considering going out to see what the problem is. It's made that knocking noise since I've had it. (almost a year) He just finally fixed the oil leak...when I'd been leaving big oil stains everywhere for 2 months. And before that, it was a cracked radiator. It's falling apart. And I don't need a new car. HE does. Bullshit.

~This is where I say I've had enough and no one should ever feel the way that I do now. A walking open wound. A trophy display of bruises and I don't believe that I'm getting any better.~

Hmm, I'm so bored. I'm a college kid. I've been struggling with this the past few weeks. I'm a big girl. I should have things to do. People to do them with. Friends...that call me. To go out and do new and exciting things that I could never do in high school. Yet...that never happens. Because either I'm with Kyle...who has to be home...at a reasonable time. Or I'm at work and don't get home until 10 anyway. Or I'm asleep...I'm tired of being lame. I feel like a big loser. I could always go to the Vortex. Ya. And hang out with all those losers. I could call someone. But I won't. I'll sit here, finish my update, maybe eat...I doubt that. Wait for Kyle to call when he gets off of work, then go to bed. So I can get up bright and early for work tomorrow. I'm a loser. I could clean my room. (ya, that made me feel better.) Or I could go watch tv. (Even better) Ugh. This is frustrating.

~Wandering this house like I've never wanted out and this is about as social as I get now.~

I could really go for an intelligent conversation right now. Or some ice cream. A big soft serve vanilla cone. Or maybe a reese's blizzard. But that won't happen. Cause it's 7:30. Too late to go out now. Too late to call someone...cause everyone has plans for their Friday nights by now. I don't want the pizza that my dad is offering to order for us. That's all he ever eats. Boring. Have I ever mentioned how boring the food around here always is. Because no one in my family has good taste in food. They eat the boring cheeseburgers...and pizza 24/7. That's why I'm so poor. I eat out ALL the time. I really have no money right now. Not until next Friday. Unless I want to dip into the cash I've been attempting to save for Columbus (I may just back out of that yet). I'll have to take at least five for the show tomorrow night. Oh boy...hard core show. Screaming Ben...and a bunch of people I used to associate myself with. And the younger version of what we began to create. The next generation. Sad to say that my boyfriend is one of them. I'm not ashamed. I'm actually TOO satisfied with my boyfriend. I worry myself. Because he's my best-friend...my boyfriend...practically the only person I talk to. Sometimes I feel like I say too much. Or is it because he says too little? I don't know. I wish he'd tell me more. I wish he didn't regret the past few years so he'd be more inclined to tell me about them. I kind of felt weird when Nati came in the store tonight. One of my old friends...I gave him a huge hug. And Kyle had never met him before. He just stood there. So I introduced them. but he still didn't really seem interested. That's another thing...I don't really know very many of his friends. I know Kasey. And Travis. And a few that aren't really cloose friends like Matt, and Brent, and Ray...He never really hangs out with anybody. (but me and my friends) which worries me. But then again...I think that it sets him apart from high school...and causes me to see him as older maybe. Because there aren't a bunch of high school boys around all the time. Maybe...I don't know. I'm jumping...not quite to conclusions. But I'm jumping. Hell, I can't even get along properly with his family. How am I supposed to get along with his friends?

~Well, you'd like to think that you were invincible. Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time. Well this is the last time.~

I think I suck. haha. That's entertaining. But I do right now. I feel very down and it's not good. I know that much. I'm upset about the car thing. Because I was under the impression that I was getting a new one (mom's fault) and my dad's totally vetoed that plan. He's nothing but a pain in my ass. The first thing he said to me when I got off the phone with my mother. "What's your problem now?" I'm sure I've said this before. But this seems to be the only thing my dad ever says to me. His famous lines.
~"What's your problem?"
~"What did I do now?"
It's pathetic. And I'm tired of hearing him say that. Extremely. I'm tired of getting my heart set on something (that purple Saturn) and then having it stomped upon. I'm tired of trying too hard to make Kyle happy. (and his family...but that's virtually impossible) I'm tired of being tired of things. And Have I said I hate updating this webpage? It just feels like a chore. I used to love it. Once. Now I sound like I just stepped out of some cliche teenage angst movie. No longer acceptable. I'm almost 20. God that's frightening. And I still live with my parents. I scream loser. This is helping my attitude right now. SO anyhow, it's on to the daunting task of finding something better to do. That's what life is all about though right? Finding something better.

~And this bitter pill is leaving you with such an awful mouth. One that's void of all discretion such an awful tearing sound. With its measure only equaled by the power of my stare glaring over you and over you this feeling of despair is never wearing out.~

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