06-18-00 Sunday *Fathers Day*


~Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort.~

*sigh* I must say, I know what it means to have a really bad day. I didn't wake up and say, "Hey! I think I'm gonna be a bitch today." I woke up thinking, "Hey! I've got a lot to do today. and I'm ready for it. I'm ready for some good fun." But that of course is NOT how the day went.

~Would it be wrong, would it be right if I took my own life tonight...~

No...I'm not close to suicide. I've been listening to Papa Roach. It's good -mad- music. Yes. MAD! I got up this morning and showered...I got dressed, and even put make-up on. I called Alanna because we had made plans yesterday. She was going shopping until 1:30, then we were supposed to do something. I'd also talked to James. He and Andrew made plans to do something today too. So we thought it would be cool if ALL of us got together and just chilled. PLUS...James had talked to Andrew about...well ya. and he said that it seemed like Andrew was all for it. (it = him and I going out some time.) So everything was cool right??? Well, I call Alanna and she's not feeling well. She didn't go shopping, and she decided not to do anything today. I understand. THAT is one thing I do understand. Then she asked me to call Dan again...I wasn't too happy with that idea. I'm tired of Dan. and I'm tired of calling Dan. But I called to be SUPER SPY and get some information for Alanna. The line was busy. In fact, I called multiple times, and the line was busy. So I called James. I guess he didn't go work out with Andrew at the Y like they always do. Andrew went alone. and James was just chillin' at home. He said that he was out late...and tired...and...ya. Then he informed me of this thing that he had to do at the church tonight. OK. That's fine. That's another thing I can understand. I'm the last person to keep someone from church. So he's like that will be over by 7, and we're all meeting at my house. (I'm not sure who we all are...) He's like you're more than welcome to come if you want. Ok, I was a little frustrated at this point. I mean, I had planned on actually doing something TODAY. By this time, it's 4pm. and he wants me to wait until 7 to do something. FINE. That was fine. He PROMISED that he'd call me at 7 when he got home. I told him to write it down somewhere. Like on his hand so he'll remember. But he didn't. I said, "James, you won't remember." but he's like, "YES! I will." FINE. that's fine. So I got off the phone and tried to entertain myself for 3 hours. I went to the mall and turned in the application that Kim MADE me take yesterday when I saw her. I went to the book store...and found a good book of poetry. Then I came home...and read the whole book. (it wasn't very big. but it was good.) I went to the store with my mom to get food. I ate...I fixed my make-up...looked at the clock. 7:00pm. I read over the poetry again. Looked over some of my poetry. Looked at the clock again, 7:35pm. So I called his house. Ginger (his mom) answers..."is James there?"
"no. can I take a message?"
"uh, just tell him that Laura called."
"ok, well, he -was- here. for a minute. He left just a little bit ago."
"ok, thanks."
He FORGOT to call me. Either that or just decided not to. Maybe he thought, "Man! She's in a bitchy mood today. I'm not calling her back." Now I'm jumping to conclusions. But it really pisses me off. I don't want to be mad. I don't want to be bitter. But I sure am. I waited ALL day to do something. and then POOF! nothing.

~Silence is not the way. We need to talk about it. If Heaven is all the way...~

I've been absolutely rude to everyone today. I've taken it out on my mom, my brother, and even myself. I cried. Because I was so mad. I cried because I'm tired of everything getting screwed up. I'm tired of plans being ruined. Especially those that I've looked forward to. *sigh* I was mad. After Ginger told me that he'd left without calling. I was pissed. I turned off the lights in my room, and I put on my headphones, cranked Stabbing Westward, and flung myself onto my bed. It was straight out of a cheesy 80's movie. Teen gets mad...teen slams door...teen turns up loud obnoxious music...then teen wallows in self pity. And that's exactly what it was. Selfish. I have been so selfish lately. I want things to go the way they're planned. I want people to respect their promises. I want this guy to be interested in me. I want people not to be dumb and think about things before they say them. *sigh* But I NEVER get what I want.

~I fell in love with a baked potato. That's when I started to dance...in France~

So now I feel...better...calm...tired. Still a little bitter. But I washed my hair, and cleaned my face, ate some doritos and watched some TV. I do enjoy the new Real World cast. Interesting...and I also enjoy cartoons. They always help after a good beating. (I consider today a pretty brutal beat down on the ego) I got spanked. But like I said, I'm better now. and hopefully by the time I talk to James, I will have silenced the voice in the back of my head. "James must be punished" ok, that was a joke. I really don't have multiple personalities. Do I??? No you don't. (another joke...haha funny. get it. sorry, dry humor) right. I'm pleased with the fact that I held it in. And I didn't go crazy on anyone. Not too crazy. And I apologized to mommy for being mean. and I'm working on my brother. He'll be up watching the cartoon network for awhile...So I'll squeeze him in.

~If at first you don't succeed dust yourself off and try again.~

Beyond all of this, I went shopping with Jen yesterday. She bought...snake print pants! THAT is why I love Jen. We had fun. She gave me my graduation present. I love books. So it was VERY appropriate. Thank You Jen. Then I went to Nicole's and we watched ancient music videos. (ok, they were like early 90's) but very awesome. It was like, Bon Jovi, Def Leopard, Poison, Slaughter...then...the best of all. Talk about takin' me back. Nelson...After the Rain...I loved Nelson. Those were two very fine boys. (who are like 30-40 now) Long blonde hair and guitars definitely turn me on. and since they're twins...it's like...BONUS! Hmmm. So it's off to bed for me. I'm tired.

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