Nothing left to say to you...


06-17-03

~I'm full of regrets for all the things that I have done and said and I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show my face around here sometimes I wonder if I disappear would you ever turn your head and look...see if I'm gone. Cause I fear that there is nothing left to say to you that you wanna hear...~

Who's got a gun??? Seriously. (ok, maybe not. But man, pretending to shoot myself in the head with my fingers isn't working anymore.) I am in a terrible mood once again. It just doesn't stop. I thought a nice trip over to Laurie's would be cool tonight. I'll begin the story where it started yesterday during a conversation with Rob. I flat out told him that I know that AJ would never even think about a "relationship" with me. I listed several reasons. I know that AJ is a good Christian boy. I don't know about his past relationships or whatever. Because I never really paid that much attention. So here are the reasons. #1 I don't go to church anymore. There are good reasons for that. I had a bit of a fallout with the church that I was going to. People were too uptight. No one believed my side of the story and they made it seem like I was totally at fault when there were other parties involved. That was quite a few years ago. But it caused me to lose faith in all of the people who were supposed to be my backbone. I was taught at that very church that no matter what, I would always be able to fall back on my Christian friends. So when they all turned their backs on me, I did the same to that church. I hope they're happy to know that because of them I no longer believe that you need other people to believe in God. I have my own beliefs. I do believe in God. I do believe in heaven and hell but I also believe in free will and forgiveness. I don't think I've done anything so ridiculous in my life that I would be condemned to hell. I have faith in myself. #2 I smoke. Yes, forgive me but I smoke a pack a day. It's a disgusting habit and I wouldn't reccommend it for anyone else. I am fully aware of all the health risks and I've accepted the fact that the majority of my family that have passed away did so because of different types of cancer mostly caused by smoking and or drinking. (I just lit up another) In fact, both of my parents smoke. I used to yell at them for it too. My father has cancer. It's currently under control, but I know that eventually, he will also die from it. #3 I am not a virgin. Big surprise there. After dating Kyle for as long as I did, I came to the conclusion that sex wasn't necessarily a sin out of wedlock. If you are in love with someone enough to share that with them then go for it. I don't agree with little teenagers going around and being stupid about it. You definately have to be responsible and you have to actually understand what love really is. It's just a word people. It can be easily misused and confused for other things. I am very sad that it never happened for Kyle and I. Because at one point, that love was there. But people change and move on. So when it did happen for me during the process of change...even at 20 years old, I was confused. I regret how it happened. I wish I had thought about it more. But a mistake is a mistake and you can either learn from it or repeat it. I ended up repeating that mistake several times before learning my lesson. Though at one point in time, I was in love with Tim. I thought that he would be the only person that I would ever share that experience with. But like I just said, people change and move on. So sue me. I'm not a virgin. That doesn't make me a slut. But still, those are the reasons that I know and understand why AJ would not go for someone like me. There could be others. But the whole reason why the neurons inside my brain have chosen to spark and once again find boys to "crush on", is because it only makes it easier for me to get over whatever it is that has caused this prolonging of getting over Kyle and all of my other stupid and unnecessarily dramatic problems. I am ok with not hooking up with AJ. It's just something else to think about rather than dwelling on other situations. I haven't been making as big of a deal about it as everyone else has. I am satisfied with crushing from a distance. And as far as I know, there is no danger in speaking my mind or talking about it here. I'm not trying to rape the boy. I simply find him nice to look at and talk to.

~Things just get so crazy. Livin' life gets hard to do. And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew that someday it would lead me back to you.~

This brings us to Applebee's yesterday at supper. I mentioned it briefly in my last post but at the time, I didn't feel like thinking about the conversation that was had. Since I was surrounded by friends, who all knew about the silly flirtation that went on at the wedding, I thought it was safe to jokingly say, "so who's going to hook me up with AJ?" Here's where I got pissed off. (WARNING: I've known Casey for somewhere around 2 and a half years. And we all know that he thinks he knows everything. I've always been the only one who openly admits that I don't like it though I know that it annoys others. I posted about this a long time ago. It got me in trouble with not only him but also Nicole and Casey's mother. That's not what I'm trying to do here. I'm going to cover my ass right now. I don't hate him for it. It's something that I've grown accustomed to and we grew passed that when he and Nicole and I made up after I returned from my trip to CT. So in no way am I saying that because of all that's happened these past 2 days, I'm going to disown him or anything like that at all. I just think that he needs to close his mouth sometimes. What he's said made me mad yes. But I'll get over it. I'm just venting right now.) So when I said that, he piped up and said, "I hate to say it Laura but I don't think AJ would hook up with you. You'd really have to change A LOT of things about you before he'd even think about it." First of all, I guess it would have been helpful if he'd heard the conversation that I had with Rob about it which addressed that exact issue. But...Casey and AJ aren't even really close friends. I don't think they've ever had anything beyond a surface conversation. So if I HAD been serious, (if I didn't already know that I don't have a chance with Aaron) Casey would have been the LAST person I would have asked for advice. It's just the principle of the matter. Right after he said that, Nicole told him to shut up and Laurie rolled her eyes. Soon after that, Laurie suggested that she and I go to the bar and have a smoke. (since we were being kind, sitting in the nonsmoking section because the rest of our party were not smokers.) As soon as we got over there, we started talking about how ridiculous Casey can be when he starts acting like he knows what he's talking about. For some reason and I have no clue as to why, Laurie has this odd confidence in me. She thinks I can hook up with just about anyone. Examples: after my first rondevoux with Ben, she acted like it didn't surprise her in the slightest. It totally fucking surprised me! I didn't think I had an icebergs chance in hell with him. When I got caught up in the Kyle situation, she told me that she thought I totally had a chance of getting back together with him. If I didn't care about his feelings and was willing to turn into a deceitful psycho to break up his relationship with Nikki...but I couldn't do something like that. There's WAY too much guilt involved. And now with this goofy little crush...even after listing my reasons as to why I seem to think once again that I have no chance whatsoever with him, she still thinks there's always a possibility. Which is why I love Laurie. You always have to have a vote of confidence. She's also absolutely honest with me when giving advice. So whatever. I decided to just blow off whatever Casey had said.

~Beautiful things can never stay oh the same way. Oh they pass oh they pass away. They always change.~

So today, I was in a decent mood after last nights excursion with the boys at the playground. I got up late because I stayed up really late...took a shower and actually got ready to be seen by the general public...thinking I was going to be popular since Adam took my # and Ben was talking on IM last night about how he wanted to make out. (I'm rolling my eyes after that statement) I just figured someone would call me and give me something to do. Neither of them have called yet but Laurie did much earlier. Granted it's only 11:30pm. This is what I'm guessing. The boys will call later when they're bored...Ben will get on IM later tonight while I'm either posting this or messing around with something else on the site. But I've already left a nasty "away message" on my IM. ("this is a song in case you're being stalked by someone and you want them to go away. But 'go away' doesn't really work. There was a comedian once that said, 'fuck off'. and I would use something different if something meant the same. Cause 'go away' certainly doesn't mean the same. So this is a fuck off song. -Mraz") If he's that worried about it, he can f'n call. He's had my number for somewhere around 2 months now and has only called me once. And that was only a ploy to make out. If he does message me, I'm going to ignore it. And if he calls, I'm going to tell him that I'm in a terrible mood, and that he should have called earlier. I'm just really disgusted with whatever is going on with he and I. Mostly disgusted with myself for letting it continue. He told me last night that he had to work today and then he was going to come home and take a nap. But he would call me. I figure he probably got a hold of his buddies after work and they're out doing something right now. So he thinks he can come home and wait until he's bored and THEN he'll hang out with me. Once again, I don't consider him anything more than a make out buddy. And I really don't care for building any sort of a relationship with him beyond talking about stupid shit on IM and making out every once in awhile. That's not the point though. I just thought he would have the decency to do something more like offer to take me out on an actual date. At least be seen in public with me. It just makes me feel used. (that's incredibly hilarious to me for some reason) Because I know that I don't want a serious relationship with the boy and yet I expect him to. It doesn't make a shred of sense but I still find it entertaining.

~She said don't...don't let it go to your head. Boys like you are a dime a dozen. Boys like you are a dime a dozen. She said, your a touch overrated. You're a lush and I hate it.~

Ok, break for a run to the kitchen. I just remembered that mom bought some apples!!! And I was getting totally off topic so I had to stop and reflect. Back to the point. Laurie called earlier and invited me over for leftover chinese and to check out everybody's new haircuts. So I took a trip over to the house. We all sat around in Nicole's side of the house eating and laughing at Casey's stupid sugarbuzzed antics. Nicole started up her computer so she could play some old song for me that used to be on the Gadzooks video tapes. Once again, drudging up old history. That turned into playing a bunch of old songs that were popular when we were in middle school. Which was fun because we were all dancing around and laughing at the fact that we still remember the words to Joey Laurence. Casey wrapped a piece of duct tape around his head to cover up his ears...and that was pretty funny. But that eventually turned into Nicole playing sappy country songs...which I could have dealt with for a few minutes. I can only handle so much twangy mushy crap anymore. Except she continued to play them until I was about to burst out in tears. And not because of the sappy lovey mushy crap, but because my ears were about to bleed. That's when Casey out of nowhere asks me how long Kyle and I were together. Which is the only other thing that really bothers me about Casey. Since yes, I met him through Kyle...those are the majority of the memories we have. The 4 of us when we were at the height of our friendships and hanging out constantly. But c'mon. Kyle and I broke up almost a year ago. Give it up. I am a totally seperate person from Kyle. I'm a completely different person from who I was when I was with Kyle. So whenever I'm around, you do not have to mention him or our relationship or all the good times we had together because it's all in the past. I will NEVER get over this if everyone continues to bring it up EVERY fucking day of my life. All you're succeeding in is driving me closer and closer to insanity. I'm already close enough people.

~I can't find anything to be sad about. They say I'm doomed but I feel fine. But if I'm sitting here lonely with no one to hold me at least I'll have my health. I'm trying to control myself.~

I was this close to quitting smoking today. Mainly for the reasons I listed before. I know it's disgusting and unhealthy. But I also know that a lot of people don't like it. Most of my friends would prefer that I didn't. Laurie is the only one who also smokes. She doesn't do it very often...more when she hangs out with me. So I feel like a bad influence there. And just because Tim smoked and that was one of the few things we actually had in common...that doesn't mean that someday I'm going to find someone who I have MUCH MUCH more in common with including such a filthy habit. I was feeling good and when I feel good, I smoke so much less. It's the stress and the overthinking that makes me smoke a pack a day. That went away for a bit...but it returned. Surprise! So after running out this afternoon, and going without for a few hours, I was all about not buying another pack. But after that episode at Laurie's, I went straight to BP and purchased more death in a box. They're half gone alreaady. Just from sitting here and going through my thoughts. That's really sad. I talked to my mother about the whole thing. She just agreed with me...said that I should just chill out for awhile and focus on more important things. (such a motherly thing to say) And she's absolutely right. I've put off the job thing too long. And I'm not even going to think about it anymore. I'm just going to get off of my ass and take some action. I'll deal with the smoking once the smoke has cleared and I have a handle on my priorities. Ditto for the social life which I let occupy every thinking part of my brain. It's all just going to have to take the back burner for now. *sigh* Ok, forget about the gun.

~When you refuse me, you confuse me. What makes you think I'll let you in again. Think again my friend. Go on misuse me and abuse me. I'll come out stronger in the end. Does it make you sad to find yourself alone? Does it make you mad to find that I have grown? You do not know how much this hurts me. To say these things that I don't wanna say but have to say them anyway. I would do anything to end your suffering but you would rather walk away.~

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