06-16-00 Friday


All day...I've been thinking. Because I have nothing else to do. And I've been nervous, and freaking out...and paranoid and frustrated and confused...and probably a few other good words. WHY??? Well, I'm beginning to wonder whether it was such a good idea to ask James to talk to Andrew. It's not that I don't think James could get the job done...I'm just sick of being rejected. I'm tired of being alone. and those two points of view really clash. When I get rejected, I promise myself I'll never do something stupid like that again...but I'm setting myself up for it. I'm asking for it...James can talk Andrew into anything...and I don't want it to be like that. I want genuine feelings. Andrew's feelings...

~Come on Understanding visit me for once today~

I talked to James last night. Alanna and I took a trip over to Elida...It was a little crazy. (the trip) because I was letting my heart run away with me again...anyway, James said he would probably talk to Andrew today...and that's a lot of what's got me on edge. I'm doubting EVERYTHING. Alanna was explaining her conversation on ICQ with James to me...and it breaks my heart to hear the things he says. I don't deserve to be praised like that. He told me that when we broke up, he was afraid he'd never talk to me again...because he didn't want to lose me...I mean, we went out for like 2 months. It's hard for me to believe that he cared about me THAT much. But I guess he did. and still does. Sometimes I get reactions like that from friends. I don't even expect it. Like Shasta...When she told me how much I meant to her...and that my choice to be proud of my virginity caused her to change her mind about losing hers...that really made me feel like I impacted her life. I wasn't even trying. But when I know that I have that sort of influence on people...it scares me. Because I don't want anyone to depend on me for answers. I could screw up and ruin someone forever. and Chris...that boy comes to me like I'm his own personal oracle. He's told me how much I mean to him...why can't I find someone that means so much to me??? But at the same time...I don't want to. I'd rather depend on myself that way I don't have to blame someone else for the consequences of my actions...

~Did we ever have an understanding? Did we ever have anything at all? Not that I recall. YOu were never really there for us. But then we were never really there for you.~

I'm really struggling with this. I want to be open...and I want to just talk to Andrew myself. I want to decide whether I like him because he's good looking or because I know he's a really nice guy. I want to talk to James...and find out if he's talked to him yet. But I don't want to hassle him about it anymore. I feel bad about torturing him with it for the past week. But what do I expect from this anyway? Some fairytale...with a magical happy ending...Like the knight in shining armor all da da da da. (sticks finger in the air...the "saves the day" pose) Boy do I know how to put myself into a sticky situation. I'm tired of boring you.

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