06-14-00 Wednesday


Today's Topic...

EMBARRASSMENT

I've always been a clumsy bumbling fool. It shouldn't surprise me that I'm no longer embarrassed about those little things. I can't count how many times I've tripped up the stairs at school. Yes, that's up the stairs. I trip over my own feet constantly. What do you do though? You get up (if your leg's not broken) and walk away. I'm awkward...I can't help that. We all do embarrassing things. So it just doesn't bother me. I found myself thanking God last night for those embarrassing things. He keeps me grounded when I get arrogant. There is NO way that God will let me have an ego. He says, "Nope, you're not allowed to feel superior. You're NOT! So get over it. And by he way...you're gonna trip and fall in front of a big group of your friends. HA!" and I'm so glad that He does that. It's humbling. and I needed that. And I also found myself laughing about all the stupid things I do. I am a big dumb loser...and it's hilarious!

~One more time you will laugh about it.~

I was clicking around on the computer yesterday, and James messaged me. He's like, "Goo and I are coming over." They did...and we ended up at Nicole's. Then at Taco Bell in Delphos. Those poor Delphos people...they probably thought we were crazy. The place is tiny. Nicole counted the seats...There are 26. Only 26 people can eat in there at once. Our Taco Bell is huge compared to that. We went back to Nicole's and just chilled 'til 1 o'clock in the morning. The rule for the evening was that we couldn't talk about boys. (because I'm extremely tired of thinking about them) But the only thing on Nicole's mind was (is) Tyler. He's in Florida for a week...and I understand that she misses him. But I guess I don't really understand. It gets a little annoying...but I can't be like that. I don't want to be annoyed by it...but I just don't understand how they could be so attached to each other. And knock on wood...but what if something happened and they weren't together anymore...God forbid. but honestly...I don't think either one could bounce back from something like that.

~Don't bide your time cause it is almost over, and I know you're down. I'll see you around. And I know it hurts. You're just getting older, and I know you'll win. You'll do it once again.~

The rule about No boys didn't last very long. James and Matt took every chance they could to mention Andrew. At first I was just like, "ya...I know...funny. haha" but it was just...more than I needed. When I don't want to think about boys, I get slapped in the face with them. So on the way home, I ended up explaining why I cut off all my hair. and I'd rather not go into that here...but it has a lot to do with acceptance. That's one of my biggest fears. It's something that I need to get over. and by cutting off my hair...it was kind of like...letting go of my crutch and walking on my own two feet for the first time in my life. I don't have to be pretty to fit in and have friends. I felt like that was a huge step for me...then I got upset about it. I went through the I-look-like-poo phase. then I got over it...until I was called gay by some Spanish chicks in a store. All I hear is, "blah blah blah (spanish words I don't understand)lesbian blah blah blah" That was a kick in the teeth. I pretended like it didn't bother me so much then I went home that night and bawled. I cried for almost an hour about all the crap I've gone through. About all the things that I don't talk about. Then it was ok. What was I talking about??? Oh right...so I told James and Matt about a lot of this stuff. and explained why I don't feel that I am able to just tell Andrew that I like him. James said it was a bad idea to say that I like him anyway...because he wouldn't understand why. He'd think it's all because he's good looking. But the thing about Andrew...is that not only is he extremely good looking, but he's also a REALLY nice guy. He's funny...and I don't feel like I deserve someone like that. Especially not now with my punk hair...and my clumsy bumbling fool attitude. *sigh* It's hard for me to accept myself...how did I ever expect to be accepted by someone else?!?!

~I've tried to convince you that things could be different but somehow they end up the same. but what did you expect from me? What am I supposed to do? You say that you're starting to feel like you're getting lost. Well, I do too.~


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