07-05-00 Wednesday (only no...it's 2am Tuesday night)


Yes...I'm updating. Because...there's nothing else to do while dwelling. Dwelling? On Andrew, and the less than happy news. James gave him the letter. He read it. And said he understands. But he just doesn't feel the same way.

~The magic's in the make-up, but I wanna be the real thing~

So here I am. Wallowing in self-pity. Thinking, "God, why am I treated so poorly? Why have I been turned down by every guy that I've liked in the past 2 years? Why was I single for almost 3 years before that? Why is it July, and I haven't gotten a job? Why haven't they called me back when they said they would? Why does everything I do turn to shit? Why am I crying?" This is so awful. And I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired of feeling like dirt. Like no guys who are even worth my affection like me. I think. I must have it so bad. But I know of those who are much worse off.

~I can't help, that I like to be kissed. and I wouldn't mind, if my name changed to Mrs. This is one side, my conventional side. An attraction to tradition, my vintage disposition, my censor architecture and I want to cook him dinner. But I'm more indecisive than ever, and who believes in forever?~

Why do I feel like this? Once I got that message from James...I could feel the heat well up in my face. I know I turned bright red. I'm embarrassed for feeling the way I do. Because I will feel this way...Until I see him with someone else. Or hear of him with someone else. And that's gonna hurt far worse. Because once again, I let myself get attached. And I let myself think of all the wonderful things that I know I'm missing. And that I thought would be absolutely perfect with Andrew. But now I'm thinking of all those wonderful things slipping between my fingers. And I feel like there's something wrong with me. Like I don't deserve those things. Especially not from someone as special as Andrew. Because I'm not special. Not special enough for him to like me. Or for Dan to like me. And I've gotten nothing but crap about that. Ya. So I had fallen for Dan (we're speaking in the PAST TENSE) and I let him get to me. and it hurt when I found out about him blazasting me drunk at school. But I could make fun of him. And say "well, I deserve someone better anyway" but I can't do that to Andrew. Because he's been nothing but sweetness to me. I can't say I deserve better...because it doesn't get much better. and I can't say he's wrong. Because it's how he feels. How HE feels. Dammit! Why do I always think of myself first. And my crushed heart...poor me. That's why I hate myself. I'm selfish. I know it. I'll admit it openly. But I try and try to think of others first...it's never happened. Ugh! HE doesn't like me. HE probably thinks I'm nuts. HE doesn't think I'm his type. and I have to respect that. But sometimes I think...if he wasn't looking for "the one" then maybe I'd have a chance. I hate not having a chance. That sucks more than rejection. Knowing that he DID like me at one point in time...and I never got a chance. Here we go again with me me me.

~I started out on the wrong foot. Now I'm not myself. I am Jekyll I am Hyde, found this place to hide. Come seek me. Oh, so up and down. So back and forth so insecure. Can't get this taste out of my mouth. Swallow it down, pretend. and hold it, hold it all in. Let it build up, oh build a bomb. and blow it, blow it away. Clear it all out. Just end it.~

I'm finding much comfort in No Doubt lyrics. I've been listening to No Doubt like you wouldn't believe. I really wish I had Tragic Kingdom. I think it would relate a little more...I need to not listen to another girl with problems...so similar...yet not at all. I need to not listen to her singing about how she's hurt. It makes me feel justified in my "hurting". But I shouldn't. I deserved every bit of hurt I've felt. Because I'm weak, and I can't handle...boys. At all. Why do I try? Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. I put so much in...and get nothing. I ask for too much. I'm useless. I'm a wreck. Why would anyone want to be with me anyhow? Sometimes, I think I should just go out with any guy who happens to be "digging my scene". But I would be so unhappy. And I'd get myself into all sorts of trouble. Maybe I'm destined to live the life of unnatural heartbreak. Maybe I should start hanging out in Wapak again...Just stay away from Andrew...James is gone for two weeks anyway. With him gone...I have Nicole. But she's starting her new job. I'm alone. I'll probably end up sitting around writing BAD poetry. I need to just...Get away. But it won't happen. I hate ending on such a sour note...

~Supervision is what I need. Some consistence, tangibility...and to make it real, I need to have you here. It can't be sincere unless you spend time here.~

Ok, So Evan and I went to the fireworks...and on the way home...traffic was terrible. And we were stuck behind this huge van with 3 little kids in the back...and besides the fact that annoying children...are my worst enemy...they were waving at us. We were behind them for like 3 or 4 blocks, and they just kept waving...I tried to get them to stop. I pretended to pick my nose...I made funny faces...They were probably enjoying themselves. THEN! we're behind this station wagon with 3 teenaged guys in it...One in the back...he was practically in the front cause he was leaning over the seat...that bothered me. So I told Evan to just hit them...I wanted to see the one in the back go through the windshield. Then all of a sudden, the driver just starts head banging! and I'm like, "That's it! Hit them!" They were stupid...I don't know, I'm sure I've done something like that before. But it was funny. and when it happened, I looked at Ev, and he looked at me...and we both started cracking up laughing. it was hilarious...ok. I feel a little better.

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