07-04-00 Tuesday


So much has happened the past few days...I don't know why. but when things happen it's like a frickin' freight train. So here we go.

~If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again~

I got into a big fight with James on ICQ the other night. It started out...with him...I don't know...It was just a stupid fight. He kept telling me things that Andrew had said. But I'm just so frustrated with that. This is how James put it, "Ask Andrew, Not me. I don't have the answers...and you seem to think I do." I know he doesn't have the answers...but I thoght he'd understand Andrew's actions more than I would. I suppose I was wrong. I just figure...he's got someone else lined up. It's not like there aren't 9000 girls who want him. But he seems to think I'm just another one of those girls...I beg to differ. I'm not a groupie. I refuse to do that again. Grrr. this is just not helping at all. I want to talk to him. I NEED to talk to him. Not bitch about things that are quite possibly just assumptions. And or just intangible.

~you and your museum of lovers...a precious collection you've housed in your covers...my simpleness threatened by my own admission.~

james suggested that I write Andrew a letter. I got defensive. That's a middle school move. Do you like me circle yes or no?!?! But when he got mad at me...and stopped messaging...I sat up until 6am writing an apology to him...and a three page novel to Andrew. I didn't go to bed until the sun was coming up. It was like Easter morning all over again. Right...anyhow, I went to Nicole's yesterday...To talk about things...get some expert advice. She read the letters...and I asked if it was worth giving to him...she figures...if it's too much for me to say...then ya. I should give it to him. So after I left Nicole's house, I went to James house...He and Goo were playing the foose ball. (dear God...they've influenced my brain) anyhow, I gave James his letter...and I let both of the boys read the one to Andrew. (it's not like they don't know about everything already) we're sitting on the front porch...James brings out fig newtons, chocolate milk, and white milk...pours me a glass of chocolate...that I told him I didn't want...so i give it to Goo. Then he poured himself a glass...and I poured some white milk for Goo. By the time he reached his second glass... I got a little worried. James was still reading the novel...and crumbs were going everywhere. (you must understand...these boys don't eat. They inhale) Suddenly...I guess the milk got the best of him...before Goo realized that James was still clutching the letter...he throws a half a glass of milk straight on to James, the letter, the front steps, and me. Soaked...the letter at least. I only got it a bit. Hahahahaha! Grrr man, then James is like, "it'll dry" so we go inside and use the hairdryer...he suppposedly gave the letter to Andrew last night. I tried to get it back. But no! He wouldn't let me...sigh. This whole thing is just...ridiculous.

~Can you tell I'm fakin' it...but I wanna be myself. A counterfeit disposition, can't be good for my health.~

Today, the 4th of July...has just been...less of a holiday...and more of a waste. Sitting around...eating...talking to my new ICQ friend. (wrinkles brow) I wish I could do something...but..he's led a terribly bruised life. I don't know?!?! That's enjoyably frustrating. And then we have the festivities of the evening. I want to go to the park...and find my friends...but there is little to no parking...I'd probably hit something if I tried to go up there. Yep. that's 7 accidents under my belt. I'm not proud of it. A few of them weren't my fault. Anyhow...I want to go...just to see Andrew...but I'd never find them. I'd go...hit someone...or by the grace of God, I'd find a space...and then never find my friends. That wouldn't be very fun at all...So I'd rather sit here by myself. I might go...if I can find someone else. But it's looking pretty slim. Oh well.

~Why am I so curious, this territory's dangerous. I'll probably end up at the start. I'll be back in line, with my, broken heart.~

It looks like Evan and I are going. That's cool. I like chillin' with Ev-dogg. He's my home boy. I just hope we don't run into anyone...I don't want to ignore him...and I do that. I'm so rude...Grr. I need to think of something other than Andrew. AHHHH! I love scream cleansing.

~It's too real now. Fulfillment just adds fuel to the flame.

HOME
CONFLICTS

e-mail: holyrevelry@hotmail.com