07-02-00 Sunday
Grrr! I've made myself cry again...this has GOT to stop. I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. There's no reason for me to be crying. but there's no reason for me to be sitting at home alone either. I should start with the beginning of the story...
~I cannot save you. I can't even save myself~
I've been sitting at home alone for the past two days. Bored out of my mind. I offered to pick my grandmother up from work today because I couldn't stand sitting here any longer. But when I got home from that...I'd had my taste of the outdoors and was craving more...so I called James. Because he's always up for just chillin'. But this time...he was busy...not really...well, he was packing for his trip...and talking to his family, and me at the same time. It was confusing. But I could tell he was frustrated. Andrew was there...and they were planning on going to the drive-in again. But it was two hours before they start showing movies, so he would have to listen to everyone griping for two more hours... I said, "Well, I would invite you over here...but it's kinda dumb because it's in the opposite direction." I asked him if I'd called at a bad time, and he said yes. So I let him go. Then, Nicole called. She said she bought me something on her trip to her sisters, and was on her way over to give it to me. So while waiting for Nicole, I changed clothes...and started putting on make-up...the dog starts barking...and I'm like, "that was quick". So I go to the door and find James and Andrew...James smelled food inside...so while I finished my make-up, they hit my brother up for food. Then Nicole shows up...this is where it gets confusing. She gave me a shirt (very cute btw) and they started getting impatient. So I asked James if it bothered him if I go with them, cause I haven't been out in two days. But he's like, "find another person...cause that would make you the third wheel. No...more like me." which made me mad...because wait a second...I thought Andrew and I had come to this big understanding the other day about how we're just friends. So I told him that was a stupid excuse. Than I started talking to Nicole...about being unhappy with the whole "we're just friends" situation...and they went over and had some little conversation of their own. James comes back over and says, "well, I'm not even supposed to be over here. I told my dad I was going straight to the drive-in and he's going too. So he'll know if I'm not there" wait a minute! "Then WHY did you come here! I told you it was a dumb idea!" Nicole told me to just get in the car and tell him I wasn't getting out until we were there. But...I don't know. She went home to go to bed, and they just stood there...looking all...in a hurry. So I said, "GO!!! Get out of my face." It was mean...but sarcastic. I don't know. They made me mad. Mostly because...ya, I wanted to spend time with Andrew. But also because...it felt like they were teasing me. And I know they weren't doing it on purpose. But it was like..."we're going to the drive-in, and you're not." That sucks. So I came inside and slammed the door behind me. No happy goodbyes. Yes, I'm selfish. And I DO get upset when things don't go my way. I'm trying not to be so childish. I know it's immature.
~we'll forget the past...but maybe I'm not able, and I break at the bend~
So I came inside to scream about my stupid problems...and I cried a bit. For no good reason. Just because I'm tired of being rejected. And it hurts so badly. Knowing that or at least thinking that Andrew has no desire what-so-ever to be in a relationship with me. For...reasons that just don't seem...up to par. and I'm sure to him, his reasons are completely justified...but to me, it just seems...???...generic. And I don't want it to be like that. These past few days, since we had our "talk", I've thought of nothing but him. I feel like a crazy, scary, obsessive type person. It's...not allowed. But I can't help it. I've tried out of sight out of mind...and I've tried to keep myself busy. But it's like...insane obsessive. I'm being so selfish. And like I said before, it's not allowed. Anyhow, I was updating the journal...ranting and raving, talking to my new ICQ friend. (nice guy...different...transexual...I'm proud really) and then Evan came on-line...and I was talking to him, and he invited me to go with him to the Mirage (local dance club). That was...an experience. But I'm glad he invited me. Otherwise, I would have been depressed for a few hours, then I would have curled up in a little ball and gone to sleep. Which sucks. So he was like angel sent from God saying, "shut up and go do something before I have to hurt you". But ya...the Mirage...I didn't dance. It was just, like I was out of my element. All the girls there were hoochies...backless shirts and booty shorts...and I don't know. It was wrong. So Ev and I played pool for about an hour. Then went back downstairs...It was going pretty well (I hadn't thought about Andrew or what had happened earlier) until we ran into my friend Trash (Ashley), Brandi, and Jamie...(Jamie just happens to be Andrew's ex-girlfriend) I'm standing there...my averageness is blazing...and she's all petite and cute in her little tube top and skin tight pants...dancing with some guy...I felt extremely inadequate. I wanted to hide in a dark corner. But we left right afterward, and went to Arbys. Talked about...movies...and dry humor. It was hilarious. But I couldn't stop thinking about how I could apologize for being so rude to James and Andrew. *sigh* Then we went to Hollywood video...looking for Fight Club. They were all rented out. So I came home. To think about how dumb I am. And to be upset again. I have no room being a flat out biotch to those boys. I don't deserve the chance that Andrew's given me...I don't deserve to ever speak to him again. I'm blowing this out of proportion. I just get too emotional about things. I need to apologize. *sigh*
~The one I needed I abuse. More color for a bruise. and so I sing this song for you. There's nothin' left for me to do. Goodbye to what...Venus I thought you blessed me to...So selfish to pursue.~
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