Scars, they cut into you....


07-29-03

~Well I talk too much to myself and I turn my back on my faith. It's like glass when we break. I wish no one in my place.~

So that wonderful mood that I was in yesterday didn't last very long. The day wasn't really bad. I didn't get anything done that I wanted to. So that made me a little frustrated. I sat around all day and once I finally found some motivation, I spray painted the breaker box cover (for the kitchen). Ya, remind me someday that I should never try to be a grafiti artist. I got black and copper spray paint all over myself and the floor of the garage. That was just disappointing because it didn't turn out looking antique like I had planned. It just looks like a big piece of metal with a sloppy paint job. Whatever. Then I decided that rather than working inside, I wanted to spend some time in the sun...since it's been pretty blah outside for the past week or so. It was sunny and nice, so I mowed the back yard. But by the time I got the back finished, I was sick of bouncing around on the rider mower. Talk about motion sickness. It's not bad in a car. The street isn't nearly as bumpy as my yard. So I came inside and watched 8 Mile. (for the 3rd time) I don't know why I chose that movie. Maybe because it's not all happy and romantic. By the time that was over, it was too late to finish the yard. So I played some vegas solitaire. Got a call from Laurie.

~Days are numbered 3-2-1. When you bit the bullet, I held the smoking gun.~

She invited me over to hang out. Nicole made hamburgers or something...but mom was making spaghetti and I stunk from mowing. So I passed. I should have taken a shower and gone over there now that I think about it. But I stayed here, and got bitched out by my dad again. Went out in the kitchen to get some freaking food. Instead of sitting down at the table, I should have eaten in a different room. But I sat down and listened to him bitching about how he's not getting his vacation time now. He's getting paid for it, but he can't take time off. So he was whining about it. Ya, I can understand. You put so much time into a company, you deserve your 3 weeks vacation a year. But shit happens. So deal with it. Then he started talking about how he'll probably get fired within 30 days anyhow. I guess this company that took over has all sorts of ideas about how well that store should do. He figures they won't make their quota and he'll get canned. (Hello, I've been there. I was constantly stressed out about that shit at Journey's. They threatened me every other fucking day.) So I made a silly off hand comment. I said something like, "well, if you're just going to get fired anyway, quit. Then you can have some time off for this Mopar Nationals thing then you can get a new job and be in the same position you're in now. Starting fresh." I was joking. But he flipped out and said, "Excuse me! I'm not like YOU! I can't be irresponsible and just quit my job without a new one. I have a family to support!!" I was just fucking joking. Trying to lighten the mood a little bit. But he's working himself up and getting stressed out about nothing. This sort of shit happens to people every day. He already has high blood pressure. He's borderline diabetic and doesn't take care of his diet or blood sugar properly. He's overweight...and one of these days, he'll have a heartattack and send himself into an early grave. He pissed me off once again. So I stood up and said, "oh, well excuse me for trying to be positive and for looking on the bright side." Then I slammed the chair into the table and went into the living room. Sometimes...you know, you just can't help but spontaneously break out into tears. So I sat there and cried until I heard him tell my mom to tell me to stop bawling. Then, I came back here, changed clothes and stormed out to my car. On my way out he said, "oh, walk out! Fine!" I had to. If I didn't, I probably would have said something and he would have kicked my ass out. So I drove around for 45 minutes. Back country roads...I didn't want to get pulled over. That would have been excellent. Some cop pulls me over while I screaming at the top of my lungs and bawling. Then finds that I have no car insurance. Nice. I remember my drivers ed teacher telling us not to drive when we're mad. But sometimes you just need to drive around and blow off some steam.

~Just think of this and me as a few of the many things to lie around and clutter up your shelves. And I wish you weren't worth the wait cause there's some things I'd like to say to you. Cause I don't think that you know what you've been missin'.~

So when I finally came home, I talked to my mom. I made her cry too. It sucks to watch your mother cry. But he's hurt her WAY more than he could ever hurt me. He's not a father. He never has been. A provider maybe. Halfassed at that. But nothing more. And a husband??? Ya right. Then he comes in the kitchen and tried his lame ass apologies again. But I shot back with a rude comment...so he got pissed off and turned things around to his "poor little me" routine. Pity me because they're making changes at my job. Just fucking deal with it and stop acting like a little baby. Cause the entire world is out to get you. So you don't get your last few vacation days. At least you have a fucking job. *sigh* This whole post is depressing so far. I'll attempt to improve.

~I can't stand. I can't see my way. I feel lost on my feet. I can't stay too long. Am I wrong?~

So, I decided to forget about the hallway. I'm going out and finding a fucking job. From now on, that's what I'm going to spend all of my time on. Laurie said something...I called her when I was out driving around. She said, "you better get a job so you can move out if your dad loses his. I wouldn't want to be around for that." Amen. So...ya. That's what I'm doing. As soon as I can get a job and pay my bills off enough so that it's possible, I'm moving out. Whatever it takes, I'm out of here. I was going to check out the classifieds on Lima News dot com. But they're making all sorts of changes on their site. So that section is currently unavailable. I'll get up in the morning, take a shower, get all prettified, and go out and buy a paper. And some french vanilla goodness. Then it's back to the fucking drawing board. As of right now, I think I'm going to shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows, then maybe play zelda. I had my brother dig out his nintendo 64 for me last night. Sounds like fun. I'll numb my brain with stupid video games. YA!

~5 times out of a hundred, tell me what my odds. are. It's a wonder. 5 times out of a hundred tell me what my chances are. Romance is underrated...~

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