Vindicated!


07-28-04

~Vindicated, I am selfish. I am wrong. I am right. I swear I'm right. Swear I knew it all along. And I am floored but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swear you saw yourself.~

It's 2:14am technically no longer the 27th. But when I created the file with intentions to begin the update, I think it was still the 27th. Maybe not. No! Cause I was still at Nat's when the clock struck midnight signaling that it's officially Jake's 21st birthday! So I fucked it all up already. It's okay though. I'll use my mad skills and it'll all be fine. But happy birthday Jake! Too bad it's Monday night/Tuesday morning and he has to work. The kid's just too damn responsible. I remember those days. Some quick bits of information: Natalie's trying to quit smoking. Wearing the patch and making herself sick with it. It's 2 days in and she's already had at least 3. Bit #2 It's Jake's birthday! Bit #3 The big party is this weekend. So I've cancelled all plans Saturday night just to celebrate the occasion. Bit #4 Lots and lots...okay a few...new friends. Some people I've been hanging out with. Switching up the scene. It needed to be done.

~From up here the city lights burn like a thousand miles of fire...~

New friends new friends new towns new fun. Been talking a little bit over the phone with my pal D. Conversation begins and ends with laughs. Searching for infant limbs on e-bay just for kicks. So last Saturday, of all places, I ended up in Springfield to pick up Derek. Plucked him from his small town hideaway and drug his ass to Columbus for a night out. Met up with Kir, Laurie and Steve at the mall after driving around aimlessly (or so I thought) on back roads I've never seen before. Lots of talk about music, art and getting lost. Somewhere in here, Derek "rocked out" to Story of the Year for me which was fabulous. Then we all headed over to Don Pablos for food and booze. Gargantuan margaritas that you could drown in. Joked around with the waiter who reminded me of Thad. Yes, that's a humor that will always be missed. If you're tuned in, I miss you 'the boy'. Hate to admit it but I miss 'the other boy'. I miss being 'the girl'. Anyhow, it was pretty casual. Joking about Derek's girl jeans, pretty blue drinks called Mayan Sky, and an obsession with BBQ sauce that only lead to heartburn and reason to suck down one more massive margarita. Talk of D's band which Steve seems pretty interested in. He's already told Jon about it and asked about the website. At my shock and surprise, Derek paid my tab which was very nice of him. Caused an uproar from the lady friends which I've now lovingly dubbed the cynical female club. Laurie and Kir were impressed as was I. Not that throwing money around is impressive. It was a nice gesture. So the drunkeness moved to Kir's place where we watched some crazy Canadian mockumentary and made several drunk'n dials to random people. It's always nice to know that it's acceptable to call your friends when you're tipsy and scream, "elliooooooooot" through the mobile phone lines. The night was topped off by D and I stumbling out to my car that seemed a mile away from Kir's door. Not shortly after that, Derek passed out and I had to fend for myself on those back roads. Tried to wake him up for directions but everytime he would mumble something about taking 71 to 70 which I'd done about an hour before. He snored. Just once though and woke himself up. Or I woke him up with my laughter. Either way, we both got a kick out of it. Somehow, I found my way back to his house after going about 15-20 miles out of my way. Made sure he was ok to walk inside, refused an offer to crash (sure it would have been followed by an awkward AM walk of shame) and drove another hour and a half to my futon. All in all, it was good fun for everyone. Time well spent with old friends. Especially Kir since I rarely see her anymore and I finally got a chance to check out her new living quarters. Time well spent with a new friend who's more than welcome in my life and contrary to popular belief, it's not just because he's almost famous.

~You called to say you wanted out. Well I can't say I blame you now. Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out. Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself. Show yourself...~

This is where things turn serious. Not by choice. Last I'd spoken to Ryan, he was holding the cell captive until he recieved the call for a job interview. Told me he would return it to my posession on Sunday. So after a couple of calls from Natalie and Laurie I finally got up and gave Ry a call. Long story kinda short: He brought the phone and we got to talking about the fact that he was driving some random girls car...ie the roommate of some chick named Erin which he's been spotted with. Claiming once again that Erin is just a friend. They're "hanging out" and it's casual. I'd long been over this story since it was at least a week or two old. He asked what I'd been up to and although I'd planned not to tell him about my "new friend", he got the jist of things and it all went sour from there. Here he's been! "I don't want a girlfriend. Not you or anyone else. But I'll hang out with a bunch of girls and one in particular while telling you that I still want you in my life and making you feel like a sorry piece of shit". Maybe not in those words exactly but that's definately how it looked to me and those around me. So he tasted his own medicine this time. Said he realized how it feels for me and that he was jealous. Apologized for what he's done, told me this Erin girl is a fat hippy in attempts to make me feel better but reminded me that this is his choice and he's following through. That discussion ended with a very long hug. I asked if I should temporarily disconnect the phone like we'd talked about or just disconnect it period and he accused me of being brutal. Brutally honest maybe but when haven't I been? I'd just rather not drag it out any longer than it has to be. He asked for the temporary option so I reiterated that it only lasts for a month. I'm not trying to be mean. Not trying to cut his vacation short but that's the way it works. Made me wonder about our break up. Is it only a temporary disconnection or will that eventually be followed by permanence? He'll get used to not having the phone around. Will he get used to not having me around? And it's all quite sad. He immediately had the urge to get drunk after our talk. So I let him know that I no longer have a way to contact him anymore and I'll be damned if I'll call around to his friends phones looking for him. It's up to him now to call me. And he hasn't. Granted, that was only 2 days ago but it's out of sight out of mind so although I'd like to, I'm not expecting to hear from him anytime soon.

~So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. Or just wanted to be missed...~

After that conversation, I went to Laurie's to watch Kenny vs. Spenny (Steve's new favorite show) But first I had to make a pit stop at the infamous BP for some smokes and soda. I don't know what it is about this friggin' BP. For some reason, I run into people there and Sunday proved to be another one of those situations. Pulling into a parking space right out front, I almost ran right over a familiar face. A face I'd hoped never to run into again...of all people, I had to nearly commit vehicular homocide on...Thomas steps out of the door and into my space. Thomas...the 20 year old kid who text messaged me like it was his job. Thought I'd finally rid myself of the expensive text charges when Ryan happily answered my phone the last time he called. It was a bittersweet reunion. He told me that he's moved into an apartment right near Natalie and all is well in the land of 20 almost 21 years old. He asked if I was still with Ry and like the retard that I am, I told him that we broke up. Smooth. Real f'n smooth. So he immediately jumped to telling me he'd left his phone in Indiana but he'd get a hold of me blah blah blah DAMMIT! I don't know what I did to this kid or what was so fucking great about the 2 times we EVER hung out but it's now Tuesday...and I got a call from Natalie early this afternoon informing me that she took a message from a Thomas, asking to pass on his work # the next time she spoke with me. This kid is fuckin' relentless. I don't think I've ever been hunted so sportingly. And quite frankly, I don't like it. Don't get me wrong. It's definately flattering but damn! Stalking is creepy.

~Everyone's caught on to everything you do. Everyone's caught on to you.~

So last night I hung out with Natalie at the laundromat. Watched Fear Factor and made loud rude comments probably stirring up some deep hatred for us from the others innocently washing their garments. I learned last night that innocence is a con. There's this guy who's been crashing with Nat's neighbors upstairs. Jule...master of scam! Supposedly he works for some perfume distribution company that's opening up an office here. He claims to be the gofer sent to recruit employees and such. Filling Natalie's head with tall tales of an office management position that pays over 30 grand a year. Telling old wives tales of some benefit that he's working on for the American Red Cross and he needs "helpers" who know the area and are willing to make $800 each for one days work. He tells us nothing of what these jobs entail. Has no proof...seems to be in the dark himself. Always chatting on his phone to someone from "corporate". Personally, I think this guy has problems. Either he's seriously trying to pull a fast one or he's just trying to make himself seem super important in attempts to impress everyone and make friends. Haven't quite put my finger on it. But I know it's a load of bullshit. Just as most "innocence" is. Unless you're under the age of 5 or you've been locked up in a bomb shelter somewhere...there's no such thing as innocence. I was informed by Conrad that just as Jule had a bit of a crush on Natalie...it's now been transfixed on me. And just as Natalie finds him repulsive, I wholeheartedly agree. First of all, we have the situation above. All of his bullshit stories that sound WAY too good to be true. But he comes around us, and it never fails, the poor generation of white kids who've been trained that racism is BAD are subjected to his racist jokes and comments against his very own race. Throwing the N word around like it's nobody's business. It's atrocious. This is one more person that Natalie and I are forced to avoid when traversing through her parking lot. So I suppose the point is, not all of the people I've been meeting are the greatest. But here I am. Right back in the habit. Whether it's my choice or someone else's, the waters will never settle here. But the day is now beginning (3:43pm already) So I'll be done. Just one more lyric...

~I gotta 20 dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup. You're always made up. And I'm sick of your tattoos and the way you don't appreciate Brand New or me! And I know that you're a sucker for anything accoustic. When I say let's keep in touch I hope you know I mean I wish that you'd grow up. This is the first song for your mixed tape. And it's short just like your temper. Somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool.~

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