It only gets better...you'll see.


07-28-03

~Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions but only illusions. And rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it. I know they're wrong wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.~

I woke up to my phone ringing about and hour ago. Half expecting it to be Laurie waking my ass up once again. I had to get up and find the phone...looked at the caller ID...it was Tim. He got the money and my letter. He was joking around and laughing almost. So I knew something was up just by the tone of his voice. He was somewhat cheery. It was extremely odd. We laughed and talked and it was so fucking beautiful. That's all I've wanted and I'm fucking elated right now. I want to cry. But like I said, I knew something was up...and it finally came out halfway through the conversation. I guess he and his girlfriend broke up last weekend. From what he said, she had broken up with her boyfriend of 4 years to be with him. (sound familiar???) And she wasn't ready to be in another relationship. I suppose it's good that they broke up now before it got ugly. I kind of poked a bit of fun at him for looking for the vulnerable girls. But I'm sure he's not too happy about the whole thing. He said, "that's life"...which I think is just his way of forgetting about it and moving on. I don't know. Other than that, our conversation was great. He opened up a lot and talked for once. It made me very happy. I told him that I miss him. I told him about the weird dreams I've been having. Thank gawd I didn't have any last night. I hate sleeping. seriously.

~You're not thinkin' about tomorrow. Cause you were the same as me but on your knees...I've become what you became to me.~

We also talked about visiting each other. I mentioned something about it in my letter. He says he gets winters off with this pool job that he has. So he said he's going to come to Ohio for a bit then. Who knows...things change but I'd go out there now if it weren't for the fact that I have no car insurance and no money to pay for gas (even if I did have insurance) Anyhow, ya. It was good. ugh, I can't say that enough. It's such a relief to be able to talk to him like that. Shit, it's 3 o'clock. I better get started on the hallway. I realized last night that I won't be able to work on it at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning like I did in the kitchen. The light will wake everyone up. So...if I want to get in a full days work, I better get started now. I need to make it to hobby lobby at least sometime today. I need copper spray paint...don't ask. (shaking my head again) There's so much to do. I should probably call Shannon today too. Dammit...

~I'll forgive you for what you've done if you say that I'm the one...~

10:40pm

Son of a bitch! I just got a message from Jonathon at Realmagic...they're doing this huge thing at Warped tour in NY on the 9th. Had a list of all the bands that will be there. Holy shit! I wish I would have looked this up earlier. Practically every last band on that list is badass. I want to go so badly now. Dammit I wish I had some money. It's just about too damn late now. The only person who's even mentioned it to me is mook (mike, one of Jess's friends from MI) He may be going on the 3rd in Pontiac. There's a show in Cleveland...I forget which day. The first thought I had was to call up Tim and say, meet me half way in PA. But he wouldn't...he's got to work. Plus, I don't think he'd be interested in very many of the bands. Then I thought I should call up TJ. I know he likes a lot of them. Hell, for all I know, he could be going already. But...I have no money. Granted, I could put it on my credit card which is $85 away from being maxed out. I really don't think that's a good idea. I'd have to bum a ride...dammit. I need a job. I'm calling Shannon tomorrow. This has just gone too far.

~days are numbered 3-2-1. When you bit the bullet I held the smoking gun.~

I definately can't ask to borrow any money from my parents anymore because my dad found out today that his company was bought out. So all of a sudden, he's supposedly working for a new company. We don't know if he still has any of his benefits (that's kind of important. He's got all kinds of medical bills and such from the cancer) Or his vacation time (my parents have all sorts of plans for their anniversary in September) We don't even know if he still has a job. Something like 6 years invested in this company and they spring this shit on him out of nowhere. It's just a little fucked up. He said to me today, "you need to get a job because you might be supporting us for awhile". That's not an easy pill to swallow but...it's unfortunately a possibility.

~I feel lost on my feet. I can't stay too long. Am I wrong?~

I called Laurie a little after my first update this afternoon. Drove straight over there. I felt like taking a walk on the wild side so I drove the neon. Passed 3 cops who'd pulled people over and 2 others that were just driving down the street. When I got there, I was just about to shit my pants. I told her about the conversation with Tim. (laughs) The first thing she said was, "you're not going to get back with him are you???" As of right now, I'd say no. That is what I said. But I told her about the possibility of him coming out here...or me going out there and she said, "Ya, just get a good fuck out of it. No more long distance from OH to CT." (ahhhahahahaha!!!) I must have been beaming because she said it was good to see me smile like that again. First of all, that was a really nice thing to say. Between that and the actual conversation, I've probably had the best day I've had in a VERY long time. Secondly, that's why I love Laurie. That's why I rushed over there to talk to her about it. When my mom asked me why I was on the phone with Tim, the first thing she said was, "you're NOT moving back to Connecticut." I don't know why one good conversation with an X-boyfriend suddenly means I'm getting back with him. I'm definately not. I guess I was a little over excited about it. That doesn't change anything. I'm just glad that the negativity is over. (and I've pretty much had nothing but caffeine and sugar all day) I do miss him though...everyday. But, that's life. (dance break!!!) Gotta love Michael Jackson. (sorry, moment of weakness)

~Hold it down boy. Your head's gettin' blurred. I know you can't stop thinking of her. By all means you can vibe with this girl but just don't mug yourself. Just don't mug yourself.~

HOME
BACK

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com