07-28-00 Friday


TODAY'S TOPIC = FRIENDSHIP




~How do you do it? Make me feel like I do...~

Goo's in trouble. I'm really worried about it too. I won't go any further into this because it's private. But I can't believe it. and I'm scared for him. This is really serious. And I wish I could help him. *sigh* I'm sorry Goo. You're in my prayers. (always are)

~If you feel you just might want me, it's too bad, I'm not that easy.~

I woke up this morning to yet another phone call. This time...I was manipulated into passing things out in a parade tomorrow. I'm not very happy about it either. I realized after the conversation that she never even asked if I wanted to do it...Just assumed I would. Then gave me the job of finding someone else to help. I of course thought of James. So I found out that he was with Andrew...and I paged Andrew. As soon as he found out that it was me...he tried his hardest to get off the phone. "I can't really hear you cause I'm at the gym." I said, "well that's nice. I wanted to talk to James anyway." But James has this all night thing at the drive-in tomorrow. So not only am I stuck in the parade...but I'm stuck with some other random person. It's not my idea of an exciting Saturday. But I don't have a good enough excuse to bail.

~Are you happy now? How is it now? Are you happy now?~

So anyhow, the topic being "friendship", I might as well begin. Can you define a friend? Tell me. I'd really like to know what it is. Is it someone you talk to on the phone? Is it someone who you spend time with? Or someone who's always there for you? Sometimes I think that I really lack friends. Because the people who claim to be my friends...don't seem to be holding up their side of the bargain. I've tried. and I'm sick of one-sided relationships. I'm tired of having to invite people over so I can see them. I'm tired of inviting myself places just to see people. Don't friends enjoy each others company? Wouldn't they invite you for more than just the fact that you mentioned you were bored or tired of sitting alone. I feel like I pity people into spending time with me. I really wish I could flat out say who I'm talking about. But it hurts my feelings...knowing that...these people think things are just fine the way they are. It's ridiculous.

~I promise not to try not to let you down~

And I'm feeling better about yesterday. Even though I've been told that the job I'd taken wasn't a good idea anyway. This is how people comfort me. They say, "I told you so" That sucks. But I feel better. Because I thought about it...and it's ok. It was a mistake. Things happen. No one can control it. Besides God. And maybe he just decided that it wasn't such a good idea after all. That he's got something bigger and better for me. But I also thought about how nice it was to be back at work. It kept my mind off of Andrew. But now I'm started to notice that he's avoiding me. I think it's funny. First...the day we (Nicole and I) went to James house. Andrew decided not to come back after taking Goo home. Then, the other night when Goo and James came over, they left Andrew at Matt's house...by himself. And then today when I paged him...he called, and found out it was me...then tried to get off the phone as soon as possible. I think I scared him. I don't know what exactly I did...but...oh well. I don't know what else to say. Am I supposed to be upset? Am I supposed to call him and bother him more just to find out what his problem is? Should I complain to James? I'm sure he's tired of hearing about it. No. I don't care anymore. It hurt at first. But then I said, "well what did you expect? You didn't deserve a guy like that to begin with...and then you practically harassed him about it...then you wasted your time thinking about it...what's left? GET OVER IT!" Hmm sounds pretty logical to me. That's just the thing though. James has got me thinking even more about that. He said that Andrew had been doubting himself...and was actually thinking about it...up until last week at least. That's the last time they had talked about it. But I know that once I get over it...I'm not going to change my mind. He's been given the chance. And I'm not going to suffer any longer. It's just stupid. So I'm afraid that once I DO get over it...and, move on, so to speak, he'll change his mind. And come back all "I made a mistake, please forgive me" and what do I do? I'm done with it. I refuse to be hurt by the same thing twice. So...I lose no matter what. Why do I even waste my time on such things? Why do I think about things like this. If I were Nicole, this is what I'd say, "You know damn well, that even if you 'get over it', if he says he likes you, you're gonna go after him." That's how it seems. But I won't. I can't. I refuse. (now watch...no! I won't even say it)

~Sittin on the corner of Nowhere road just between I Wish I Could Not road~

So I need to go to the tire place, and get my rear passenger tire fixed. It's been leaking...Since I got the damn thing. BAH! But I'm scared of mechanics. My dad said, back when we went to get the tires, that they were all staring at me. So I don't want to go alone. I'm waiting for mommy to go with me. (hahaha) I'm such a wimp. I could probably womp all of them. I'm tough. I'm a big girl...but they still bother me. I'm always afraid they'll try and screw me over. Oh! I went to the mall with Nicole yesterday. Looking for Tyler's birthday present. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TYLER! We ran into Laurie who was working. And then into Jen and Heather. That was...interesting. I haven't seen Laurie. Since wrestlefest...she's not...the same. Neither is Jen. And when we walked out of the store...Nicole looked at me and said, "did you feel the tension?" It was quite awkward. And I feel bad about that. It shouldn't be that way. It's rough. I saw Jason. We stopped in at the computer store to say hi. He's frightened by me liking the Power Puff Girls. I don't know why. I mean, nothing should shock him. He's friends with Mike. geez. I also saw him last week. (Jason not Mike) I was in Wapak visiting my cousin...and we dropped by the video store to pay a late fee on a video. He was working. I had forgotten he worked there. It was odd. Nicole laughed when we left the store in the mall though. She's like, "he's smitten" then immitated his reactions to me. It was hilarious. But that's the way he is. I don't expect anything else. Anyway, I need to go get my tire fixed.

~I'm sure about it. I'm definitely sure that I do surely doubt it. I wish that I could say that I was sure about it. But I'm definitely sure that I'm not sure.~

on the edge of depression unknown

HOME
CONFLICTS