Just when you thought it was safe...
07-26-01 Thursday
~So can you see, you're seeing less of me darling.~
Man, Angelfire's doing all sorts of updates. And it's been so long since I've logged into my page, that I had to go through all sorts of crap just to get to my shell. Dang. I forgot what I was going to write about.
~Have I waited too long, have I found that someone? Have I waited too long, to see you?~
Hmmm, the trip to Cedar Point...that's a long story. I'll try and make it short.Let me start with what I wrote in my paper journal the day before we left.
The Chronicles 7-23-01
I'm still pissed about our Cedar Point trip tomorrow. Maybe not for the same reasons I was earlier. At first, I didn't want Meg to go because it would make it an odd # of people, and she was talking about bringing her little brother, there were too many minors that I was responsible for...but Nicole shot down all of those excuses. On my way home, I realized that I don't want her to go because she's pretty. Plain and simple, I'm admitting it's jealousy. I AM upset that Nicole always decides who to invite. But mostly I'm upset becasue Meg is tan and blonde and pretty. And I'm sure the first thing Mike's going to do is attach himself to her leg. (whether I like it or not, Mike plays a part in this) I won't lie. I like being desired. I liked all the attention. I know I made the right choice by staying with Kyle. But for some reason, I still want Mike to want me. Even though I'm sure he hates me by now. He's probably already planned to put the moves on Megan just to prove that he's not still stuck on me. And that's going to be...like torture. Because he came at me full force. And now that I think about it...he probably does that for all the girls. There was nothing so special about me. And I bet he'll use the same stupid lines that I fell for on Meg. And it hurts. I want someone else to play the fool like I did so many times. It's someone else's turn to be the sucker. But with Meg there, I lose. Rob will be all over her. And Mike won't be too far behind. Nicole will egg it on, and I'll be bitter. I'm so tired of being bitter. I don't want to go.
I hate being right. I was so right...it hurts. The day started out with Nicole, Casey, Kyle and I...and Rob, Meg, and Mike. Two very separated groups. Rob was flirting with Meg. It was obvious. (as flirting is) I was kinda glad because I thought maybe they'd hit it off. She was hitting on him too. Then eventually, I watched Meg tell Nicole that she liked Mike...and then I harassed Mike for hitting on Meg, and slowly, it turned into Nicole, Casey, Mike, and Meg...and then Me, Kyle, and Rob. Casey was throwing a pity party. Nicole was being sympathy queen. Mike and Meg come back after riding a coaster...and they're holding hands. They'd known each other maybe a few hours...well hell, he proposed to me...2 or 3 days after he freaking met me. He's all about the chase. An opportunist. And I can't believe I actually thought he really liked me. Like he was so blinded by passion that he couldn't help but to make such grand gestures. Well, I was wrong. He's just another lame jerk who thought he was gonna get some. Ya...He came up to me and said, "I really think you and Kyle are the cutest thing I've ever seen." UGH! What is that? Is that...BULLCRAP! I think it is. And so I told him that it wasn't helping his situation. And that I'd talk to him later. That never happened. So I e-mailed him last night. Boy...I think I said some of the meanest things I've ever said in my life in that message. Anyhow, for the rest of that night...we just segregated ourselves. Rob rode home with Kyle and I because he said he didn't want to watch Mike and Meg flirt for 2 hours. I don't blame him. He was pretty bitter about the whole thing too. Because he said that he and Meg had been together on the 4th, and he thought there was potential.
~Don't be a liar. Don't say that everything's working when everything's broken. and you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the jokes on me.~
Mainly in the mail I sent to Mike, I wanted him to known that he needs to learn how to judge the intensity of his feelings. Because if he didn't feel as strongly about me as he said he did, then he shouldn't have said it. One thing I can't stand more than anything...are liars. And that's what I feel like he's done to me. And honestly, I don't care if he and Meg hit it off. I knew it would happen. (I'm sure that won't surprise him. I tend to predict the future often) Good for them. And I also know that it's not my place to warn her about his past...or his fickle disposition. He's ridiculous. And treats people poorly. That's what I've learned in my own experience. And I'll leave it to anyone else who meets him to make their own conclusions on his character. But just for the record, I'm through.
~there's nothing left for me to say. It never meant much anyway. It always helps to forget how to be yourself... realize that your understanding this...understanding that you're all alone.~
On another note...I'm sunburned. And it itches. But I'll be hella tan in a few days. And Kim says that's what a tattoo feels like. So I don't think I'm so scared to get one now. But I still don't have the cash. And probably won't for quite awhile. Huh...ya, my great promotion that I've been making big plans for, may just fall through now. Because I'm still not 20. And that's the only thing holding me back from being promoted. Kim posted the open AM position today. Damn. I have to talk to Rodney tomorrow. Which sucks. Rodney, the big DM, if that's not intimidating...try being turned down once for the job by him before. So I have to prepare a big sermon tonight. To convince to give me the job. I need it! PLEEEEZE! It's so pathetic. Retail sucks. It really really sucks. But I need money. Whether I like it or not, I do. And it's the only thing that's driving me toward this right now. I don't know if I'd work so hard for something if I didn't need the money. Anyhow, I need to stop staring at this screen. It's giving me a headache. Just thinking about all this crap is causing brain pain. We'll see if I update again this month. I doubt it. Too busy slaving at the mall.
~I hate these eyes that noticed you.~
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