07-22-00 Saturday (dedicated to depression)


This day...has been hell. I don't know why. I can't nail it down to one specific thing. It's been a bunch of little things that just...set me off. It was fine. I got up...Didn't feel all that great. I've been tired ALL day. So I decided that it was honorary sit on my butt and watch tv all day...day. Ya. Thinking about Nicole being gone for the rest of the weekend. And about how I feel bad when I talk to James. Because Andrew is usually the big topic of discussion. And I feel bad when I go over there anymore. Because I can't pin down the reasons why I do. Ok. James is a good friend. We're usually BOTH bored. But when I go over there...Andrew is there...or something. I don't know. It just makes me feel like I'm being manipulative. I hate that. I honestly don't think about it. I just use people. Without knowing that I'm doing so. Anyhow. So I went out to get a bit of sun. I don't know what my freak problem is...but my legs are taking forever to tan. I JUST started to notice a little color. Right...I came back in...and while waiting for the washer to finish...James called.

~I wish for you on a falling star...wondering where you are. And do I ever cross your mind in the warm sunshine?~

The first thing he said was, "Guess who I just talked to." and I'm like, "who" and he said, "guess" and I'm like, "no really...who?" and he goes, "long flowing hair...khaki shorts." He talked to Mr. Hottiepants. I guess he was making his rounds...and stopped by James house. He's like, "Audrey answered the door, and I'm like, 'no way'" He thought about saying, 'so uh, you're a book salesman from N. Carolina...we've got a nome for you around here...HOTTIEPANTS!' That would have been hilarious. But James said he refrained from mentioning me. Cause he thought I'd kill him. He talked to him for like 15 minutes...and says he's coming back on Monday. He also took back the things he said about him before...he said that Hottiepants isn't so bad close up. And he's a pretty nice guy. That cracks me up. So if a weathered gentleman with long blonde hair comes to your door on a red mountain bike...it's just Mr. Hottiepants. Look out! He's coming!

~You broke the set now there's...there's only singles. There's no looking back and this time I mean it.~

Can someone tell me the purpose of Joe C? You know...the midget in Kid Rock's "band". I mean. I'm watching them perform...and he just walks around. Occasionally saying things. But most of the time he watches the musicians play and trots around like he owns the place. I don't know. Maybe Kid Rock decided that his "all American" band HAD to have a midget. It's not American without the midgets.

~Oh I'm just a girl. Guess I'm some kinda FREAK cause they all sit and stare with their eyes.~

and speaking of James...(ok, that topic ended awhile ago. but I needed some sort of transition right.) anyhow, he and Andrew were going to the rib cook off at the fairgrounds tonight. I told him to stop by when they were done...cause I live out by the fairgrounds. (not as close as others...but it would be on their way home) it's 8:30pm now. I guess they're NOT coming. I kind of wish they were. I need some sanity. (wait a tick...no. I won't say it) I need someone other than those in this house. Because they're driving me insane. I went to Kewpee with mom. And she threw a fit about the things I wanted on my cheeseburger. It's MY food! I have to eat it. I'm sorry that the things I like on my burger are too many for you to list. So she ordered EVERYTHING on it. I did NOT ask for EVERYTHING! There are quite a few things under that heading that make me physically ill. Why couldn't she just say lettuce, pickle, mayonaise, and ketchup? I don't want olives. I don't want tomato or onion. I don't want mustard! but that's what I got. *sigh* Then she got all pissed. I didn't even say anything about it. But she's all, "I can't do anything right. Not even order food for you! I knew I should have just gone to the market and cooked something. But I can't do that right either!" For cryin' out loud! Then we get home...she's slamming things around in the kitchen. Dad walks in and cue the famous quote. "What's wrong NOW!" It's always that, or if he thinks he did something to piss you off it's, "what did I do NOW!" or when he's speaking to me (yes, this one is reserved for only me) "What's YOUR problem?" Anyhow. That pissed her off even more. So I decided that was the perfect time for my exit.

~Don't speak, cause I know what you're sayin' and I don't need your reasons. Don't tell me cause it hurts.~

They wonder why I sit back here (in the "back room", as it's been dubbed) With the door shut, the tv on mute, and my playlist from napster blaring No Doubt or Papa Roach. I can't stand stupid bickering. I can't stand the sound of my brother's voice. Especially when he's yelling at the Nintendo 64. Usually I'm drowning out the sound of them fighting. But it's been curiously quiet. (You know...I've found new respect for Metallica. It's loud. So I've turned up I Disappear. It's on MTV right now. I still don't agree with the whole Napster thing. But oh well.) Anyhow. yes...I still wish James and Andrew would stop in. Even though it's almost 9pm. Bah!


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