07-01-01 Sunday

~Heart is on the floor. Why don't you step on it.~

I'm beginning to get a headache. But I'm going to ignore it. At least for as long as it takes to finish this entry. Because this is important. For those of you that didn't know, I've been gone for a week. (Since Tuesday the 26th) and I JUST got back today. I was at the LIFE 2001 conference in Columbus. (for those of you who don't know what that is, it's a huge convention where kids from all over come and worship God and meet new people and listen to speakers and just bathe in God's grace. It's truly an amazing experience.) So this is my LIFE story. It's long. But I suppose that it'll make up for the lack of entries last month. I'm terrible with updating. Hopefully I'll get back on track.

~All my songs are for You. You're the one I sing to and all my strength is in You. You're the one I cling to and all my hope is in You. You're the one I'm running to.~

I originally planned on going to LIFE and spending time with people that I love. And getting to know new people. Mainly the ones who were coming with our group that I've never really talked to much before. I didn't plan on growing as close as I have with God. And I definitely didn't plan on meeting Mike. Let me start with Tuesday when we got to Columbus. We got there that afternoon and Nicole and I settled in to our room with Kathy (one of the 4 adults that went with us). We found out that only the rooms with adults could have the telephone on. Which was cool. Cause I'd gotten a phone card so I could call home every night and talk to Kyle. We went to the Nationwide Arena, NA is what I'll call it, (big hockey arena where we had service and all the big name concerts) For our opening service. It was awesome. We filled half of the place. 10,000 students screaming and worshipping Christ all around you...it's so amazing. Anyhow, everything was cool, except we found out that somehow our registration forms had been misplaced, and so we went through a whole ordeal to find them and get registered. Instead of sticking around and going to the Convention Center, I'll call it CC, we went back to our hotel and get settled and get to bed early so we could all get up early the next morning. (ya, I had to get up at 6am everyday...) So we got back and I did my devotions. Everything was pretty tame at this point.

~Did you feel the mountains tremble? Did you feel the ocean roar?~

The next morning, we got up and went to the arena for morning service. The band that lead all of our worship (opened and closed both morning and evening service) was All Together Seperate. Throughout the week, they went from this band I'd never heard of to this band that's got to be one of my favorites now. So service was always awesome. We left there and went to the CC. This is when we finally got registered. The thing about my registration was...I signed up to help work. Which was a stupid thing to do. Cause Jon and I went upstairs to get our assignments. And found out that we had to help run the huge inflatable toys in the big room at the CC. This room was where we ate and hung out the CC is also where all of the littler bands played and where all the seminars were. Anyhow, we got our jobs, and had to go back downstairs and find this guy named Scott who was in charge of all the games. We found him, and he trained us to run the inflatable wall climbing thing. So Jon roped himself up to people (the safety so to speak) and made sure no one hurt themselves while climbing up and down this wall. I had to put all the people in their harnesses. Which was cool cause I got to talk to people and this is where I realized that there were people from EVERYWHERE there. It was crazy. Scott came back and let us go on break. So we got an hour off. To chill. We'd worked that game for 2 hours already. So when Scott put us back to work, he trained us to run the sumo wrestling game. For three hours, Jon and I got to suit people up (once you're in a sumo suit, you're for the most part, helpless. So we had to help them up...which involved a lot of hard work. I was so sore the next day.) It was hilarious though. And if my body hadn't asked me to stop, I would have done that all day. I had kids doing all sorts off crazy things. Funny sumo faces and flexing their sumo muscles. Not once but twice I had a sumo land on top of me. The first time it happened, it was some girl. I helped her up, and the momentum was too much. She got up and I flew back, and she fell right back down on top of me. But instead of helping me, Jon busted out his camera and took pictures. We had a constant crowd of not only potential sumo-ers but just people who couldn't help but laugh at our antics. It was so funny. Once we finished there, we ate supper and headed over to the arena. Service...then back to the hotel.

~Open up the doors and let the music play. Let the streets resound with singing.~

The next day...Thursday...we just fooled around. I decided not to work. I was in so much pain fron all the strain I'd put on my body the day before. Instead, I went to 3 seminars. Almost fell asleep during the first two. Then we went to lunch. After lunch we hit another seminar which was actually good. I think that's when we had to be back for something. Had supper...then went to the arena for evening service. Somehow things got crazy, and the group got split up. A bunch of us had saved seats...but Kip didn't want to sit there, and they'd found other seats. So I got stuck sitting next to Mike. Now I hadn't really talked to him at all before. Mostly because he's Jason's friend...and Jason has never been especially nice to me. I don't know what it is about Jason. He's just totally closed off. And when he does talk to you, you feel like you're being insulted. Or at least I did. So when I first saw Mike, Tuesday before we left...I didn't figure I'd talk to him at all. You could already see the seperation between the clicks in our group. I think Thursday night was the big breaking point for that. Anyhow, we talked a bit about this girl he'd met. And I tried to help him spot her. Even though there's 10,000 kids...It really isn't that hard to find someone. Nicole and I had talked to this guy Chad the first night at service, and we saw him quite a few times later on in the week. He was pretty cool. So Nicole and I were up to our usual funny stuff, and we had Mike in on it. Laughing and singing...it was cool. Well...while the speaker was talking...I was just sitting there. Paying attention. And I noticed that Mike was leaning in closer to me. And I had my arm on the rest between us. He brushed my arm with his. And I think he moved away a little. Then I felt his finger touch my hand. At first I thought it may have been an accident. So I ignored it. Then Nicole whispered to me. I think we had it figured out at this point. I had decided earlier that I was going back to the hotel early (we split into 3 groups at night. One to the hotel, one to the big concert and one to the CC) and Nicole was staying for the concert. Mike said he was going to stay for the concert, but when he found out that I was going back, he changed his mind. We went back to the hotel. The whole way to the van, and the whole way back we played a little game called "get to know each other". He asked all kinds of questions. And we answered. I had mentioned having a boyfriend during service to Nicole. I thought it had been loud enough for Mike to hear. Obviously it wasn't. And it didn't help that I had this huge class ring hanging around my neck. We got back...and he went to McDonalds. So I figured it (the game) was over. I went to my room, and called my house to say hello to my mommy. Found out that Kyle was there switchign the stuff from my old car to my new car. (I forgot to mention that I got a new car the day before we left. It's totally awesome. But I'll talk about that later) So half way through my conversation with my mother, Mike kicked the door open and offered me this ice cream thing from McD's. He sat himself in the doorway (no guys in girls rooms without adult rule) while I talked to Kyle. So I was a little on edge. It was weird. Cause Nicole and I had talked about how we found all these guys attractive. It started out with her just saying, "he's hot...check him out" then finally she got me to agree that Morton is cute, and Jason has pretty hair and Jason's friend Mike was pretty hot. I felt bad. I'd been talking to this guy. This really good looking guy who was sweet and nice and opened up and told me so much about his struggle. We talked about how I do have a boyfriend. And that was when things got hairy. Because he had to admit to me that he was very interested. And both of us kind of flipped out. This was about the time everyone got back. So we went outside and walked around the building and talked about it. I think I was overly excited to actually find out that this guy...thought I was attractive and liked me for the same reasons Kyle does. Because guys don't usually open up like that. I was surprised. And didn't know how to react.

~Open the eyes of my heart Lord. Open the eyes of my heart. I want to see You.~

The next day, he sat next to me once again. Or in fron tof me I don't remember. But we hung out the whole day...with Nicole...it was a lot of fun. Instead of hanging out at the CC after we had lunch, we went to Easton Market. Which is like a huge outdoor/indoor mall/shopping strip in mid Columbus. We were told to go witness to people and to shop. So we went to the Virgin mega store. And hung out. Then to Barnes and Noble. I love Barnes and Noble. There's a new Neil Gaiman book that just came out. I wanted to get it so bad. But it was only hardback...and that was like 26 bucks. I ended up upstairs...and I'd sat down next to the cliff notes. Mike came over and sat down in the chair in front of me. Now he'd been hitting on me all day. And we'd made fun of him for attempting to hold my hand at service the other night. (which he admitted) But I wasn't expecting him to do what he did. He read me this love poem by Pablo Nerudo. It was awfully sweet. And it hurt so much. Because he was just...too good to be true. I didn't think that there were gusy like that out there. So when he got up to put the book away (or so I thought. He went to buy it) I took off back downstairs. I talked to Kyle R. about it. And he gave me some advice. Because I noticed that I was weighing both Kyle and Mike. I was trying to figure out which was better. And it was so hard. Cause I know Kyle. He's good to me. And I do love him. But he's not a Christian. And he's so young. I don't expect him to understand. And I've tried to be patient. Then Mike...he's too sweet and too willing to do anything for me. But his downfall is...that I don't know him very well. I don't know where he stands on the important things like sex. (because I have that weird thing...because I'm a virgin. And I've saved that for the one I marry. I kind of hope to marry someone who's also saved that) And I have this feeling that Mike isn't a virgin. I'm not sure why. I suppose mostly because he mentioned having quite a few long relationships with girls. And I know it's been hard for me...with temptation. I don't know. Plus, he's not from Lima. He's from Mt. Vernon. Where he met Jason at college. It's like an hour and a half away. I see Kyle almost everyday. I don't know how I could ever handle being away from someone...it would be hard for me. And I've never been one to drive very far away from home. I get lost easily. So back to the Friday. We went to the indoor part of the mall. And Nicole and I found this place called Build a Bear. they have unstuffed teddy bears that you can put together and buy little clothes and accesories for. Now that I think about it...if we had one here. I'd probably think it was stupid. But it was cool. And Mike decides he's going to make a bear. Nicole and Dan also decide to make bears. I just watched. Cause I was running low in cash. And Mike had said "so which bear do we want?" So I kind of thought maybe he was serious, and he was making this bear for me. Then I thought he was joking. Eventually, once I watched him stuff it and put a heart in it (they do that there. It's really cute) they made him jump around and spin in a circle and make a wish. Then kiss the heart on both sides and put it inside the bear. It was so cute. But all this time I was thinking how awful I am. For even liking this guy. For straying from Kyle and letting myself get attached to Mike. While Nicole is all, "hey if I were you, I'd feel pretty awesome. You've got two hot guys who want you badly." I asked her opinion on what I should do. And I couldn't believe it. But she said that in her opinion, Mike was the best choice. Not because she doesn't like Kyle. She loves Kyle. But she's gone through a situation where her beliefs clashed with her boyfriend's. And it hurt. And the more and more I think about it. I don't know how I could have expected Kyle to understand or to be ready for the Christian lifestyle that I'm currently leading. So Mike gave me the bear. He named it Pablo. Remember the author of the poetry book. And it was too much. I was completely upset by the gesture. But I was floored by it. Guys DO NOT do these sorts of things for girls like me. Especially me in particular. So I felt bad. Because it was his money wasted. So I went to this stand we'd passed earlier and bought him a necklace with a blownglass cross that has a piece of rice in it that says Pablo. We had to meet at this fountain outside. So we went out. And watched the boys play in the water. Silly boys. Soaking wet...when they had to climb back in the vans and go to supper and service. I gave Mike the necklace on the way to the vans. He wasn't expecting it at all. And Nicole told me later that he was really...happy about it. We ate together. And sat together at service. I don't remember what else happened that night. But Saturday...yesterday...was the worst. We had morning service. And he tried to hold my hand all day. We'd been passing notes. Him telling me that he can't stop thinking about me. And me telling him that I'm totally confused and I don't know what to say. We had lunch at the CC and I got in line to get pictures of All Together Seperate with Marissa. He, Nicole, and Jesse (kid who followed Mike around all day) stood in line with us after the Lost and Found show. The rest of the group had gone back to the hotel so once we made it through the line, we had supper, and then Mike decided to attempt another act of embarassment to win my heart. He pulled me out in the middle of the floor in front of a large group of people eating supper. Then read me another love poem, and sang You Are so Beautiful To Me in his pretend southern accent thing. Then he busts out this ring (Nicole's) and proposes to me. It was ridiculous. But I couldn't stop laughing. It was the only way I could keep myself from bawling. Once this episode was over, he and I went for a talk. It was hard to tell him the truth about how I feel. That I do like him a lot. But timing was bad. and I can't cheat on Kyle. I can't hurt Kyle. And this is already breaking his heart. I'd called him the night before and told him what was going on. Needless to say, he wasn't so happy about it. So I'd thought we came to an understanding. I was wrong. That night at service, he finally got his way and held my hand. For a split second, cause Nicole ripped it away from him. She "saved" me. He'd been trying really hard with every charming thing he could think of. And it took everything to keep myself under control. After service, we stayed for the ATS concert. And Nicole took off with Will to see how close they could get to the stage. So it was me and Mike. And that was cool. Until he looks at me and says, "I've got a great idea for a picture." He gave me his camera and pointed it between us. Then he took my face and turned it so I was facing him and said "you know what the other half should be right?" I looked him in the eyes for what felt like forever. And then let the camera loose and took his face with my other hand and said, "I can't cheat on my boyfriend. I can't cheat. I can't. I can't." I gave the camera back. And that was it. Or so I thought. After the show, he gave me a huge hug and said, "thank you for being strong". We went back to the hotel. And didn't really see much of each other the rest of the night. I did my devotions. My last ones...took a shower...and went to bed. This morning, we got up late. Which made me glad I'd had a shower the night prior. And we made the hike back to Lima. Mike...decided to ride in our van on the way back. So I sat next to him the whole time. We had a big fig fight. And we all switched information. e-mail, and phone numbers. Nicole invited him to Cedar Point. And he mentioned coming here for the 4th. Cause I was complaining to Nicole that Kyle was going to be gone over the 4th. He told me he wasn't giving up. And he'd call and harass me all the time. It's cool. Because I want to keep in touch. He's a good guy. A little pushy. But I have a strong will.

~If you could only see the way her eyes can be when she says, when she says she loves me.~

So we got back and I found my mommy had gone to church this morning. Which is absolutely awesome. And I introduced her to Mike. weird. Then we escaped and I went to see Kyle at work. He's leaving today for Tennesee. He took his break. And we went outside and sat. We talked. We cried again. And it's terrible. I feel sick to my stomach. Cause I know in his mind, I may as well have already broken up with him. He's hardened his heart. And he's pissed that Nicole invited Mike to Cedar Point. And he's pissed that he might come on the 4th. Cause now he has to worry about what I'm doing while he's gone. And when I looked him in the eyes...it just wasn't the same. I told him that. That it's strange now. But he said he can't stop loving me. And that he's going to go to church. And he's been praying and reading his Bible. I don't know. I just don't know. I guess ultimately, I'm waiting for God to tell me what's right. I'd rather be alone. I'd rather be hurting alone than hurting others along with myself. It's too much. But this trip has given me more than stress and funny times and stories. It gave me a passion for Christ. Listening to God's word all day everyday is awesome. And I think that heaven is going to be a lot like LIFE. Some guy said that if life were more like LIFE, than life would be a whole lot better. And he's right.

Thank you God for
giving me the chance
to share these experiences
and to listen to You and live
like You. Please speak through me.
Use me as a tool to spread your awesome
word Lord. Help me find the answers. And direct
my path God. I want to live for you here like I did in
Columbus. In Your Son's name, Amen.

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