07-01-00 Saturday Morning...3am


I archived. I'll leave a link at the bottom in case you missed anything. I have...a lot of information. Personal information that I sometimes think may not be suitable for an on-line journal. But I enjoy knowing that people understand me better through it. So I'll do it anyway. Even though it was only a few hours ago, I'll refer to it as last night...I found the balls to page Andrew...my excuse, was that he dropped his sunglasses in my driveway. I thougt he did. Seriously. My cousin found them when we got back from the mall today. I had almost demolished them with my car. Anyhow, I paged him around 10:30. He calls back...at closer to 11. I caught him at work...unfortunately...he had been cleaning grease out of some grease thingy...(sorry, I'm a girl.) but he said he'd go home, find out if he could stop by, and take a quick shower...then call me. He called around midnight...but I told him to go ahead and come over anyway. When he finally showed up, James was with him...I don't exactly know the story there...but I don't think he really stopped at home. I think he went to James house, and used him as an excuse to be out past curfew. Anyhow, they goofed around for awhile. I let James read another poem...he seems unusually interested in my poetry...but ya. by this point, I figured the trip was a bust. The glasses belonged to James...I was wrong. but he got them back. Andrew's mother paged him...and he's like, "I'm in trouble now." but he comes over to me, and I'm like, "you better go. I don't want you to get in trouble." but he's like, "is there anything else you want to talk about???" so I said, "nothing that can't wait." but he wasn't satisfied with that. He insisted that we talk. So I said, "well, you already know that I like you...I mean...what else is there?" and he's like, "well it's better to hear that from you then from him" he pointed to James who was sitting in the car with the stereo on...

~You are the face, that Heaven showed me. When I needed someone, someone to love~

We talked mainly about how he can't get past the "You're my cousin's ex-girlfriend" thing. Which frustrates me. Don't get me wrong, it IS weird. and I've ignored it, because I know where James and I stand as friends. But Andrew says...he understands that James and I don't mind it so much. but it still bothers him. He also explained that he DID like me. When I was working with his sister, and even when I was going out with James. But when we broke up, he had to write me off because of some unspoken rule. How anyone can turn off feelings is beyond me. Maybe only boys have that magic "off" switch.

~I'm loathing most of your history~

He also seems to think I'm a BIG flirt, and that I flirt with James, and all of my other guy friends. But they're just my friends. I suppose only we can understand that...I guess, guys that I'm comfortable with, I can be myself, and punch them, and wrestle...and ya, that may seem like flirting. But it's only because I'm comfortable with my feelings, and I trust myself around them. Now, guys that I DO like...I get all flustered around. and I feel...less talkative. Because I'm not sure of the comfort level, and I don't trust myself. It's strange. He says I'm not like any other girl he's gone out with. Because most of my friends are guys, and I'm loud...He says, he doesn't see himself with someone like me. Which made me jump to the conclusion that he only sees himself with "Barbie". That offended him. He claims that it's not about looks for him...he said, "even though you're beautiful." AHHHHH! c'mon now! he's turning me down and complimenting me at the same time. He has a hard time trusting girls because he's been cheated on quite a bit...understandable. But I can't believe he could write me off like that. He's caught up on the stupid Dan thing...(how I dumped James for Dan or whatever) I didn't dump James for Dan. I just didn't want to do anything I'd regret...like CHEAT on him! That's complicated. and he mentioned seeing Danny at the Y today..."trying" to work out. Which cracks me up cause Danny used to wrestle...and I'm sure he knows how to throw his weight around. But it seemed like Andrew was looking for some sort of reaction...
WHY does everyone seem to think I still want Danny???
Yes, I love Danny. But it's a different kind of love. I can't explain that...I HAVE to love him. But we love each other as friends...almost brotherely sisterly...because we went through some really tough times together...and I struggled so much with him. He was a learning experience, and I know that...but now, he's a different Danny. and I DO love him. I always will. but it's more like, my kids (if I ever have kids) would call him "Uncle Danny". Do you know what I mean???

~Back looking back, looking back at me. I'm not how I used to be.~

I'm not hung up on anyone BUT Andrew right now. And that's how it is with me. I find someone, and pursue them until I'm totally turned down. He doesn't understand. But we did come to an agreement. We're keeping things the way they are...as friends. And we'll see what happens from here. I tried to explain the only reason there are "things" now is because I've manipulated situations. I asked him, "Do you really think we just happened to be seeing more of each other lately???" and he's like, "I don't want to tell you to stop trying...but I don't want you to wait." which pisses me off. cause he's basically saying, we'll be friends, and you can keep liking me, but we'll have to see if those old feelings resurface...I told him to just rip my heart out and stomp on it. Because otherwise, there's still a glimmer of a chance that we could end up together, so I'll strive for that and suffer in silence...waiting...until he tells me to leave him alone. Like I did with Danny. Which was wrong.

~fulfillment just adds fuel to the flames~

I don't want him to...run into someone else...and start a relationship just because she's quiet and never went out with James. It's ridiculous. I'm being so selfish. I'm not even thinking about him...and his feelings. He may have already found someone else...but I think he would have told me...he doesn't seem like the type to...flat out lie about something like that...plus...he has no time. I know what he's done the past few days...and it consists a lot of working out, and a lot of just plain work. I can't believe I'm letting ymself jump to these conclusions. Because when he left...and gave me a hug...It really seemed like he does like me...he just has so many...doubts??? hang ups??? I don't know.

~and to make this real, I need to have you here, it can't be sincere unless you spend time here.~

He asked if I was mad. No. I said I was disappointed, but he didn't believe me. That's my hang up. I DON'T LIE!!! Especially not about how I feel. ya. So we're carrying on as friends. but I'm holding the long straw. Which means, I have to pull strings to be around him...I don't know. Maybe it won't be as hard as I think it will. I just wish this was easier. I wish he didn't have to struggle with himself. I wish I could stop being so selfish. I wish I could curl up and forget it all. No. I don't. I want to feel this way. I'm struggling...

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