I am ready...I am fine...


07-19-03

~Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me. Not that easy...~

Ugh, I've been asleep all day. I just couldn't wake up. I suppose it would be my own damn fault. First of all, I went to TJ's again last night. Laurie, Steve and I all went over there. Mainly because Laurie really enjoys playing eucre and nobody else around her place does except Steve. 2 people don't make a game...so ya, we went over there and we played cards. Don't get me wrong now, I don't mind playing cards. But it's starting to get pretty damn annoying. Everyone else knows how to play the game properly except for me. And no one is willing to be patient and teach me how. Instead, they all poke fun at my stupid mistakes. Mostly TJ because he was my partner. This is exactly why I gave up trying to learn the damn game a long time ago. Back when we used to hang out at Nate's and play...in high school. I never had any fun because I didn't know how. Usually, I'm competative when it comes to things like that. But I just shut down after awhile. I don't know. It just pissed me off. It got to the point where Laurie was like, "I sense some tension between the two of you." (meaning TJ and I) then to be funny, she said "sexual tension". I have no idea how it got turned around but someone said something about me having sex with him and I made the "ya, right" face. Then he said, "I don't like the face that you just made." and so I said, "what face? Oh you mean the one that was like, 'ya like I'd EVER fuck you'?" It just wasn't pretty. But what can you do? He put me in a horrible mood and so I just turned on the super biotch mode. The one good thing about the evening was when he quasi-apologized for flipping out on me over the phone the other day. He said he didn't mean to but he was trying to get me to come over because that guy Jeff who was there the last time has a huge crush on me. So Jeff wanted me to come over. That was absolutely hilarious because Laurie and I totally called it as soon as we had walked out the door that night. His less than smooth flirting was the topic of conversation on the way home. Well, the whole night was full of strange situations like that. So we talked about how things like that always happen when the two of us are together. It was funny. And honestly, he's not my type. Okay, I'm being superficial. I don't really know the guy. He seemed to be pretty normal. Normal just doesn't cut it for me. I've noticed that every relationship I've had since coming home hasn't been normal. I mean, I can't even put words to whatever that was with TJ. Then whatever it was with Ben...it was stupid. And Jesse was just totally off the wall. What I could probably use right now is just a normal dating relationship. But I don't want anything to do with relationships at all. Something inside is telling me to forget about it all together. Mainly because I need to get my life back on track before I try and drag someone else into the situation. But also because...I don't even want any part in anything that I'm not sure of. I don't want to doubt anymore. I don't want anything to do with something that's not meaningful or long term. It's not logical. Those things don't just appear out of thin air. But...I can't accept flaws anymore. I've had enough fucked up relationships within the last year for 3 lifetimes. I don't want to end up on Jerry Springer someday so I've cut myself off. That's kind of why I decided not to hang out with Laurie and the gang tonight. She called a little while ago and invited me to come with them over to this guy who works with Steves house. Laurie, Steve, Nicole, Casey, Bill, and his girlfriend were all going swimming. I bailed because...well, I'm tired of being the extra wheel and I'd been watching sappy romantic comedies for 5 hours straight. I knew it would only end badly. I'd get bored or pissed off because I was the only single loser there. I'd get tired of watching everyone being all cute with their respective significant others...come home and fume for hours before breaking down and writing pages of horribly sad and tragic poetry. Yes...single sucks for me. I feel terrible about myself everyday. But eventually, I'll get past this. Eventually, I'll be back at the place where I was before. Happy and comfortably in love...someday.

~When I wake up, and the day begins, will I hold my breath and count to 10? Or will it be 3? We'll see, we'll see. It depends on which day of the week.~

After being picked on last night for my lack of card game skills, I came home and watched Jay and Silent Bob strikes back with my little brother. Unfortunately, that movie reminds me of Tim and Doug. It was on heavy rotation at their apartment. They used to recite the words religiously. It cracked me up. So I watched it with Matt, and we did the same thing. Recited the idiotic lines back and forth slapping each other a high five here and there. It was ridiculous yet funny...and put me into a much better mood. Half way through the video, I decided to make pasta. At 4am, I was boiling spaghetti and tossing it against the wall to see if it was done. Left several noodles stuck there just because I thought it was funny. Then, when the movie was over, I came back in here to go to bed. But I wasn't tired. So instead, I grabbed a bottle of baby powder and cooked up the devious idea to "antique" my brother. I ran back there and doused him in powder. We both laughed our asses off...then he sprayed the powder on me. I grabbed my boxing gloves...and it turned into an all out war. We took several pictures of the aftermath. Which are quite entertaining. I'll upload them and put them in here in a minute. It was a ton o' fun. Just reminds me how much I love my little brother. But...we made a huge mess in the kitchen. Powder all over the floor. Obvious powder covered foot prints all through the house...so we decided to leave it until the morning. We'd explain ourselves and clean it up. Not 10 minutes after I came in to go to bed, there was a massive crash in the kitchen. Well, it woke up mom, and we all went out there to investigate. Her big pastic cabinet full of magazines and catalogs had buckled under all of the weight and finally fell over. I thought Matt and I had made a mess. Ugh. So I helped her clean up. She pulled the spaghetti off of the wall and I swept the floor. It was all worth it though. *sigh* good times. good times.

~Love is a brittle madness.~

Yup, so I'm gonna post those pictures and then waste some time because I'm not tired. It's only midnight and I slept all day. Who knows what I'll do. I may take another one of my long and lonesome candlelit bubble baths. Or I may get started on remodeling the kitchen. Goodnight.

~there's fear in the truth at hand...~


Matt's powdered wig.


Powder Face!


When powder attacks!!!


You've heard of baking powder, even baby powder. Well this is boxing powder!


This would be Matt doing his "lion face". It's from Jay and Silent Bob.


and this is my lion face...not very attractive.


And Matt's "lemon face"...


And this is what Matt thought we should do if mom asked what happened.

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