07-18-00 Tuesday (1:12am)


This has been...a day. I have a job!!! Jim called from Check Into Cash today and said I finally have a job. But I don't start for awhile. So I have time to settle everything at the college. I'm so ready to start school and work. Mostly because I haven't done crap the past few weeks. But that was because James was gone. He left...and I sat at home for 2 weeks. It's terrible. But he's back now. He called yesterday just to tell me. I was the first person he called when he got back... I find that strange. But I guess his girlfriend is off at flag camp...Right...anyhow. Moving on

~If only I had the guts to feel this way. and if only you'd look at me and you'd want to stay.~

So I went shopping with mommy today. On HER turf...the craft stores. It wasn't so bad. I got a few necklaces. I bought one for Nicole (sorry Nicole...I'll explain later) I also found the most remarkable things. These "cd posters"?!?! It's like a snap together kit that you hang on the wall. You can make different shapes...and then slide all of your cd cases in it. So it looks like a big collage of cd covers. They're awesome. So I got two kits. (each holds 24 cases) and I put them together. One in the shape of a regular poster, and the other in the shape of a cross. They're so awesome. But I still have a ton of cd's left over. I need two or three more of these poster thingys. (it's late...you can put up with my silly garble and misspelled words) So ya. Anyhow. I called James once I'd finished with my arts and crafts. He and the boys (boys = Goo and Andrew) had plans for a big sleepover. Once Andrew got off of work, he was supposed to pick up James...and then drive to Goo's. I think they were planning on swimming. I mentioned it being taco night...and James who is always hungry wimpered...and told me to bring him food. But I said no. I'm out of gas. So why don't you boys stop here and get food yourself. James of course, thinking with his tummy, thought it was an excellent idea.

~I want you to surrender~

They didn't show up until 12:30. I'm sitting in my room and there was a rap rap rapping on my bedroom window. (Shades of Poe) I open the curtains...and no...It wasn't the raven...James laughs. haha funny! PUNK! It scared the crap out of me. But I fed them. Happily. I really enjoy making those boys happy. It's just nice to feel useful. We ended up in my room. I HAD to show them my lovely new prize! (the cd posters) James decides to put on all of my jewelry...and stole Nicole's new necklace. Thank heavens he didn't see the book. Anyhow...we moved back into the living room...then they left. Thanking me for the food...it was nice. Hahaha then they asked if I'd cook for them everyday. Ya! right! Not that I'd mind the company. Then they're like, "every other day???" haha it was funny. Then they're like, "so what time do you want us to be here for breakfast?" They of course were joking...but I said I'd make pancakes. So I guess they're coming back at 9 tomorrow morning. sigh it's...sad really. I don't even want to comment on my feelings this evening. I've come to one conclusion. I WAS right. And I'm getting frustrated about it. I don't want to be right. But it's so obvious it hurts. I don't want to say anything. I HATE hurting feelings. UGH! WHY??? sigh. Damn It's SO not what I wanted and not what I need right now. I need settled relationship. I need security. Something solid. Something worth living for. I thought that was Andrew. Maybe it was. But he didn't agree. (I'm moping again) sigh it sucks. and I'm not satisfied with empty emotions. (for James that means...I'm not happy with liking him and him not liking me) I almost think the me cooking for them is really me trying to work my way into Andrew's heart. It won't work. I don't expect it to. If everything else fails, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Right! I've never tried it before. I've tried buying them things. Buying love doesn't work.

~Are you happy now? Oh you're by yourself. All by yourself. You've got no one else. You're by yourself~
It saddens me. I'm sad. And there's nothing I can do to make it better. There's nothing anyone can do really. I went after someone WAY out of my league. I deserve rejection. But he's so sweet about it. That's not fair. It's a double edged sword. Cause it makes me want him more. GRRR! Yes! How pitiful. He turns me down...and now I want him more than before. right...(Jamed says he's sexy! and he wanted me to tell the world. They all claim to be sexy. They say it all the time. It really makes me wonder...they even call each other sexy.) Anyhow. Now that I got my chance to whine about Andrew...Complain about...knowing things that just shouldn't be going on...and I've even called James sexy...I think my work is done.

~Don't speak. I know what you're thinking and I don't need your reasons. Don't tell me cause it hurts.~

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