Can't fight the funk


07-17-04

(a tid bit from: You can sin or spend the night all alone 7/14/04...the latest notebook journal entry)

In Charlotte's terms, it takes half the time you were together to get over your last relationship. Today is officially the one month anniversary of the break up. So I'm officially half way to recovery. It took a bit to accept the inevitable. Yes, it was upsetting at first to think I'm one more X closer to the next. I didn't want it to be true. Accepting the fact that he lost whatever it was that we had together then wasting hours, days and weeks trying to get him to find it back only made me realize A: If he doesn't have it now, he probably never had it to begin with. B: He made me so jealous and overprotective...if he really did want to be with me, I definately would have known and wouldn't have felt so less than wanted. C: When I had it, it was too easy. So when he took it away, it became something of a challenge. This conjurs the ultimate question: Why is it that we always want something more when we can't have it?

~So that's what you call a get away? Well tell me what ya got away with. Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish. I've seen more guts in eleven year old kids. So have another drink and drive yourself home. I hope there's ice on all the roads and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when your head goes through the windshield.~

Right now, more than anything, I want my own place. The idea of it seems so glamorous. A bigger space that belongs entirely to me. More walls to decorate. Room to breathe and spread my little wings. Privacy. Property. Independence. But as luck would have it (fate, past mistakes etc) I have collected a bit of debt. Basically, my money is spoken for before it even hits the bank every two weeks. Whether or not it ends up going toward the problem is a problem within itself. Between credit cards with expenses that have been gradually racking up interest from moving back and forth to CT, birthdays, Christmas's, and shop therapy for 4 years, car payments and insurance for a 1997 hunk of junk that's only worth half of what I have left to pay for it and a cell phone that's rarely used because I no longer have a social life since I work all day mostly every day just to pay for all of these frivilous, longterm commitment debts...I can't afford to give a damn let alone move out into this wonderful fantasy apartment. Point is, this fantasy is just that...a fantasy. In reality, even if I could budget enough cash, having my own place would be a nightmare. First of all, it would be a waste. All that space all to myself but I could never enjoy it. Nine to ten hours at work. Eight more sleeping. Leaves me with 6 or 7 hours a day. And those few hours would quickly start to dwindle when you subtract a few hours here and there at the laundromat. Then subtract several more hours considering the outrageous prices for cable and internet access. I'd have to find entertainment somewhere else. Not to mention the fact that if it's my place, I'd be responsible for keeping it tidy. Just looking at the 10X11 foot spot I claim as my own right now, that would simply be a disaster. So, in a nutshell, the only reason I want my own place is because I can't have it. Because the idea of it is so much better than the reality.

~Ladies is pimps too. Go on brush your shoulders off.~

Which is the wonderful truth to relationships. On the outside where everything is safe, they can seem quite wonderful. It's when your really involved. Once you've actually invested time and feelings into it. That's when reality sets in and you find yourself putting in a lot of hard work and coming out empty handed and quite disappointed. Maybe I'm cynical. Maybe I see things the way I do because I've never experienced the elated feeling of getting something I wanted and finding that it was actually what I wanted and not just another disappointment. end

~~

Even after the break up, all I've been is disappointed. First he tells me that it's just a break. So I was upset but hopeful. Then he decides it's better to call the whole thing off. But his reasoning was too vague. Something along the lines of, he just needed time to think things through. So I was under the assumption that we'd still be getting back together. He's quit his job and found himself bored unless he's constantly out doing something with someone. Claiming we were still going to spend time together...every attempt I made to do just that was shot down with his lists of plans he's made with everyone in the entire free world but me. He's out skating, playing golf, watching movies, swimming, playing video games and going to the bar all day everyday. It's like a 5 star restaurant where someone told me I'd be on the list but when I get there, I find my name is absent. I assumed the worst. Why wouldn't I? And gave up. It turned into a game. What will Ryan be doing when I call him this time? Finding a couple of hours here and there where I fit into his schedule. We'd argue about things and he'd explain that was his reason for staying away. So I opted for a different route. Basically thrown the towel in. I'll call every other day or hear from him. Went out to watch him skate one day where he informed me that he thinks, "You're the right person for me. It's just not the right time." This of course amplified any teensy little light of hope I'd had left. It was destroyed again not even a day later. Invited him along for a drive to St. Mary's the other day. Don't exactly know how it was brought up. But he explained that he's lonely. He's "tired of sleeping alone". How else could I respond except in defense of my own feelings. "Well don't sleep with me out of lonliness." I just can't do it anymore. He told me awhile ago that I'd take him back in a heartbeat if he offered. I denied it then even though at that point, I probably would have. But now...I've seen the reality of this relationship. Without ever placing blame on either party...going into it, it seemed like we wanted similar things. Something fun, exciting and comfortable. It was good until I saw how good it was and wanted more. I was always taught that you can't have too much of a good thing but apparently, it's a well known fact that you can't have your cake and eat it too. Thanks for letting me in on life's best kept secret.

~Is there anything worth looking for? Worth loving for? Worth lying for? Is there anything worth waiting for? Worth living for? Worth dying for?~

Unfortunately, there's a catch to all of this. As much as any break up needs space and time to recover from...I've made a huge mistake that's surpassed the completion of that circle. There's a cell phone under my name that he's kind of been paying for and using. The tie that binds is the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I can't decide whether or not I let him keep it because I want a way to contact him or because I don't want to leave him without a way to contact me. Or is it because of the $175 disconnect fee I'll end up paying for? Maybe because I just don't want to be a bitch. I can't seem to find the balls to pull the God card and say, "Well, Laura giveth, Laura taketh away." There are times when I'm okay with it. There are times when he's made me feel okay with our ridiculous situation. But there are times when he makes me feel horrible and I'm definately NOT okay with it. There are moments when I wish he'd admit to all of his bullshit and beg for my forgiveness and there are times when he's hurt me to the point where I want to hurt him back, take the phone and completely rip him out of my life. It wouldn't be so hard to pick one and stick with it if he wasn't throwing me a curve ball every other day. I might be able to decide whether or not I still love him or the guy he was 5 months ago. Why is there always a catch? Things just wouldn't be so...interesting. Which is ultimately the answer to every question I've ever asked.

~You called to say you wanted out. Well I can't say I blame you now. Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out. Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself cause now that I can see you I don't think you're worth a second glance.~


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