if you could see me now well then I'm almost finally out of words.


07-14-03

~I'm too hard at work. Have you ever heard anything so absurd ever in your life? I'm sorry for wastin' your time.~

It's happening again. Up all night writing poetry by candlelight. Ben tried poking fun at me for it. It's a proven method of mine...when I'm sad or upset, the verses that come out are much better. He's like, "oh cause you have soo much pain in your life. I bet you'd write great poetry if a bunch of horrible crap happened to you all at once." Baby, it has happened. But I wasn't really upset last night. In fact, I was in a pretty decent mood because I finally finished my 4 days worth of hard work downloading and burning the official double set of Jason Mraz live at Bogarts 6-12-03. I was listening to it, and got inspired. Sometimes his words just provoke great ideas. So I wrote a lovely poem or 3 about Tim. I'll share because I have a bit of time to kill.

~And it was time for all the wrong reasons but oh time is often on my side. I'm gonna give it to you tonight.~

Never see you again
I remember
the intensity behind
your deep brown eyes.
The way the light shined
from your rich dark hair.
Oh the way you looked
when you wore your glasses...
Like you posessed some knowledge
I never knew existed.
The beautiful smile
that will haunt my dreams
for several lifetimes.
The passion you displayed
everytime that we made love.
I can't begin to believe
that I experienced these things.
Even though
it wasn't so long ago,
it seems like
it never really happened at all.
Like I imagined
the whole damn thing.
But it was good to hear
your voice again.
I could picture your smile.
Remembered every second...
every moment spent
lost in those
underappreciated eyes.
And somewhere deep inside
it hurt to know
that's all that I have left.
The bittersweet memories
of our past.
Cause when it was good,
it was too good,
and when it was bad,
it was real bad.
It hurts to think
I'll never see you smile again
or hear you laugh.
I'll never have the chance
to prove
just how much I loved you
or how much that I still do.
And hold you closer
than I ever did.
That's something you
just can't give.

More endless ranting about Mraz:
I was on the message board last night catching up on posts that I've missed out on. Lots of complaining about how much the boards have changed since Jason's hit mainstream. The people who've been members forever are bitching about the large following of "teeny boppers" he's drawn lately. All these young girls in tube tops and caked in glitter showing up at shows and joining the boards just to confess their secret love of Mraz. "I'm gonna marry that man!" But I figured out why. Listening to this show...he's asking for it. I hate to say it but he knows what sells. He pulls every trick out of his hat to make the ladies scream. Countless mentioning of the sexy women in Ohio. Or the beautiful ladies in Cincinnati. It's the oldest trick in the book. I'm sure he does it at all of his shows. He switches up lyrics in songs just to claim that he needs to be spooned...hello! Is that not the sensitive man that every woman wants? A man who is smooth with words and who plays guitar while crooning the crowd with this amazing voice and suggesting that he's single. He knows what he's got and he knows how to sell it. The women who claim to love his music strictly for his music are full of crap if they say that's the only reason. It's just easier for all these younger girls to admit they find him attractive because it doesn't make them seem any more immature than they already are. BIG shout out to the straight guys who listen to his stuff and admit it. I'm sure they understand what Mraz is doing. They're learning a thing or two about what women want men to say to them. I love the way the music industry works. I'm happy to have met the man. A man with such talent. Just as happy as I am to know Kirsten, a wonderful writer. Laurie who is extremely supportive...the best friend I've ever had. Steve who's always good for a laugh or two. AJ, an excellent drummer, a savior, an all around good person. Andrew, a great guitar player who is absolutely hilarious. Kyle who was patient and kind as my first experience with love. Tim, also a great guitar player and my greatest lover so far. Jesse, the most talented artist I've ever met...a beautifully complicated man who's forgiving and worth having around forever. Mraz is just another one of those people who have inspired me to say and do the things I have. And damn good looking. But so is every last person I mentioned above. And oh Lord, there are more of those people. I just don't have the time to mention everyone. I know I say I hate people sometimes...but it's only out of frustration. One love baby. One love.

"I think I figured out what my problem is. I haven't been spooned in a very long time. I'll throw in an extra 5 on your paycheck if you help me out with that Toca."

Speaking of those great people that I've had the luxury of knowing...I didn't go to bed until like 9am. Laurie woke my ass up 4 and a half hours later. Called me at 1:30. Said she was coming over to pick up the accident report she left over here the other night. So after that conversation, I tried to go back to sleep but I knew I needed to get up. Then TJ called. I still don't understand his randomness. Then again, Adam does that too. But he's got a reason. He needs someone old enough to buy him booze. TJ just calls at the strangest times to invite me to his parties for no apparent reason. Honestly, I don't think I really add much to the excitement over there. I'm not the life of the party or anything. Maybe those boys just need some estrogen. They try to get a hold of as many girls as possible so their get togethers don't turn into sausage fests. That sounds logical. Would it be rude of me to ask him why? I might just do that tonight. Probably won't be there long. I asked Laurie to come with me. Not just for some company. I'd like her to witness the absurdities that I notice. So that I'm not the only crazy one. Muahahahahaha! ( <- that's what I call crazy!) I am glad that everything turned out properly with TJ. The "whatever it was" that we had didn't cause any huge drama and we can hang out and be cool without caring about whatever that was. I wish that could happen with a few other people.

~You left your thumbprint inside me now for months it seems.~

So I think I broke my second toe on my right foot. In one of my more graceful moments yesterday, I was standing on a mini-igloo cooler (my nailpolish container) reaching for a box in the back of the top shelf in my closet. It doesn't sound like the most intelligent idea now...but I stepped back with my left foot to find another box on the floor. Tripped over that. And in attempts to regain my balance with my right foot, I stepped on to my big book of cds, only to jam the metal ring that holds it together between my second and third toes...then fell onto my bed, twisting the second one in the process. It's swollen...and I've been limping ever since. What does this tell us kiddies???

Multiple choice question-
A: Laura's room is a tiny cluttered mess.
B: Don't stand on 1'x1/2' igloo coolers full of nailpolish.
C: Laura's middle name is Grace. A life long curse causing her to lack greatly in that department.
or...
D: All of the above.

If you chose 'D', you're absolutely correct! Okay, that's enough stupidity for today. I'm gonna hit the showers.

~and I'm holdin' out this time. I'm holdin' out this time cause I figure that I...I figure that I just might make it...~

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