07-11-03

~Did you miss me while you were lookin' for yourself out there?~

I hate movies. Particularly the cute ones with happy endings. I just got finished watching Kate and Leopold at Laurie's. Ugh. And I'm getting another killer headache. Probably from the movie. It made me think too hard. Not that the film had a challenging plot but because it reminded me that my love life resembles more of a horror story. So on the drive home, I heard this Train song...which made it even worse. I hated Train for the longest time. But I've had this strange reformation of my taste in music lately. So I turned it up. Drops of Jupiter...I never liked it when it was popular but I listened to it. Sung along even. Isn't it funny that you know the words to songs that you don't like? I hate that. So anyhow, I never really understood the song or cared to honestly. But it made me think. Then again, I'm insane so what I'm about to say will probably sound just as crazy as I am. There's a line that says, "Did you miss me while you were lookin' for yourself out there?" Ironically, I used it on the top of this post. Well, originally I thought it meant, did you miss me like you miss someone that you've already known. Like I missed my mom when I went to CT. But then I thought about it and that makes no sense with the rest of the lyrics. I think it means, did you miss me like you overlooked someone. Like you missed the chance to meet him (the lead singer or whoever. The song is vague for a reason...) while you were out looking for yourself. This is making no sense at all but I'll continue. So if you've seen Kate and Leopold (the movie that I watched tonight) then you know it's kind of about that. Missing your chance to be with someone that you belong with. Well, it made me wonder if I'd missed the one. Is that really possible? To miss out on the person that you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with??? Obviously at the end of the movie, she realizes he's the one and jumps off the Brooklyn bridge to get to him but c'mon now! Those sorts of things don't happen in real life. Neither does falling in love with a duke from the late 19th century but...ugh. I hate movies. Seriously though, I think about this kind of crap all of the time. It drives me nuts cause it's everywhere. I can't hear a song and just appreciate it for what it is. I can't watch tv or movies without overthinking the possibility of the plot happening in real life. It bothers me...cause all of my friends have found their "one". I'm the outsider. I get to sit on the sidelines and watch while everyone else is a part of the game. That's so damn pitiful. Cause I know what it's like to be in the game. I can't say it's better cause my game is truly fucked up. But it's much more fun. Much less lonely.

~And I'd give up forever to touch you. Cause I know that you feel me somehow.~

Me, lonely? Nah...(cough, gag) Is THAT possible? Cause I'm sitting here typing this out and being hand fed an offer to have company. Yet I turned it down. Like I said, Ben has been cut off. I'm not backing down this time. He hurt his back so he wants a massage. Aww, poor thing. So you want me to drop everything and drive out to Shawnee just to give you a back rub. For what??? The chance to make out with you again? Oh boy! Hello! If we haven't taken notice lately, I'm a GIRL!! I want something more than the occasional late night make out session. He's made no attempt at offering anything more. So I'm not giving anymore. I told him that my services were no longer free. He asked the price. Now this is where I could have been blunt and said, I want the pants romanced off of me. But no. I said I hadn't thought of one yet. I don't know why I fear rejection. I can have him sexually any way I want. But as for anything with depth...forget it. I just proved myself right. I swear...It's always nice to know that you're barking up the wrong tree.

~and I wanted to be all you need...~

I hate people.

~and I don't want the world to see me. Cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.~

HOME
BACK

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com