07-10-00 Monday


So I got up this morning. Practically NO sleep. I don't know why I couldn't...I remember looking at the clock at about 4am. And I got up at 6. Headed out for orientation at the college. Which ended up turning into a fight with my mother. I insisted on driving. Because I can't stand the smell of the mini-van. Old fast food and musty cigarette smoke. The rule in my car is of course, No Smoking! So she wasn't very happy about that. Plus, she can't stand riding in a car when someone other than she is driving. Nerves...I guess. She was already uptight about orientation. Because they split up the parents and students. She's not much for crowds. THEN, we find that a bridge is out on the way there...so we have to turn around and go a different way...which caused her telling me how to drive. I'm too defensive about that to begin with. I ended up telling her that from now on...we drive seperately to functions. It bothers me...when we do..."family things". And I have to sit in the back of the smelly van with my 13 year old brother...who acts like he's 5...listening to their music (which usually makes me want to poke my eyes out...or maybe poke holes in my ear drums. that seems more appropriate) inhaling their second hand smoke. I feel like I'll NEVER be able to wash it out of my skin. It's terrible. Beyond feeling like a child sitting in the backseat with a rugrat (oh, if you didn't know...I blame him for my intolerance of children) I'm completely uncomfortable. And sick to my stomach. Which is how I felt when we finally made it to the school. A 5 minute drive turned into a 20 minute fight. Moving on. We go in...get all our..."gifts" and take a seat in the auditorium. I'm sitting there...scoping the people out. Not the parents or anything...the guys mostly. Here walks in this...wonderful specimen. In nice jeans...and a yellow polo shirt that set off his spectacular tan. He was...EYE CANDY. So I'm thinkin', "ya...that guy looks good..." When he turns around...doing the same thing I was I imagine (checking out his new group of peers) and he looks right at me. We both kind of smiled. I was all for being polite to these people. I mean...the last thing I wanted to do was give a terrible 1st impression. Anyhow. We had to split into groups. A and B, and then split down again into groups of 4 different advisors. I ended up in a group of like 5. But we had to go with one of the other advisors group because our advisor was talking to the parents. Right. Confusing. So we head over to another building, to the same science lecture room I was in for my test. THAT'S where I recognized yellow shirt boy. I believe he was there taking his test the same day I was. So, he wasn't in my group. but he was in the group of the advisor we got stuck with. So we're sitting in the lecture hall. Took notes for setting up our schedules. Which had to be done before we left. I was listening. But I also noticed...that YSB (Y-ellow S-hirt B-oy...I know his name really...) who was sitting a row up from me (no one in between) kept turning around...I didn't look at him when he did it. It's just...you notice things. I notice things...you know how you can feel someone's eyes on you...it was like that. Right. So we finally split into our advisor groups while we were figuring out our schedules. So my group had to move to the back of the room. Still he turned around. I don't know. I got my schedule done...and joked around with our guides. Two of the girls were hilarious. After everyone had everything done, we went back over to the other building, and sat down. Waited...waited...had to move up...waited...waited...YSB looked at me...9000 times. Sat through THE most boring lecture thing about the honors program. then finally left. YSB wasn't very far away from me...the whole time. I found mother dear...and ended up behind him and his mother walking out of the building. Mom was asking me all kinds of questions...Like if I was taking theater. I'm like..."I kinda HAVE to mom. It's my major." (because OSU doesn't have a cinematography program. I will definitely have to transfer) Anyhow, he kinda laughed. He was listening in on the whole conversation with my mother. I KNEW it! I swear...it freaks me out sometimes...But he was cute nonetheless. I know...this whole experience at orientation was like...basically me, making a schedule, and being distracted by some guy. I don't care. It was worth it. He was easy on the eyes. I'm so tired of waiting for a great guy to come out of nowhere. Like Andrew. The most attractive man...I've ever been in close contact with. And he said I was beautiful. You can't get any better. Honestly! Nothing compares to sitting on the back of my car at like 1 o'clock in the morning talking to this...absolutely wonderful guy...even though he was turning me down...he still told me that I'm beautiful, and that it had nothing to do with why he wouldn't give me a chance. He could have...pretty much ANY chick. and -I- of all people he called beautiful, and even admits to liking me at not one...not two...but three points in time! *sigh* If that doesn't make me feel good about myself. Then nothing will. (but it does) and so did Mr. yellow shirt boy today. *sigh* (rolls eyes) so why don't these boys ever say anything when and if they like me? TIZ A PUZZLEMENT! (yes I know I just quoted a musical)

~Don't speak, I know what you're thinking, and I don't need your reasons. Don't tell me cause it hurts~

Man, things are totally on the depressing side. Not really today...it JUST hit me. My great grandmother died. Granted, I didn't know her very well. Not near as well as I know other relatives. You know how sometimes you just don't know one of your cousins...it's like that. Her funeral is tomorrow. I was getting out my black dress suit last night...and I was numb. It didn't register until I got on-line to update. I found a message from Laurie...saying that Jen's father had a heart attack. I had no idea. I still don't know whether it was serious...or whether he's gonna be ok. I really need to get a hold of her. It's gotta be rough. I hope she's handling it well. GAWD! Why am I never around when things like this happen to my friends! But that got me thinking about my grandmother...and how I haven't felt...sad. Well...I suppose I did. That kinda smacked me in the face while I was watching Legends of the Fall on tv. That is a sad sad sad movie. But the death in the movie seemed to bother me more than the death of my relative. That's...upsetting. Everything has been absolutely surreal the past few days. With college stuff, and family death...my friends parents having serious health conditions...I'm not even feeling anything. Because I don't know how to deal with it. I wish I did. But when I do...I'll probably cry for a week straight. That's never good. Hey! Let's see how long we can bottle up our emotions! Then explode just for the fun of it! It's NOT my idea of a good time. But...it shows my limits. A person can only handle so much. I'm learning. That's what I keep telling myself.

~You broke the set now there's, there's only singles. There's no looking back and this time I mean it. Are you happy now?~

This whole thing just makes me feel like crap. Because I'm off in my own little world...checking out guys. Thinking about Andrew (yes I know! get over it already) Making plans for my own life...college, a job...and I haven't even stopped for a minute to feel sorry for my grandmother's death. Or to call Jen (well, I JUST got that info.) but I've known about my great grandmother for awhile. It's just...selfish. I'm so damn selfish. It pisses me off. I piss myself off. How ridiculous is that? I'm in my own little world, listening to No Doubt...wasting time that I could be...doing something for someone else. It's plain selfish. I used to think it was ok to be that way. Someone told me that all teenagers are selfish. So I let it slide. But now...I feel like I should be doing something about it. This makes me feel like poo. (just thought you'd like to know.) I feel like poo. I'm tired...it's only 5:30pm. I have to get up early tomorrow too. blah! But hey! It's a selfless act. I'm getting up for the funeral. Maybe being smacked with it...funeral home...cemetery...maybe that will knock some sense into me. hell...I don't know anymore.

~There's no one else! You're by yourself! All by yourself!~

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