Not that easy...


07-07-03/07-08-03

~I found myself in the riches. Your eyes your lips your hair and you were everywhere.~

Well here we are once again. Here I am at least. I should be out begging for a job. I should. But I'm not, and I wasn't yesterday either. I sent a couple of resumes out for receptionist positions but other than that, I've just been working on my book. Maybe if I can hold out long enough to finish it, I'll get it published. Then I'll be rich for sure! right. It's really funny though. I've been up until 2am the past few mornings writing, revising, etc.

~and i, well i seen a thousannd things in one place but stopped my counting when i saw your face. erasin' memories...suddenly the 1000 things i'd seen were nothing more than dreams of you and me.~

So I did call Tim last night. I waited until after nine because I get free nights and weekends. That was obviously too late because he was out. Ended up leaving a message with his mother. So who knows when I'll finally get the chance to talk to him. I was a bit disappointed last night but I don't know anymore. I mean, I want to talk to him, but I don't want it to end up being some huge hassle. Why does it have to be so hard to break up? Why can't people just be cool with each other? Why don't I have my stuff back? Ugh. I really need to do something productive.

~this is me with the words on the tip of my tongue and my eye through the scope down the barrel of a gun. Remind me not to ever act this way again. This is you trying hard to be seen with a girl on your arm and your heart on your sleeve.~

8:19pm
So...I finally got a hold of Tim. Just like I thought, it was interesting. The first thing he said was, "so what's up with this novel you sent me?" in the most condescending voice. *sigh* He just doesn't get it. I've been trying for so long to improve this nasty thing that I created. I've apologized countless times. And all he has is bitterness. All he can do is sit there in silence while I attempt to apologize again. I know that things were ultimately fucked up from the get go because of me but for Christ's sake, it takes two to tango. It fucking takes two to argue and say the hateful things that were said. I don't know what I expected. Maybe for him to to have as big of a heart as I have and apologize too. For him to be NICE and at least attempt to be polite and carry on a conversation. I just wish it was all different. Either that or I wish it had never happened at all. You know, I never understood how guys can break your heart into a million pieces and never regret it. I guess I never will. That conversation hurt a bit. But I asked for it. So I'm just going to send him a fucking $10 check so he will send me my shit. oooh, $10! Like he couldn't afford that. I could easily find $10 in pocket change. I guess he doesn't want to spend another penny on me. Because you know, I'm not still in debt for all of the money I wasted on showering him in gifts on Christmas and taking him out to eat when he didn't have a job. So now that I don't, he couldn't return the fucking favor. I'm so sick and fucking tired of playing Miss Nicey Nice. I kill these people with kindness and all they can say when I simply ask for the return of my belongings is, "well that costs money" No shit. So did the playstation 2, 2 or 3 games, and your guitar case. I'm wasting my breath.

~I felt you slip away!!!!~

You know, I need to go back to the days of primal screaming. I just scared the shit out of my mother but it made me feel better. I suppose it's better to scream at the top of my lungs than continue to say bad things about someone. If I said what I was feeling right now, it's likely I would never see my thesaurus again. Let alone the $100 ring that was really almost $200. Luckily I got a discount. I would pawn it off once it's returned to me but I'd only get the gram weight value. Maybe $30. Instead, I'll spend more money to have it sized and engraved. That's right, I'm going to engrave the words, "pain is love" inside. Or something more clever...I haven't decided. Maybe I'll put "RIP 09/02-03/03". Ya, whatever.

~I look at the cross. Then I look away. Give you the gun. Blow me away.~

I called Laurie sometime this afternoon and left a message on her voice mail. I said, "I'll be the rabbit. You be the fox. You know what to do." I don't know where that came from but TJ left me that message once. And I guess Ashley left the same message for Laurie once a long time ago. Maybe it's from a movie or something. But she called me back awhile ago. We talked about all the money problems we've both been having. I've been thinking about selling some shit on e-bay. I've got a lot of crap that I don't need. I'll sell all my yellow gold jewelry that I bought in CT thinking I'd wear it...I don't. All the gemstones that I bought thinking I could set them when I was out there...I'll sell Tim's old Playstation 1 and all the games that we sent to my brother for Christmas. Hmm, I could sell one of my Fossil watches. I might go as far as to sell my stereo. I never use it. I usually listen to music on Kazaa when I'm in here. I can always pop cds into the computer. It's really of no importance to me. There's an old tv that I took to CT with me. I have a different one in here now. What else...hmm, there's a lot that I could use to get rid of. I'm gonna be an e-bay whore. Sounds like fun. Hey, it's cash. It's better than having a bunch of shit that you don't need anymore. I'm gonna work on my book. It's a good time since I'm all riled up. oooh, New real world episode is on tonight! I almost forgot.

~Through the storm we reach the shore. You give it all but I want more. And I'm waiting for you. With or without you. With or without you. I can't live with or without you.~

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